Flooftap(floofinition) – 1. Gesture used by animal or human to attract the other’s attention.
In use: “Michael used a flooftap on Boo’s back to get the cat’s attention, but was quick — the cat was notorious for whirling and whipping up a disapproving paw, claw extended, without notice.”
In use: “As Michael went about cleaning food bowls prior to replenishing them, Tucker gave his foot a flooftap in passing, like, buddy, can you spare a kibble?”
2. Water faucet where a pet likes to drink.
In use: “Bobbi washed her hands, opened the bathroom door, and was immediately confronted by the Sweeney’s large Golden Retriever, ready to come in to use the flooftap for a drink.”
Clausfloofphobia(floofinition) – 1. Extreme concern or fear about an animal being locked up in a confining space.
In use: “Many pet owners experience clausfloofphobia when it comes to putting their fur friend into a small kennel or carrier to take them to the vet. It never helped that the animal cried, whimpered, or meowed like it was the end of the world.”
2. Deep-seated worry that an animal is locked up or trapped somewhere.
In use: “When Beda’s cat disappeared and didn’t come to her calls, clausfloofphobia kicked in as she feared that he was trapped in someone’s house or car.”
Counterfloof(floofinition) – 1. Animal which appears to be another animal.
In use: “Sometimes at night, counterfloofs — skunks which resembled their big black and white cat — caused confusion and consternation, although calamity was ultimately avoided.”
2. Animal, especially pets, who like to sit on kitchen, restaurant, or bar counters.
In use: “The bird was the worse counterfloof, but seeing the bird on the counter always made the cat think it was okay for her to be a counterfloof, too, which always upset the dog and provoked a barkstorm, because he knew it wasn’t okay for them to be counterfloofs and he hated it when the cat flouted the rules.”
3. Actions taken to mitigate animal influence or divert animal attention or activity.
In use: “Often, as a counterfloof, he surrendered to giving his pets treats so they’d be unaware that the carrier was being prepared to take them to the vet.”
Floofvent(floofinition) 1. A community of animals, or the building where such a community gather.
In use: “Sacred places, floofvents are often kept secret from humans, as humans have repeatedly demonstrated that many of them cannot be trusted and are a menace to animals.”
2. To proclaim loudly and at length, sometimes with vehemence, about matters involving animals.
In use: “Coming home to discover wrecked plants, an overturned trash can in the kitchen, and two shredded toilet paper rolls strewn around the house, Penni indulged in a floofvent for the first fifteen minutes after her arrival.”
3. An animal’s long, nonstop tirade about something bothering them.
In use: “Hearing sirens often provoke floofvents from some dogs, as they howl back at the noise.”
Floofporal(floofinition) – 1. Relating to animal affairs as opposed to spiritual or worldly matters.
In use: “Though there were bills to pay, housework to do, and errands to run, Keri gave more attention to floofporal matters like walking the dog or brushing the cat’s fur.”
2. Time as related to animals.
In use: “The Floofporal Port allowed animals to travel anywhere in time within a specified period, according to their Human Index Relationship Rating (HIRR). For example, dinosaurs, with a few modern exceptions, were not allowed to visit, say, 2022 San Francisco, while cats and dogs could and did zip back and forth between periods, often visiting the same person in a different life again and again.”
Today is Thursday, February 17, 2022. A few sketchy cloud islands keep the sky from achieving a perfect blue. A robust sun brought the light and heat at 7:05 AM. Temperatures have climbed quickly. It’s 46 F now and we expect a high of 61 F before the Earth’s spin steals the sun from our sector at 5:46 PM.
I’m feeling a little off today. Not sick or anything. Just behind on my routines. Explanation:
I have a young ginger cat. We’ll call him Trouble, which is not his real name, but I want to protect his privacy. After going out at two AM and coming back in at two twenty (it was a cold night, about 29 F), At 5:42 AM, Trouble woke me again with his song of his need to leave again, to be wild and free, outside. I let him out and used the bathroom. While in there, the sick cat asked for food. “Okay, I’ll feed you, baby,” I said. I had a can open for him, got him the food, and settled back into bed.
Or tried. Tucker, the house’s Prime Floof, had taken over my spot and was purring like a revving motocycle. I tried shifting him, but cats can multiply their body weight by over one thousand percent at will, and I couldn’t budge him. I had to reconfigure myself and my space.
That was when Trouble came knocking to come back in.
I let Trouble in. He proceeded to tell off sick cat. I provided sick cat with another helping of food. 6:15. Back to bed. A few minutes later, sick cat began beating his water bowl and complaining. I got up to address his issue. Water bowl was empty. But I’d just filled it last night —
“Yeah, whatever,” reality said, “it’s empty now.” I refilled the water bowl. Went back to bed.
Trouble arrived. Could I please let him out, OMG, it’s so important that I let him out now.
AAARGH.
I let Trouble out and lectured him about what he was doing to me. Returned to bed. Drifted to sleep reflecting on remembered dreams.
Guess who came knocking to come back in?
It was now eight. I’m usually up by now but I felt exhausted. I began exercising, which will usually stir up enough blood movement to reach the point that I can get to the kitchen, make coffee, and resuscitate my heart. “More sleep,” my body whispered with seductive tones. “You got it,” my brain replied, because he’s such a pushover.
Back to bed I went and did not get up until ten AM.
When I saw the time, my brain shrieked, “Ten AM! OMG. I’m in bed so late.” My body replied. “So? You don’t work. You have no employment. What difference does it make?”
“I still have things to do,” I reply with royal indignation, “like drink coffee, for example.”
“And feed cats,” sick cat said.
I have a song, “Uprising” by Muse in the morning mental music stream. I did it as a theme song not long ago and don’t want to repeat it today. That forced me to find another song. Nothing was coming to mind. The neurons finally started circulating “Cradle Of Love” by Billy Idol (1990). “Why?” I asked the neurons. “Because we like it,” they said, then went on with petulance, “Why not?”
Right. Why not.
Stay positive, test negative, wear a mask as needed, and get the vax and boosters when you’re able. Here’s the music. I’m crawling into the kitchen for some coffee. Cheers
Bossfl’f(floofinition) – Animal slang for the alpha or lead member of a group.
In use: “All the house cats and dogs knew the female in the house was the bossfl’f, so they mostly ignored what the man and children said, unless a treat was offered.”
Floofcam(floofinition) – 1. Camera which animals set up to spy on others or monitor activities.
In use: “Remy needed to keep checking on what his human was doing in the bathroom because his floofcam wasn’t sending any images. Turned out that the human had moved the little toy ball where Remy housed the camera.”
2. Camera humans use to monitor animals or their activities.
In use: “Many people establish kitten rooms, puppy rooms, or foster rooms, to help in their activities, and like to use a floofcam to keep track of what the animals are doing, which they’ll often also stream to the web.”
Michael Seidel, writer 