Tag: humor

At Your Disposal

Well, I finally did it. I pulled the plug. It was time.

My garbage disposal was a decent enough Badger 5. Not pricey, it was a half power workhouse. It had some issues. First, it’d been a leak from the sink flange. I fixed that, twice, vowing the second time, NEVER MORE! Meanwhile, god forbid a lemon seed or popcorn kernel were dropped into it. Either would immediately jammed it, calling out the need for the hex key to unjam it. Lemon and veggies would often rumble around for a few days before finally succumbing to the blades and disappearing.

Then, though, the seals began leaking. After assessing it and confirming it was the seals, I put a bucket under it. I’d monitor and empty the bucket as required.

There’s no-how for you.

Sorry, I mean ‘know-how’, of course.

Finally, though, a day came when the disposal didn’t want to work any more. It made humming sounds but the cogs weren’t jammed. It just didn’t want to play any longer. A new one was required.

That took me into search land, the perfect occupation who tends to overthink stuff. Size, price, horsepower, noise, reputation, issues…over and over I read, compared, and studied. It came down to Waste King and Insinkerator. Love those names, gotta say. They could easily be pro wrestlers or transformers. The Waste King won. I ordered it Wednesday, and it was waiting at the door when I came home from the hospital Friday.

Perfect! The next day, after I came back from writing and walking, I set aside time to tackle the garbage disposal. Getting the old one out was harsh duty. Like a loyal soldier, it didn’t want to leave its post. I’d mentioned that it’d experience some leaking issues. Those led to some rusting issues, which trickled into removal issues. That bear took a sweaty hour to remove it.

Installing the Waste King, though, was a peach. Fifteen minutes, and boom, done. I’m not a handyman, so you know it was a well-engineered product if I installed it in fifteen minutes. Running it for the first time, its volume disappointed me. It’s a one h/p brute, though, and anything put into is liquefied in seconds.

Did I make the right choice? Probably as good as any of them. We’ll see, right.

Meanwhile, anyone need a used garbage disposal? It has no miles on it at all.

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Floofbicle

Floofbicle (floofinition) – a small partitioned-off space pets use for sleeping and playing, sometimes called a box by the uninformed.

In use: “Although the floofbicle was too small for the bulldog, he ignored the limitations and tried sitting.”

 

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Deflooftive

Deflooftive (floofinition) – 1. An investigator who specializes in solving crimes and mysteries involving pets. 2. A pet who is obligated to investigate all noises, movements, foods, and others.

In use: “Aided with a video camera mounted high on the wall, the deflooftive soon learned how the cat and dog were escaping.”

 

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Floofpuccino

Floofpuccino (floofinition) – 1. A pet with coffee and cream fur. 2. A cappuccino with pet fur found in it.

In use: “Her eyes were bright blue but with her markings, the friendly little stray cat was a foamy floofpuccino.”

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REF

REF (Alt. sp.: R.E.F.) (floofinition) – Really Enthusiastic Floof, sometimes also referenced as Really Energetic Floof, a designation given to social, playful, or overly active housepet.

In use: “Everyone called Reed small, but the hundred pound canine cavorted through the house like a kitten, thundering barks and slobbering love at all hours of the day — and sometimes, at night.”

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Floofstrom

Floofstrom (floofinition) – Consuming energy projected by pet behavior and, or, activity.

In use: “The catnip was put down. The dogs watched with wary laziness as the cats meowed and gathered to get some ‘nip. Without warning, a floofstrom erupted as the cats each jealously seized their share and warned others off with snaps, swaps, hisses, and growls.”

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Something Fundamental

His head was down against the silvery sunshine heat. Walking along, he looked up to orient his course and spotted Doctor Frank further up the white cement sidewalk.

He literally froze where he was. His heart beat – he felt it – but a shocked stupor held him stiff. Doctor Frank had died two months before. This had to be a doppelganger. He’d heard or read that everyone has an exact replica of themselves elsewhere on the world. This was the most perfect one he’d ever seen. The man was just like Doctor Frank, the biologist, in every aspect from his impish, good-natured expression, gray and white beard, and slender-as-a-broom frame to the outdoor pants, boots, and vest that were Doctor Frank’s regular attire, including the forest green bush hat.

He snapped out of it. The result put him up the sidewalk past where he’d spotted Doctor Frank, as if he’d never stopped. His head swooned. Pausing to regain control of his senses, he saw Q across the street, waiting to cross.

Now that was fucking impossible. Q’d died four years ago. Like Doctor Frank, doppelganger Q was an eerie ghost of his deceased friend. As he wondered what the what, he saw his mother-in-law, Jean, dead for the last two years, off to the left, with her husband, Carl, who’d been dead since 1992. 

“Holy shit,” reverberated through his mind and came out his mouth. “What’s going on?”

In a blink, he realized all the color had deserted the world, as though he was watching a movie on an old black-and-white television. Closing his eyes to recover, he gasped; with his eyes closed, he could see everything taking place in color, except the dead folk that he saw weren’t there.

Slowly, he cracked his eyes open and took in the monochrome world. The sound differed from before. Swiveling his head, he saw more dead friends and relatives. It wasn’t his beloved hometown any longer, until he closed his eyes. With eyes closed, color was restored, and he was in the town where he’d been living and walking.

Keeping them closed, he resumed his walk. That seemed to work, but it was a temporary solution. Something fundamental had changed in his world.

He was going to have to open his eyes again sometime. And then…

He shook his head. He was going to keep his eyes closed until he was home. And then —

Well, he’d see.

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Floofnectomy

Floofnectomy (floofintion) – the act or process of removing housepets from people’s lap or body, or disengaging from housepets.

In use: “He needed to get up and go to bed, but first he needed to do two floofnectomies to remove the cats and dogs napping with him on the sofa.”

Related: Felinectomy 

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