Science fiction, fantasy, mystery and what-not
Back when I was eleven, my future-self visited me to impart some advance. “Always confirm that toilet paper is available before you sit down and start your business. Sometimes others won’t be there to spare a square.”
Then he left. He’d arrived ten minutes late, of course, and left without providing the square so desperately desired.
As Alanis would sing, “Isn’t it ironic, don’t you think?”
Floofbernation (catfinition) – condition or state in which a cat sits motionless, with their eyes open, their paws and legs curled and tucked underneath them, and their tail wrapped along their body, to stay warm.
In use: “It was a weak sun, so the cat went into floofbernation on the sidewalk in the hope that strong sunshine would soon arrive.”
Catwich (catfinition) – inserted or stuck between two or more felines, often in a bed or restricted space, reducing its comfort.
In use: “Once again, he found himself pinned in bed, the human lunch meat in a catwich, with two floofs on either side acting as slices of bread to hold him in. It was like they planned these things.”
Floofgenue (catfinition) – a naive kitten or young cat. Floofgenues were often referred to as females in traditional catology, but it’s now considered acceptable to apply the term to male or female cats.”
In use: “The old tomcat recognized the white newcomer as a floofgenue, and took the other under his paw to teach him the proper way to be a cat.”
Pawticuffs (catfinition) – a blow with a paw; combat with paws without extended claws.
In use: “Sometimes, when Pogo was irritated, pawticuffs would ensue, but the big ginger boy kept his claws retracted, an acknowledgement to them that the loving cat would never hurt them.”
The question before the household today is, “Is the spider in the master bath a black widow?”
My wife noticed it this morning, notified me, and left. She wasn’t sure if it was a black widow.
Our basic spider policy is live and let live. However, we usually relocate black widows, if they’re in the house. I know of one that lives on the front porch, and two in the garage. I’ve not seen any of them for a while. They might have gone away on vacation. I don’t know if spiders do that, or where they go if they do. Does Disney operate a place called Spider Land, where they have little spider rides and play games, like, catch the fly?
I tried checking the spider out. A big spider, it’s down by the floor in the corner, about a foot right of where my little toe on my right foot would be when I’m shaving. Its web didn’t quite look like a black widow’s web. It was now also day, and that area is pretty lit. I don’t think those are black widow conditions, but maybe this one was a trend setter.
The light wasn’t good, and there was an issue with getting too close. The issue was that I was nervous. I enjoy an active imagination and watching movies. The product of that formula is that I worry about a spider leaping out at me, like they sometimes do in movies. If it did, it would probably land on my check, something that I didn’t favor as an outcome.
So, I couldn’t see the spider well. Well, then, I’d capture and examine it, and go from there. I got some plastic ware from the kitchen and set out on my mission. Positioning myself, I gave myself a pep talk. Be fast and sure, because it was going to run. Once I had it in the plastic, I’d need to cover it with the lid. Okay, good plan.
In position, I shoved the plastic forward.
I’d overlooked one thing: the freaking little plastic piece was too big for the space.
Naturally, I’d broken the web, alerting the spider that something big was after it. It ran for cover, dashing into a space under the sink.
Nuts.
That all happened two hours ago. Since then, I decided, aha, I’ll take a picture of it, or video. But I just checked; the spider has not re-emerged.
I’m sure there’s another act to this minor drama, but first, there’s an intermission.
Floofdoggle (catfinition) – an impractical or wasteful activity or project involving one or more cats.
In use: “His penchant for floofdoggles included trying to train his cats to step on a mat that activated the food dispenser, and another one that would turn on a water bowl so the cats could have fresh food and water. Unfortunately, the leery felines chose to go around the mat to get to the food and water bowls, forcing him to devise other ways to satisfy their needs.”
Moo-floof (catfinition) – cat whose meow sounds like a cow bellowing, “Moo”; cat whose markings bring a cow to mind.
In use: “”Moo,” he heard, and looking back, saw a small white-chested tabby energetically pursuing him. “Moo,” the cat repeated, its mouth opened wide. “Moo.””
Connectcat (catfinition) – comprehensive map of a cat’s location in an area via the traces and objects left behind.
In use: “Fur on a chair, a toy mouse under the table, and bags of treats began creating the foundation of the connectcat, which developed a story about where the housecats liked to go and do.”
Kittenstompen (catfinition) (German) – the forceful application of paws to a human’s kidneys or other vulnerable anatomy.
In use: “He said, “Sometimes, in the early morning, a cat decides that I don’t need any more sleep, and then there’s what German-speaking housecats call kittenstompen, which is the forceful application of paws to a human’s kidneys or other vulnerable anatomy.””
h/t to Thomas Weaver, North of Andover
Michael Seidel, writer 