The Cat Food

He was in Walmart, a store that he detests and avoids, but here he was, because he was being supportive. While there, WTH, the thinking goes, look at the cat food offerings and prices to update his mental database of such things. This is mostly because the little cat is ill. Always a picky eater, his disease has exacerbated this, so cans are opened for the little feline to pick his way through. Some are more successful than others, but his usual favorites have been soundly rejected. New flavors are required.

So he’s in the aisle, examining prices and offerings beside a couple who are about fifteen years older than him (he thinks), making them in their late seventies. The woman says, “Chicken and waffle cat food.”

Before thinking can be processed, his mouth is engaged. “No way. Really? You have to be making that up.”

She points out the package and he examines it. The three agree, it’s an absurd idea. None of them are buying it,

They talk, of course, about their cats’ eating habits, and how all are picky eaters. The man relates a tale about one cat.

The man loves the shrimp he buys at Costco. So does the cat, who gets aggressive about it, trying to steal it out of his hand and off his plate when he’s eating. He gives the cat some, of course, because he’s a human, and the cat is in charge. Yes, clearly. We all know this.

But, here is the punch line. The cat won’t touch any cat food with shrimp in it.

“Figures,” the man says, walking away. “Cats, right?”

Floofdoctrinate

Floofdoctrinate (floofinition) – to teach pet fundamentals or rudiments; to imbue with a partisan point of view or principle that favor housepets.

In use: “People argue that cats are better than dogs in floofdoctrinating humans about what is wanted and accepted.”

Traffic Jam

As I was walking together, I developed a new game concept. I’d come across a small traffic jam. Traffic jams are rare in our little town. Most are small. Parades and school letting out are the usual problems.

But other places have traffic jams, which helped me develop (meaning, daydream about) my Traffic Jam game. Like Clue, the players move, but in this case, they move from corner to corner and street to street, collecting information and making guesses about what’s going on. In Traffic Jam, it would be stated as, “Don, in a gray Mini, stopping to make a right hand turn from the left hand lane.”

That’s all I got.

Floofucate

Floofucate (floofintion) – give intellectual, moral, and social instruction about having housepets or being a housepet.

In use: “He’d never had a cat before, but the kitten soon floofucated him about cat rules.”

Monday’s Theme Music

“Back in the U.S.S.R” by the Beatles (1968) is today’s theme music. I thought it was appropriate to give a nod to a nation that no longer exists, one who built walls to keep their nation safe while building up a huge military and cutting their social safety nets and education, a nation whose primary concern became driven by the ruling party, who did everything they could to remain in power, control and intimidate their citizens.

It’s a pretty good song.

The Secret Hour

We’ve voted in our house, and agree that we should have a secret hour – that extra one that doesn’t show up anywhere but in your sleep – every night. (Amusingly, it’s called setting the clocks back to conceal the deal the Feds made with the Time Fairies.)

The vote was unanimous and not a surprise that the cats all voted for it. We had to wake them up to vote. As Papi summarized, “If it’s food or sleeping, I’m all for it.”

We know better than to actually advocate for a secret hour every night. There are dangers associated with having the Time Fairies come each night to give you the extra hour. One, your time isn’t infinite. Those hours come from somewhere.

Two, and more worrying, for every hour they give you, the Time Fairies own you more.

Most worrying of all, the Time Fairies are thin-skinned and petty. They’re wont to go for revenge at the slightest perceived insult. You must be careful not to piss them off.  I’m sure you’ve seen some of their victims, listless as they wander around, craving sleep that will not come, not able to die because it’s not their time, but without the energy to do anything, because the Time Fairies own their time.

 

ERROR!

My writing is done through typing, so this might might sound odd. Sometimes, when the words are speeding through me and I’m in the scene, I close my eyes as I type, because I don’t need to see the words. Weirdly, the words are a distraction, and get in my way. With my eyes closed, I jump into a fast rhythm.

A problem only develops when I open my eyes and discover I have one or both hands incorrectly positioned on the keyboard. It’s first funny, but then aggravating, because I was streaming, and I don’t really know what I was typing.

Yeah, just happened a short time ago, when I decided to rewrite several pages. Hoo, boy. Gulp some coffee and begin again. That’s all I can do.

Floofcapade

Floofcapade (floofinition) – a show put on by or for housepets.

In use: “When the puppies met the cats, it became quite a floofcapade. The fearless puppies hustled up to the tom and queen. Bewildered, the two cats raised paws to swat but didn’t hit anyone, instead leaning forward to sniff the puppies. To the puppies, that meant lick, sniff, and jump on. Watching with alarm, Susan awaited the cat’s response, but to her surprise, they let the puppies chase them around.

“Animals would never stop surprising her, she thought.”

Floofvitational

Floofvitational (floofinition) – an exclusive event centered around housepets.

In use: “Dinner was a floofvitational as the cats, dogs, and bird jostled for their part of the evening repast. Having another human in, even if she was a date and potential mate, put a damper on this day’s floofvitational as the animal retreated from the stranger, except for Penny. Penny was always ready to eat and didn’t care who else was there, as long as he got his share.”

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