The Path Dream

Just did a walk-about writing break, and thought about one of last night’s dreams.

I was helping a man build a path. We each had a length of nylon rope. What I thought of as his rope was yellow and mine was white. The white rope was in my left hand, and the yellow rope was in my right. It was reversed for him. We were using the ropes to lay out the path. It was a long path, and were squatting down to do this.

So, weird, the path already existed in my mind, because he was laying the rope on a long and straight stretch of black cement. On either end was a platform that people were to use to arrive and depart.

Others were watching from grassy areas on either side of me. The man would shift the ropes one way and then the other as I followed his lead. I didn’t understand why he was doing this. “How’s it going?” an onlooker asked me.

“Slow,” I said. “I don’t understand what he’s doing. One, the path already exists. Why does he need another one? Two, why was he trying different paths? I don’t see what the difference he makes? Why doesn’t he make a decision? As part of that, I don’t understand why the path that’s already there doesn’t satisfy him. Three, shouldn’t the path, if you were going to make it, connect the platforms that people were expected to use?”

The onlooker said, “I don’t know.”

That dream ended.

Of course, thinking about it during my walk, I realized that I’m the other man. I have the path establish but doubt keeps me looking for another path. Why, I keep asking myself, just as I do in the dream? Clearly, it’s because I doubt the path, even though it’s already established.

 

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The Path

I’m dissatisfied with where I’m at, and took some time to deconstruct how I came here.

All the choices and thoughts that delivered me to this point were mine or my partners. It wasn’t in a vacuum and outside influences were involved. Eventually I figured out that I’d had a vision. I created a path to achieving that vision, and I achieved the vision. The vision included several goals. All done.

My problem arose from not creating a new vision, new goals to support that vision, and new paths to those goals. I’d worked a long time to achieve my vision and forged solid paths to that end. But once I created a new vision, I didn’t create new paths. I stayed in the old paths. They were comfortable. They are comfortable.

The old paths became circular.

They became a tunnel.

And I couldn’t see my way out. I had a fresh vision and goals but I resisted changing my paths. No doubt, this was due to the solid, comfortable tunnel I’d built.

I knew and felt dissatisfaction on several levels but couldn’t comprehend how to proceed. After all, I was doing what I’d always done, and that had always worked. Yes, I understood that I was growing older. I understood my new vision.

The disenchantment grew. I resumed meditation. I knew I was frustrated and the frustration fed anger, resentment, impatience and hostility. I sought balance.

I achieved much better balance but the disenchantment remained. I resumed working on recording dreams. Meditation was done. Journals of thoughts and feelings were written. I’m a writer so I write. I realize now how much I write to understand what I’m thinking.

My understanding of myself expanded but I developed little insight into what else was needed. Extreme restlessness arose. Where do I go from here?

I began to see that I needed to break out. I tried small changes. I recently tried ‘opposite day’ and then attempted to so things differently to break up my routines. Walk different patterns on my walking routines. Play different music. Read different genres. In this, I addressed symptoms that were results of the issue but not the root causes.

Now I have a better idea of where I’m at and what I need.

Onward, one more time.

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