Category: humor

Tuesday’s Wandering Thought

The differences between them are growing after almost half of a century being together.

The Jack Spratt nursery rhyme goes, “Jack Spratt could eat no fat. His wife could eat no lean. And so between the two of them, they licked the platter clean.”

It feels to him like they’re living in a modern version of that, with heat substituted for food. She needs the high heat. He’s fine barefoot and in a light sweater, the heat at 66 F. They put the heater on for her even as she dons more and more layers of clothes, and he strips down.

It’s like, “Mike S doesn’t feel the cold, his wife could feel no heating. And so between the two of them, he sweats as she is freezing.”

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Sunday’s Wandering Thought

He read the coffee shop’s employee instructions for washing their hands. This was in the restroom. The final step of their hygiene guidance was to use a paper towel to turn off the water. These were part of the instructions posted on an air dryer. The restroom had no paper towels.

It struck him as funny that they stopped with turning off the water using a paper towel which wasn’t available and didn’t mention opening the door. With what were the employees to seize the handle? Apparently, the door handle was safe, where the water handle was not.

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Floofstack

Floofstack (floofinition) – 1. A pile of animals sleeping or playing together, or animals side by side or nose to tail.

In use: “Colder days brought the animals into a floofstack as they sought warmer spaces, decided other warm bodies weren’t bad, and put aside disagreements in comfort’s name.

2. An accumulation of activities needed to be done that were delayed because of animals.

In use: “Barb had a dozen things she planned to do on the computer but it was like every household animal was given the word, because all of them came in asking her for things and she soon faced a floofstack as other tasks were added.”

3. A list of actions needed to be done for animals.

In use: “With a household full of critters, Stacy and her children had a constant floofstack to work down, beginning with morning feedings and cleaning food and water bowls and refilling them, to walking animals, and cleaning cages and kitty litter boxes.”

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Friday Change

Slow for a Friday, the coffee shop was relatively quiet. The baristas’ joking behind the counter was actually heard across the business.

Only three other patrons occupied tables. Regulars, he knew their names, drinks, and faces. He supposed that they knew the same for him. Maybe not. Maybe they weren’t as observant as him or didn’t care.

A thin sigh passed his lips. He was supposed to be writing but it was one of those days when procrastination stopped him like a mudslide blocking a road. He was a little bored, tired, and restless. I’ll begin in a minute, he told himself, and noted the time. Yeah, like he was really that disciplined and focused. More coffee will help, he decided.

Reaching for the cup, he glanced at the coffee shop table. The blond wood – he didn’t know what kind it was – had a dark knot which resembled a mustache. As he chuckled at that, he spotted two small symmetrical knots above the mustache. They were like eyes, he mused, sipping coffee.

The eyes blinked at him.

His body quailed with alarm as his mind shouted, “What the hell?” He set the coffee down.

A new knot rose, forming a mouth below the mustache.

He looked around the coffee shop. No one was near. He wanted to show someone as validation for his sanity, and then pulled out his phone to photograph the small developing face. As he raised the phone for the photo, the mouth moved.

“Help me,” he heard. “Help.”

Pulling back, he lowered the phone. Friday was about to change in ways he’d never planned.

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Wednesday’s Wandering Thought

His reflection from the mirror startled him. He looked just like an Oompa-Loompa from Charley and the Chocolate Factory.

Just one of those days, he told himself with a suppressed sigh.

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Flooftine

Flooftine (floofinition) – A regular course of action established by one or more animal’s needs, habits, practices.

In use: “Like many people with pets, Gina discovered her activities prescribed by flooftines. The dogs’ flooftines were manageable because the dogs were more accommodating and willing to bend their flooftines to Gina’s routines. But that cat, Loki, honored no one’s orders but his own, rising at three AM to gallop around, eat, and then waking the others to feed or play with him. Lokie’s flooftines were disruptive.”

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Merchfloofdising

Merchfloofdising (floofinition) – 1. Sales and service promotions directed toward people living or caring for animals.

In use: “More recent developments include merchfloofdising such as commercials for pet health insurance, playing heavily on guilt and responsibility to push people to buy the products.”

2. Advertising which use animals to project traits such as speed, power, and strength, to entice people into buying products and services.”

In use: “Subaru’s advertising has a heavy merchfloofdising bend to it, with one recent television commercial featuring a man bonding with a dog over the years which he owns his Subaru.”

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Sunday’s Wandering Thought

He remembered when his family ordered things from a catalog when he was a boy. First, there was filling out the form of the item numbers, quantities, and prices. “Get my credit card from my purse,” Mom would order. The 800 number was called, the order placed.

Days of mystery would ensue. When would the order get here? Where is it now? Each day brought the three Ws: watching, waiting, wondering.

Slip forward a few decades. Companies began telling him exactly when his order would arrive. Shipping and tracking advances continued. Soon, he tracked his packages as they left faraway cities and countries and zigzagged a path to his home. He knew exactly when it would arrive. It was immensely satisfying.

Systems matured and processes evolved. Breakdowns from overloaded, overpromising systems became endured. Tracking information is still sent out, but he frequently finds himself as he was when he was a child, watching, waiting, wondering.

He feels like he’s gone full circle.

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