Floofverture (floofinition) – an approach by an animal, typically a housepet, for assistance.
In use: “Many unhomed canine mothers made floofvertures to people they could trust to help them with their puppies.”
Genius Drinks
So you know that they’ve come out with Genius Coffee. It’s about time, innit? But, I hasten to inquire, where is our genius booze? I’d like to walk into my fav beverage hangout and ask for a Genius IPA.
Wouldn’t it be excellent if McDonald’s and Wendy’s began selling genius milkshakes? (Picture those television commercials.) Have a Genius Coke with your Jack? Prefer a Genius Red Bull? No doubt we’d need to have genius wine, vodka, tequila, to be fair, along with genius water, for those who don’t partake.
Maybe, then, if all these genius beverages work, we can make progress on what humanity is doing to each other and the rest of the world. Doubts force me to say, probably not. More likely, some will declare, “I don’t trust geniuses, so why should I swallow a genius drink?”
I don’t blame them. I’d be dubious of genius drinks. God knows what I’d learn about myself that I’ve worked so hard to hide.
Melting Away
Did you ever think about what it might be like to actually melt away?
Would you melt all over simultaneously, or start on the outside? Do you begin melting at some specific body part, like your heart? Perhaps your brain starts melting first, giving the signal for the rest to proceed to melt, like the green flag at a car race.
Maybe you start melting from the bottom, growing shorter as your feet melt in a pool below your ankles, causing your pants’ hems to drag along the ground, lowering your inseams by several inches. It starts with your toes, soles, and heel, and then you melt up through your legs. The ankles melt, followed by your shin and your calves. Then your knees droop and dribble away. Next are your thighs, pursued by your butt, hips, and your pelvis.
Everything is melting from your bone marrow out. Soon, you’re just a torso in a pool of your liquid self, a being whose head looks too big, with arms that are two long. Then your abdomen and back joins the melting. Eventually, all that remains is your head on your neck, sticking up from the ground like a flower blooming toward the sun.
Heftyfloof
Heftyfloof (floofinition) – a pet which is large boned or has a thick, fluffy coat of fur, giving it an appearance of being larger that it is.
In use: “He was a heftyfloof, with a silver and gray coat that radiated out, but underneath that coat was a very slender boy.”
Evanfloofical
Evanfloofical (floofinition) – of or according to the teachings of the animals.
In use: “Following the evanfloofical faith, he soon learned about being patient, compassionate, and giving while interacting with his pets.”
Eflooflitarianism
Eflooflitarianism (floofinition) – the doctrine that all animals are equal and deserve equal rights and opportunities.
In use: “Eflooflitarianism was rampant in the Thresher household. All found animals were treated and protected, including an injured sewer rat. They planned to foster these animals and find them homes or return them to their natural habitats, but instead extended their house with pet condos to house all of their friends.”
Catansy
Catansy (catfinition) – a cat’s faculty or activity of imagining things, especially things that are impossible or improbable.
In use: “Michael used to think that Papi avoided the door mats because of his eyesight. Then he began suspecting that the cat had a catansy that the doormats were lava pits or some other threat that must be circumvented. Lately, though, Papi’s behavior changed Michael’s thinking, and he started wondering if Papi avoided the mats because they were quantum traps.”
Unifloofal
Unifloofal (floofinition) – the presence of housepets occurring everywhere; a term that encompasses every housepet.
In use: “Pets are unifloofal in some neighborhoods, with a cat or dog visible in a yard or window, with unknown others such as birds and fish out of sight in the house.”
Floofsical
Floofsical (floofinition) – a housepet’s unusual behavior or appearance, especially in an appealing and amusing way; a play or movie strongly featuring housepets in central roles.
In use: “Homeward Bound: the Incredible Journey is a well-known 1993 floofsical that featured a cat and two dogs in a remake of the 1963 movie.”
Floofare
Floofare (floofinition) – a short and showy blast of trumpets, often imaginary, that accompanies a housepet’s entrance; a housepet’s showy outward display.
In use: “Whenever the door opened and his name was called, the puppy galloped in, and around the room, putting on such a display that all could hear the floofare announcing his entrance.”
