Mom is struggling in her assisted living situation. It’s been five to six weeks in her new place. She has professed to be happy at times. She also has related that she hates it.
She’s accused others of stealing things. She found those items in her room later.
Her habit of texting my sisters at night resumed. Two sisters ended up blocking her.
The texts were often complaints about what was going on or demands that things be taken to her.
As it was before, it seems clear that Mom is cognitively impaired. She’s been through a lot of health issues and is on many medications.
Now Mom must pay again for another month in advance shortly. She’s not sure what she’s paid or what she’s expected to pay and is asking us for help. There are some hints that she wants us to help her with the costs.
It is so painful to hear about these texts and read them.
My sisters are hugely angry with Mom and struggle to help her. They tell me that Mom becomes mean and hateful and will start yelling or just turn away from them. I can imagine how emotionally exhausting that is for them. We agreed, only one sibling can address Mom, following the advice given to us to handle the situation. Maintaining that silence is so painful.
I want to send Mom money to help her out. We’re warned not to do that because Mom will probably end up depending on Medicaid. If that transpires, Medicaid looks at her previous five years of income. Anything we’ve given her will be considered as part of that and reduce what help she’ll be given.
I do a lot of sighing when I think about Mom and her situation.
Just a short time ago, I overheard two elderly individuals talking at the coffee house, addressing the same problem that I’m dealing with. A man and woman, they both looked older than me by about ten years, putting them in their eighties. He later confirmed for her that he was 79.
The woman was talking about her sister and her sister’s problems. Her sister resides in Arizona and won’t move to Oregon, where we’re at. But each woman is alone and need help, so they’ve decided that the coffee-shop woman will be a snowbird and go live with her sister several times a year and see how it goes.
The man related that he was an only child. His parents created a trust after they retired. He could withdraw from it whenever he wanted. His father cautioned him, though, that someday they might need that money and urged him to be circumspect.
The man related that he was glad his father gave him that advice, and that he heeded it. He estimated that in the last five years of his parents’ life, he spent about $1,000,000 to provide them with housing and care.
There are lessons in all of this, I think.
I don’t know what they are.
Michael Seidel, writer 
And the sad part about all of this is that WE can/may one day become the oppressor.
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I feel for you, this is the most difficult thing. My mother is just beginning that journey.
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I ache for what you’re going through, my mother was in the same condition. Nothing you did for her was enough, and if you stopped, then she’d blame you for God, rain, and bees. I learned to put up an invisible wall when she started on her tirades, like the boy in the bubble.
The hardest part is when you realize that you are the adult now, and have to behave accordingly. Be very careful of what she takes with her in an assisted living place; not all the help is necessarily trustworthy; my mother was in the habit of removing her diamond ring when she washed up, and then leaving it on the sink. Gone. Her perfume, gone.
And you have to keep that wall up for your own sake. It’s hard, and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it, but wait it out.
Tell your sisters to not argue with her, when she starts the anger thing: at that point you’re protecting yourself, and it’s vital not to encourage her by trying to calm her down. She’s scared, angry, and will blame anyone within 40 feet of being cruel, heartless, and mean.
Protect yourselves. You’re the grownups now.
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