Haifloof #35
Floofaby
Floofaby (floofinition) – a song sung to housepets, typically when a loving session takes place.
In use: “When petting his cats, he would often sing a floofaby and scratch their ears, reveling in their purrs and soft fur as they curled up against him and went to sleep.”
Floofjinks
Floofjinks (floofinition) – boisterous or rambunctious carryings-on by housepets.
In use: “Nothing like the red dot laser point to start floofjinks among the cats. Once they were started, even the dogs got into the floofjinks.”
Floofket
Floofket (floofinition) – slang for a housepet that’s capable of exerting sudden bursts of energy to accomplish incredible physical feats such as knocking people over, executing high leaps, racing faster than lightning, or snatching food from others’ hand or mouth in less than an eye-blink.
In use: “Hearing a package open in the kitchen, the cat kicked into floofket mood. Leaping from sound sleep on the sofa over the coffee table, he shot into the other room, sliding to a halt at the man’s feet with a tall tail and trilling mew.”
Floofvoyance
Floofvoyance (floofinition) – a housepet’s power or faculty of discerning objects not present to human senses.
In use: “I doubt floofvoyance is real, but I can’t explain how my cat knows that things are going to happen before I have a clue that they’ve begun.”
FNA(Floofino Nucleic Acid)
FNA (Floofino Nucleic Acid) (floofinition) – self-replicating fur initially shed by housepets. FNO is present on almost all clothing, furniture, and food in a home with housepets, and can also be found in hairballs and animal feces. According to reports denied by NASA, FNA was discovered on the Moon during the first manned lunar landing.
In use: “Floofcon 2019 rose to international prominence when an announcement came out that floofologists had created a home FNA (Floofino Nucleic Acid) test kit to determine specifically from which animal hairs, hairballs, and the errant turd that turns up on the floor, originates.”
h/t to Jill Dennison, Floofologist
Flooftigraphy
Flooftigraphy (floofinition) – 1. Branch of floofology devoted to studying the layers of acquisitions of toys, foods, medicines, etc., to determine which were acquired during what floofnasty. 2. Study of the layers of pet food to identify the fur’s origins.
In use: “When her friend told her that she had white fur on her coat, surprise registered; employing her flooftigraphy training, she realized it had to be from StayPuft, the marshmallow white Spritz who passed away a decade before.”
Telling
Beers glasses were raised and clinked together. Tastings followed. The trio got down to business.
“How’d it go with the date?” Ron asked Pat.
“Good, real good.” Pat smiled. “Third one, so you know what that means.”
Bryan laughed. “Is that what that still means?”
“Yes.” Pat nodded. “Indeed, it does.”
Ron raised his glass. “To your new girlfriend? Or is it too early?”
Pat grimaced. “It might be too early. She’s a swell person, wonderfully intelligent and accomplished, sexy, of course — ”
“Of course,” Ron said as Bryan said, “That’s a sexist attitude.”
“It is, but she is a knockout.” After glancing over his shoulders, Pat leaned in over the table. The other two leaned in as well. “The only thing is, she farts a lot,” Pat said in a low voice. “They don’t make any noise, so it’s not that, but they smell terrible.”
“She farts?” Bryan said.
Pat nodded. “And it’s not a little poot now and then. When she farts, I want to flee like the villagers running from Godzilla. And it’s not her fault. We’ve talked about it. She’d apologized after I complained about the rank smell invading my car. She told me it was a side effect of a medicine she’s been on a long time. She’s tried changing her diet and she’s looked into other meds, but nothing will work for her. And anxiety, like from dating, apparently makes it worse.”
“Wow.” Looking at Bryan, Ron sat back. “That’s a shame. A smelly farter. Damn”
Pat sighed. “Yeah, I’d hate for it to end for that, because she’s otherwise so wonderful, and I feel lucky to know her and be dating her.”
Bryan nodded. “Have you told her about your troubles in peckerville?”
Sitting back, Pat sipped his beer a moment and then smiled. “No. The way I see it, there’s no sense in telling her about that until I know if I can live with the farting.”
Floofnasty
Floofnasty (floofinition) – the line of pets who ruled a household.
In use: “After scanning childhood photographs his parents gave him, he was able to establish an archival album of the floofnasties of his life. With some rue, he realized that he had more photographs of his pets than of either of his ex-wives.”
Michael Seidel, writer 