Tag: humor

Manscaping News

I spread the good news to my friends. “Hey, the local WalMart supposedly has the latest manscaping products in stock, and it’s supposed to be the best!”

They, twelve retired professionals ranging in age from sixty to eighty-five, responded.

“What?”

“WalMart!”

“Manscaping.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

I was not put off. I’d already talked to them about anal bleaching. They often overlook these fine points of pop-culture. I’m the chosen one to educate them.

Many immediately said, “We don’t shape at WalMart.”

I said, “You might need to change your ways, if you want the latest manscaping products suitable for urbane gents such as as yourselves.”

Bill laughed. “Manscaping! I don’t have the eyesight for that kind of thing. I’d be afraid of what I’m clipping.”

“Get your wife to help you,” I suggested. “You can make it a romantic evening.”

“A romantic evening of manscaping?” Joe asked.

“Yes. Light some candles and have a few glasses of wine, and then strip down, lay back on the bed, and let her groom you.”

Bill roared. “That’d be a bloody mess. Her eyesight is worse than me.”

Andy nodded. “Enough said. No one sees me naked and I’m not interested in landscaping myself just for the joy of it.”

“Someone change the subject,” Chris said.

“Hey,” I said, “did you hear about the new waxing place in town, just for men?”

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Floofwork

Floofwork (floofinition) – Specific tasks at home related to having housepets, such as cleaning litter boxes and brushing animals’ fur coats.

In use: “Leaving the bedroom for the kitchen, she paused five times along the way to pick up clumps of fur. Five times. She was incredulous. She’d just picked up fur when she’d gone into the bedroom not three minutes ago. Floofwork never ended.”

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A Simple Philosophy

He was reading Big Sky by Kate Atkinson, and enjoying it. His laptop was on in front of him on the desk, and the television was playing an old movie, Jumanji. Sunday evening multi-tasking at his finest, in his opinion, reaching for another piece of Colby and a cracker.

His shifting position let him see her in her armchair to his left. She was giving him a look. Having been together for fifty years, he’d developed insights into her looks. Although many would see it as outwardly little different from her other looks, small clues in lips, eyes, and her head’s posture led him along a diagnostic path that finished, she’s about to register a complaint.

A bright smile was flashed her way. “What’s up?” The cheese and cracker found his mouth. It was so good, he reached for more.

“You need a haircut, babe.”

He shrugged, prepared to return to his book. “You’re probably right.” She was, but he wasn’t going to be so bald about it.

“I don’t understand your attitude toward your hair. Have you seen yourself ? Your hair is an unkempt mess.”

“Unkempt mess, as opposed to a kempt mess? Is kempt a word? I should google that.”

“You look like a homeless bum.”

“Isn’t that redundant? If you have a home, can you — ”

“Don’t change the subject. My point is that your hair is a mess. What’s with you and your hair?”

“Well, my philosophy is simple.” Raising a glass of pinot noir in her direction, he smiled. “Hair today, gone tomorrow.”

She was not amused.

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NIMB

NIMB (Floofintion) – Acronym that means Not In My Bed, employed by housepets to register their disdain for anyone/thing disrupting their slumber.

In use: “Raising her head, she issued a plaintive NIMB growl when another animal jumped onto the bed. The other immediately fled.”

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Floofcession

Floofcession (floofinition) – A number animals moving forward in an orderly fashion, especially as part of a ceremony, following mom, or going to eat.

In use: “When the can-opener began turning, a floofcession came through the door and settled at her feet.”

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Unifloof

Unifloof (floofinition) – Animals who hang around colleges and universitites.

In use: “Unifloofs were abundant, with unideer bringing their unifawns to mingle with the students, to unisquirrels racing across the campus and up trees, and, most popular with the students, unicats soaking in sunshine and knowledge while spying on the students to see what they were learning.”

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Eflooftome

Eflooftome (floofinition) – A housepet who is appears or acts like the perfect example of their species.

In use: “Lanky, with shades of lustrous gold in his coat, and twenty-four inches tall at his withers, Meyer sat in the doorway, the eflooftome of Golden Retrievers.”

 

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Stereofloof

Stereofloof (floofinition) – A widely held but fixed and oversimplified image or idea of a pet.

In use: “Batting balls around with wide-eyed zeal, ambushing and attacking anything that moved, purring when petted, and of course, appearing absolutely adorable, Logan the kitten was a stereofloof of kittens.

 

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Flooftub

Flooftub (floofinition) – A typically wide, open, deep, and round container used for holding  water, growing plants, etc., repurposed by pets as sleeping, hiding, and playing spaces.

In use: “During hot days, Ashley converted the main tub into a flooftub, stretching her long furry body out along the cool, porcelain bottom for afternoon naps that none dared to interrupt.”

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