Science fiction, fantasy, mystery and what-not
Exfloofsive (floofinition) – An area, period, or activity established or reserved for animal use.
In use: “She hadn’t planned it, but Caramel made every evening at eight PM his exfloofsive time, fetching his brush without being told, bringing it to her, and sitting down before her, waiting to be brushed, with his bright eyes telling her, “You know what you must do.” Resistance wasn’t even considered.”
Omnifloofium-gatherum (floofinition) – A gathering or collective of housepets. On small scales, they are generally organized around pools of sunlight or food being distributed. Organized omnifloofium-gatherums are established for more serious matters regarding quantum energy, shape-shifting, and time-shifting.
In use: “Each year, unbeknownst to humans, an omnifloofium-gatherum was established in which five representatives were sent to another dimension on a fact-finding adventure. Though it was an honor to be selected, the housepets felt bad for their humans, because they never knew what had happened to them.
“Then, along came a boy and a girl who changed everything.”
Floofcist (floofinition) – One who follows a floofcism, a doctrine that animals are less intelligent than humans, lack emotions, and don’t love or feel pain as humans do, and should therefore have less rights and freedoms.
In use: “Ted initially seemed like a great guy, but then revealed that he supported big game trophy hunting. Being floofcist was an immediate deal breaker for Heather, she told him. In response, he laughed at her shallow sentimentality.”
Spokesfloof (floofinition) 1. The outspoken pet that answers for the group when their people talk to them. 2. Persons, groups, or organizations that speak up on the behalf of animals to gain protections and rights.
In use: “Arriving home and seeing his menagerie, he always asked, “Who’s hungry?” Jade appointed herself as spokesfloof to reply, “Meee,” but the rest generally agreed with her after a few seconds.”
Floof Apparent (floofinition) – A housepet whose claim cannot be set aside by the birth or arrival of another housepet.
In use: “Though the kitten was gorgeous, Francis the dog knew that he was the floof apparent, and showed he was unconcerned by taking the kitten under his paw and helping her learn how the house worked.”
I spread the good news to my friends. “Hey, the local WalMart supposedly has the latest manscaping products in stock, and it’s supposed to be the best!”
They, twelve retired professionals ranging in age from sixty to eighty-five, responded.
“What?”
“WalMart!”
“Manscaping.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
I was not put off. I’d already talked to them about anal bleaching. They often overlook these fine points of pop-culture. I’m the chosen one to educate them.
Many immediately said, “We don’t shape at WalMart.”
I said, “You might need to change your ways, if you want the latest manscaping products suitable for urbane gents such as as yourselves.”
Bill laughed. “Manscaping! I don’t have the eyesight for that kind of thing. I’d be afraid of what I’m clipping.”
“Get your wife to help you,” I suggested. “You can make it a romantic evening.”
“A romantic evening of manscaping?” Joe asked.
“Yes. Light some candles and have a few glasses of wine, and then strip down, lay back on the bed, and let her groom you.”
Bill roared. “That’d be a bloody mess. Her eyesight is worse than me.”
Andy nodded. “Enough said. No one sees me naked and I’m not interested in landscaping myself just for the joy of it.”
“Someone change the subject,” Chris said.
“Hey,” I said, “did you hear about the new waxing place in town, just for men?”
Michael Seidel, writer 