Haifloof #46
Floofwork
Floofwork (floofinition) – Specific tasks at home related to having housepets, such as cleaning litter boxes and brushing animals’ fur coats.
In use: “Leaving the bedroom for the kitchen, she paused five times along the way to pick up clumps of fur. Five times. She was incredulous. She’d just picked up fur when she’d gone into the bedroom not three minutes ago. Floofwork never ended.”
A Simple Philosophy
He was reading Big Sky by Kate Atkinson, and enjoying it. His laptop was on in front of him on the desk, and the television was playing an old movie, Jumanji. Sunday evening multi-tasking at his finest, in his opinion, reaching for another piece of Colby and a cracker.
His shifting position let him see her in her armchair to his left. She was giving him a look. Having been together for fifty years, he’d developed insights into her looks. Although many would see it as outwardly little different from her other looks, small clues in lips, eyes, and her head’s posture led him along a diagnostic path that finished, she’s about to register a complaint.
A bright smile was flashed her way. “What’s up?” The cheese and cracker found his mouth. It was so good, he reached for more.
“You need a haircut, babe.”
He shrugged, prepared to return to his book. “You’re probably right.” She was, but he wasn’t going to be so bald about it.
“I don’t understand your attitude toward your hair. Have you seen yourself ? Your hair is an unkempt mess.”
“Unkempt mess, as opposed to a kempt mess? Is kempt a word? I should google that.”
“You look like a homeless bum.”
“Isn’t that redundant? If you have a home, can you — ”
“Don’t change the subject. My point is that your hair is a mess. What’s with you and your hair?”
“Well, my philosophy is simple.” Raising a glass of pinot noir in her direction, he smiled. “Hair today, gone tomorrow.”
She was not amused.
NIMB
NIMB (Floofintion) – Acronym that means Not In My Bed, employed by housepets to register their disdain for anyone/thing disrupting their slumber.
In use: “Raising her head, she issued a plaintive NIMB growl when another animal jumped onto the bed. The other immediately fled.”
Floofcession
Floofcession (floofinition) – A number animals moving forward in an orderly fashion, especially as part of a ceremony, following mom, or going to eat.
In use: “When the can-opener began turning, a floofcession came through the door and settled at her feet.”
Unifloof
Unifloof (floofinition) – Animals who hang around colleges and universitites.
In use: “Unifloofs were abundant, with unideer bringing their unifawns to mingle with the students, to unisquirrels racing across the campus and up trees, and, most popular with the students, unicats soaking in sunshine and knowledge while spying on the students to see what they were learning.”
Eflooftome
Eflooftome (floofinition) – A housepet who is appears or acts like the perfect example of their species.
In use: “Lanky, with shades of lustrous gold in his coat, and twenty-four inches tall at his withers, Meyer sat in the doorway, the eflooftome of Golden Retrievers.”
Stereofloof
Stereofloof (floofinition) – A widely held but fixed and oversimplified image or idea of a pet.
In use: “Batting balls around with wide-eyed zeal, ambushing and attacking anything that moved, purring when petted, and of course, appearing absolutely adorable, Logan the kitten was a stereofloof of kittens.
Flooftub
Flooftub (floofinition) – A typically wide, open, deep, and round container used for holding water, growing plants, etc., repurposed by pets as sleeping, hiding, and playing spaces.
In use: “During hot days, Ashley converted the main tub into a flooftub, stretching her long furry body out along the cool, porcelain bottom for afternoon naps that none dared to interrupt.”
At Your Disposal
Well, I finally did it. I pulled the plug. It was time.
My garbage disposal was a decent enough Badger 5. Not pricey, it was a half power workhouse. It had some issues. First, it’d been a leak from the sink flange. I fixed that, twice, vowing the second time, NEVER MORE! Meanwhile, god forbid a lemon seed or popcorn kernel were dropped into it. Either would immediately jammed it, calling out the need for the hex key to unjam it. Lemon and veggies would often rumble around for a few days before finally succumbing to the blades and disappearing.
Then, though, the seals began leaking. After assessing it and confirming it was the seals, I put a bucket under it. I’d monitor and empty the bucket as required.
There’s no-how for you.
Sorry, I mean ‘know-how’, of course.
Finally, though, a day came when the disposal didn’t want to work any more. It made humming sounds but the cogs weren’t jammed. It just didn’t want to play any longer. A new one was required.
That took me into search land, the perfect occupation who tends to overthink stuff. Size, price, horsepower, noise, reputation, issues…over and over I read, compared, and studied. It came down to Waste King and Insinkerator. Love those names, gotta say. They could easily be pro wrestlers or transformers. The Waste King won. I ordered it Wednesday, and it was waiting at the door when I came home from the hospital Friday.
Perfect! The next day, after I came back from writing and walking, I set aside time to tackle the garbage disposal. Getting the old one out was harsh duty. Like a loyal soldier, it didn’t want to leave its post. I’d mentioned that it’d experience some leaking issues. Those led to some rusting issues, which trickled into removal issues. That bear took a sweaty hour to remove it.
Installing the Waste King, though, was a peach. Fifteen minutes, and boom, done. I’m not a handyman, so you know it was a well-engineered product if I installed it in fifteen minutes. Running it for the first time, its volume disappointed me. It’s a one h/p brute, though, and anything put into is liquefied in seconds.
Did I make the right choice? Probably as good as any of them. We’ll see, right.
Meanwhile, anyone need a used garbage disposal? It has no miles on it at all.
Michael Seidel, writer 