Frantic panic and/or alarm a cat displays when the vacuum cleaner, sweeper, or other loud appliances made an appearance is called catvoom.

In example, “Quinn displayed intense catvoom, alerting to the sound of the door opening where the vacuum is kept and snaking to an exit an instant later.”

Today, in a more serious tone, I need to address catcism.

Catcism is making decisions upon who you’ll spend time with and how much you like them based on their existence as cats.

Many catcists don’t acknowledge they’re catcists. “I like people,” they protest. “It’s just that cats like me. They like following me around, watching  me bath and shower, licking me dry afterward, sharing my food, sleeping with me, supervising my activities, marking my clothing with their fur so other cats don’t try to take me over when they let me out of their sight….

“I’m not the one with the problem. You people that complain that I spend too much time with cats are the ones with the problems. You’re just jealous because cats don’t like you like they like me.

“Sure, yes, I’ll admit, I do like cats,” they’ll continue. “I admire their independence and cleverness. Their antics amuse me, and they really love me. They ask nothing in return except that I feed and obey them, and make room for them wherever I’m sitting or sleeping. Most of all, they’re honest. They’ll never betray me.”

Yes, sadly, catcists can’t see their catcism for the cats.

Meowgery takes place when a person hears a meow and stops what they’re doing to address the cat to determine why it’s meowing. A conversation typically ensues.

“What are you meowing for, Flash?”

“Meow.”

“Are you hungry?”

“Meow.”

“Do you want to go outside?”

“Meow.”

Or so my meowgeries usually go. Some cats are much smarter and have a larger vocabulary. Jade, for example. Ask Jade if she was hungry, her meow changed to an affirming, stronger meow, and she would lead you off to the feeding area. She, being a cat, intelligent and superior, knew that you, a mere human, wasn’t capable of remembering where her food was kept.

Others, like Rocky, would sit down to ponder the questions being put to him. Of course, Rocky wasn’t much of a talker. He communicated with his whiskers and his eyes.

Which really doesn’t have anything to do with meowgery.

After meowgery, humans are often at a loss about what they were doing before a meow interrupted them. It’s a testament to the power of a meow.

Getting imprisoned with premeditation by a cat (or several) in a chair or a bed is called encatment. This sometimes necessitates a felinectomy to answer the phone, use the restroom or relieve numb body parts.

Owners know when they’re being encatted. They have habits that the cats like, like settling in a recliner, sofa bed or chair to watch television or read. The cats know that you’re a wonderfully warm, comfortable place to snooze in that situation, and that you won’t make noises or move. They do know that’s not completely true. Sneezes will arise, along with itches that need scratched. Then there’s the damn phone. Also, you might fall asleep, and some of those snoring noises that you emit sound like trolls on the hunt.

Those are the risks to encatment. They know it and accept it. It’s not unusual for you to discover that as soon as you’ve made your move to settle down in such a manner, a cat is there. Sometimes they barely wait for you to sit. That’s partly because they know other cats (or people) could well try to move in there first.

A secret meeting of cats, it takes astute non-feline observers to recognize when a catclave has been called.

Because of their unique abilities, cats need not be in the same room for a catclave, but enter into a catatative state in close proximity to other cats. The distance for a catclave varies with cats and their catatative abilities. Younger and less experienced cats struggle with the catatative state as they’re often easily distracted by strings, food, moths, butterflies, flies, spiders, bugs, birds, noises, other animals, their tail, and shiny objects.

Symptoms of a catatative state are displayed as intense stillness with alert, erect ears. Their eyes are open to some degree. Although usually sitting upright, some cats are known to lie down with all their feet tucked in for a catclave. The latter posture is assumed to be utilized for longer catclaves. Sometimes a tail flick is observed. In studies conducted with cats by Dr. Catelson, the premiere catatologist based in Catalonia, it was concluded that tail twitching or flicking when cats are in a catatative state is an indicator the cat is catatatively speaking in a catclave. Unfortunately, someone opened a can and the experiment ended. Efforts to repeat the tests failed. Apparently, the cats had become aware of the study. Becoming catstinate, they refused to cooperate.

Cats attend many more catclaves than humans know due to the difficulties involved confirming that a catclave has been called.

It’s a cat thing.

A cat establishes its pawsession by putting its paw over something, in effect, non-verbally stating, “This is mine.” For example, while sitting at the keyboard, your cat jumps up and puts its paw over the keyboard. “This is mine.”

However, felines, being inscrutable (although we think we might know, suspect or believe what they’re saying) may actually be establishing a pawstraction. The cat is stopping you for engaging in other behavior because it’s distracting you from paying more attention to them. In the instance of the keyboard, they may actually be saying, “Stop doing this and pay attention to me.”

Closely related to these behaviors, clawsession or clawsessive behavior is demonstrated when the cat engages a claw as part of its pawsessive or pawstracting activity. In example, a cat, wishing you to awaken, may tap your nose or other body part with its paw. The cat may be saying either, “You are mine,” “I want you to wake up,” or “Stop snoring, you’re keeping me awake.” They may also be saying, “I like playing with your body,” or, “I’m playing with your mind.” If a claw is deployed as part of this, say to tenderly hook a nostril or an ear lobe to drag you awake, this is clawsessive behavior.

Of course, they are cats, so your cat’s actions may mean something completely different.

I think that’s part of their clawdestine behavior.

A catstery is a broad category of mysteries specifically associated with cats. Felinologists have uncovered evidence in ancient records that catsteries have existed for as long as there’s been an association between cats and humans. The first reference to a catstery was found on cave paintings and was interpreted to mean, “The cat is sitting and staring. What is he staring at? There’s nothing there.”

Several more narrow sub-categories of catsteries exist. Most commonly experienced by people are the hisstery, clawstery, purrstery, and furmystery sub-categories.

• Hisstery is a sub-category about why a cat is hissing, or what is a cat hissing at. It is also often incorrectly employed when the catdentity of participants in an unseen fight can’t be determined.
• Clawstery, as a sub-category, is assigned to an event involving cats’ use of claws, such as a rug or chair that’s been clearly scratched by an unknown kitty.
• Purrstery references the sub-category of cats who purr a great deal. Humans rarely think of the purrstery but ask and tell cats, “Who’s a purring cat? Who’s a purring cat? You’re always purring. Why do you purr so much?”
• Furstery is perhaps the most common sub-categories of catsteries people experience. Fursteries are about the many issues associated with cat fur, such as, “How does one little cat shed so much fur?” Also commonly experienced as a furstery is how to remove shedded cat fur from surfaces, especially garments, and keep it off in the three minutes between removing the garment from its hermetically sealed container and putting it on before walking out the door.

However, the most frequently commented upon catstery is trying to understand what the cat wants, what they’re trying to tell you, or why they’re suddenly callivanting about the house. After trying to understand, most people surrender, admitting, “I don’t know what’s going on with that cat.

“It’s a catstery.”

Felibble: A feline’s sneaky attempt to nibble on unguarded food. Example: “Thomas, watch your cheese. The cat’s felibbling it.”