Flooflator

Flooflator (catfinition) – a person who can understand cats’ meows and translate them for others. It’s a difficult profession because cats each speak their own dialect, so they even rarely understand one another. Professional flooflators say that the key to understanding cats is to acquire a vocabulary of a few common core words and phrases, such as “feed me,” “let me out,” “let me in,” “treat,” “no,” and “catnip.”

In use: “After forty years of shared ownership of thirteen cats, he’d become a decent flooflator, sufficiently skilled that others called him the cat whisperer, which he dismissed that as an exaggeration.”

The Photograph

You ever see a photograph of yourself and scream in horror? “Oh my God, is that really how I look?”

In this case, the photo was on a website supporting a charity where I was a volunteer drone. It’s on the page where you order the tickets for this year’s event. I can imagine people seeing my photo and asking, “Alfred Hitchcock was there? I thought he was dead.”

Funny, but I never see myself like that in the mirror. Beauty is in the beholder’s eye, innit?

Cathold

Cathold (catfinitions) – 

1. Place where cats reside and rule, sometimes also referred to as a house, or household, particularly by people in denial.

2. A cat’s grip on something, usually by way of claws, but sometimes with both claws and teeth.

In use: “The cathold revolved around the queen’s routines and protocols. The little tabby, Lily, enjoyed preferential treatment by humans and the tom’s, which meant that a four A.M. feeding was normal, and she ate first.”

Catass

Catass (catfinition) – Internet slang for people who are as amazing as a cat.

In use: “She was so catass, she had tens of thousands of Twitter followers. When she posted a video on YouTube, the number people clicking on it brought down the site. She was so catass, she did all of this before she was five.”

The Rhythm Method

“I’m trying to cut back on my coffee,” she said.

He said, “I use the rhythm method. I allow myself coffee on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. On Tuesday and Thursdays, I permit myself a few cups of coffee. Then, on weekends and holidays, I’m entitled to a few more cups of coffee.”

“You’re drinking coffee every day.”

“Yes, it keeps my rhythm synchronized.”

The Little Ones

He volunteered to be a Little One (trademarked) the day after his eighteenth birthday in May. He could have become one before that, but that decision would have required his parents’ approval. He didn’t want to talk to them about it. They still believed he had a normal future in a normal world.

Admittedly, he didn’t understand the Little technology, but he also didn’t understand television technology, so…? Being a little person, he could reduce his bioprint. They would feed him and ensure he had water. They’d give him a little bonus for volunteering to be a Little One. He’d live in a domed little city where “the air is the cleanest air in America.” Called little SF, the city that agreed to take him was a recreation of the 1950s era San Francisco, except it had modern cars and technology. The city was located on the enormous recreation of the Pacific Ocean that they’d carved out of Kansas farmland. He could still communicate with everyone through the Internet and social media so it wasn’t like he was really leaving anything behind.

Like all Little Ones, everything in Little Land surprised him. The little cars and houses were exactly to scale. Eating utensils, computers, corn on the cob, cheeseburgers, beer cans and bottles — everything — were proportionate to his little hands. So were grass, trees, and birds. Little cows and horses dotted the countryside, and neighbors had little cats and dogs. Big little freighters came into the Little SF Bay past Little Alcatraz, docking at the Little Piers. Little fish populated the Little Pacific and the little ponds, streams, and rivers. Living there, he constantly reminded himself, “This is real.” 

He found a job in a little office where they published several little local newspapers. Little was required of him there, but the structure helped him cope. His favorite activity was to take the Little Train to Little SFO out on the Little Peninsula, and watch the Little aircraft take off, flying to other Little Land locations, like Little Chicago, Little Miami, and Little New York. He could buy a ticket and go to one, but he was, he said to himself with a wry little private chuckle, a little afraid.

Still, even with all of the evidence and his experience, he struggled to accept it was real. He began to think he was in a computer simulation or a virtual reality. He began thinking that nothing he experienced was real, that his mind and perceptions were being manipulated and conned. He began thinking, maybe it was the other world that was fake, and this world was always his real existence. He began to think, I’m a little afraid I’m not going to make it. I’m afraid I’m going a little crazy. I’m going to be a little suicide.

Then he met Candy. Her first words to him were, “Hi, I’m Candy. I’m a little tart, and a little sweet. Want to have a little fun?”

That was how he became a little bank robber. It seemed as good a way as any to spend a little time.

Mewviate

Mewviate (catfinition) – to frequently meow in long, windy tones

In use: “Although solidly muscled and fleshy, Buddy weight south of eight pounds as an adult black feline, but the little yard panther mewviated like a chorus of five cats twice his size.”

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑