Science fiction, fantasy, mystery and what-not
Floofwind (catfinition) – a powerful, localized wind caused when one or more cats and kittens gallop, scamper, dash, sprint, and race around.
In use: “The kittens took off, energizing the elders, and a floofwind quickly engulfed the living room, sending things flying off tables and into the air.”
Inflooftable (catfinition) – a cat who cannot be avoided.
In use: “A big, strong short hair tabby, he was inflooftable as the official house greeter, and it was best to accept his inspection and get it done.”
Into our lives come weird tales. Everyone has them. They don’t happen often for me, and I’m happy about that, and they’re not very weird. One happened last night.
I feel asleep reading and watching television in the snug. In the recliner, I was streaming “Case Histories” on Amazon Prime with the sound turned low. I’d seen it before, so I was also reading “The Lies of Locke Lamore”. We had a high-wind advisory in effect. I wasn’t worried. Two cats were weighing me down against getting blown away.
At two A.M., I awoke. The first thing I realized was that the cats had abandoned me. Second, I saw that the Roku had reset and was going through its update music. Interesting. Next, I saw with a glance at the modem that the network had reset. Well, I thought, the wind storm had probably caused some ISP issues.
Seeing the time, I decided to go to bed. Turning everything off, I left the snug, and then paused. The interior door to the garage was on my left. Not ajar, but not pulled tight, I could see that a light was on in the garage.
My wife or I must have left it on after going in there on an errand, I speculating, opening the door. But when I opened it, it wasn’t the garage interior lights that were on, but the garage door light. You know how that works? We have a garage door opener. When you press the button, a signal is sent. Receiving it, the garage door opener turns on a light and raises or lowers the door. That’s the light that was on.
That light wasn’t on before.
Being a cautious and paranoid person, I backed away from the door while keeping my eyes on it. Opening the coat closet, I took out the heavy metal flashlight we hang in there for emergencies. Not only does it provide a strong beam, but it has a solid heft to it, and can be useful as a weapon. See where my thoughts go?
Flashlight on, I first flashed it around the house, and then turned on the main hall light, and checked the front door. Locked. Okay. Going into the garage, I checked the side door. Finding it locked, I went around the garage to confirm nothing was out of place or missing, and everything was in order. Everything was as it should be. My mind dislikes vacuums, so I guessed, there must have been a power failure. I checked the clocks on the kitchen appliances. They were correct. Nothing anywhere indicated a power failure, except, perhaps the network and Roku. Going around the house, I repeated the process of checking doors and windows to ensure everything was closed and nothing was missing. Everything was as it should be.
The garage door opener light is on a timer. It now went off.
I couldn’t recall the garage door light going on after power was restored before. Maybe I had a faulty memory. Sleep and I had parted company at this point. I returned to the snug and read until I fell asleep. Then, awakening at three, I went to bed.
The garage door light entered my dreams. I was investigating it and testing different theories of how the garage opener light went on in my dreams. Jamie Dimon, CEO of JPMorganChase, showed up to help, but he was useless. In some weirder parts of my dream, the garage door mystery was discussed on MTV and everyone started eating jelly beans.
As an aside to the jelly bean part, we put up an Easter tree using pussy willows. They were placed in a glass vase filled with jelly beans to hold up the pussy willows. Now that Easter was over, I was allowed to eat the jelly beans.
The jelly beans, made by Brach’s, were pastel colors, and pretty. Their smell was reminiscent of sugar and marshmallows, drawing Easter basket memories up out of my youth. I tasted some jelly beans.
OMG, they were terrible. They tasted like sugar with a small effort to have a flavor like blueberry or cherry. I tasted different colors to see if I liked any. They didn’t have any black ones, which are my favorites. Of the colors presented, the orange ones had the strongest orange flavor, actually managing to overcome that sense I was only eating sugar.
Anyway, that’s my tale of the weird. It’ll probably be a few years before there’s another one. At least, that’s my hope.
Someone asked me if I could tell them where there’s an “ATM machine” nearby.
WTF? Really? What do you think that M in ATM stands for? Money?
That kicked in a memory stream. I remember when ATMs first came out.
Yes, I am that old, children.
(I also remember when cable sprawl began, and when we started having color televisions, microwaves, and all the kinds of satellite things we now have. Get over it.)
We thought ATMs were great. Before them, you had to park, go inside, get in line, and take care of business, or drive into a line, if there were drive-through tellers, wait, and take care of business. Whichever option you chose, waiting was involved.
There was a forty dollar limit on what we could withdraw from ATMs back then. Forty dollars was a lot more money in that era. A tank of gas cost me less than ten, or maybe just over ten, dollars. Coffee – hello? – was a dollar a cup. Believe it, children.
Banks touted ATMs as a wonderful invention. It would save them so much money, and they would pass all those savings on to you through increased interest rates on your accounts and certificates of deposit. You could get your money from any ATM. Isn’t that great? Yes, it was wonderful!
Then, the banks and credit unions started complaining about the unanticipated costs. There were lines at the ATMs because there were longer lines in the bank, because they’d cut back on tellers to reduce overhead. The number of ATM transactions started to be capped. Going over that number meant you’d be penalized.
Then came the networks. Networks were formed to share the costs and reduce the burdens – for the financial institutions. What it meant for you was that if an ATM wasn’t in your network, you’d be charged for the luxury of using that machine to access your money. Piss me off?
You betcha. We were always wandering around towns, looking for ATMs and asking, “Is that one in our network?” Everyone had their eyes peeled for ATMs, crying out, “There’s one!” Then we’d aim the car that way. Yes, children, this was before ATMs came to be in other businesses, or stores. This was also before debit cards.
The ATMs typically had a list of networks that the institution belonged to. You’d need to figure out if one of those networks included your institution. If you couldn’t find one, you could be charged, with good ol’ Bank of America (who else, right?) leading the way in outrageous fees. Eventually, the banks and credit unions were forced to warn you if you were going to be charged, and accept that fee before going on.
Of course, the reverse of this was not having ATMs, but depending on your bank and credit union by writing checks, or going in, standing in the lobby for a while, and withdrawing some funds. That wasn’t fun, either.
So, even with my complaints (I am Michael, hear me complain), the ATMs are a lot better than the way it was. Just remember to heed the unspoken warning, “User beware.”
Flooftif (catfinition) – a salient artistic theme centered on depictions of felines, also known as cattif.
In use: “The many statues, paintings, and ceramic of cats provides the stereotypical flooftif of a cat-love, but this isn’t a facade; she genuinely loves cats, and they love her.”
Refloofestation (catfinition) – to refill a home with cats and floofenalia.
In use: “After his beloved Blur died, he swore, “No more cats,” but Princess arrived, and refloofestation began.”
SUT (catfinition) – web slang to refer to a cat who walks, runs, and stands with a straight-up tail (SUT).
In use: “Except when encountering another cat, Papi is a galloping SUT.”
Infloofential (catfinition) – a feline exerting or possessing influence
In use: “He was in a hurry – as usual, believing in a wait and then hurry-up approach to getting things done – when the infloofential Quinn called a meow and floof-flopped at his feet, diverting his stream of activity into other things, like petting and talking to the cat.”
Delecat (catfinition) – to entrust a feline with a duty or responsibility.
In use: “In retrospect, he was foolish to think Princess was the best delecat for mousing, as she preferred companionship to hunting.”
Ever read a news article, like the one from the other day, when a thirty pound tumor was removed from a sixty-something year-old man, and think, hey, I wonder if that’s what’s wrong with me?
No? Just me, then?
(As an aside, I realized this could be tagged as tumor humor.)
Michael Seidel, writer 