Tit for Cat

I sat down on the toilet to do my morning thing. Instantly one of the three household cats graced me with his attention. One always does. Should I get in there and close the door before one arrives, a pitiful protest begins outside the door.

Boo wound himself back and forth against my legs while purring, meowing, and tossing glances at me. I said, “Will I never be allowed to do my business at home without one of you helping me? It’s irritating sometimes, you know. How would you like it if I petted you while you were in the litter box doing your business?”

I swear that his purr when up twenty decibels.

Daily Goals

“What are your goals today?”

It was the female without an accent asking. Accents and the apparent sexes their voices displayed were the only way of identifying the daily taskmasters. Identifying was a weak expression, as they remained nameless and without form.

He scratched and swallowed. He needed to get up and drink water but also pee. Was that ironic? No, coincident.

Goals. “I want to get up and pee.” That would get him no points but they didn’t remonstrate him. Still, sharp past responses made him moderate his approach.

“Write, of course,” he said.

“You always do that,” she said.

Did he imagine that she sighed? “Still counts,” he said.

Silence answered. They weren’t pleased.

He said, “Wash, vacuum, and gas the cars.”

A male overseer said, “Good,” with boredom as thick as flies on shit.

“Yard work.”

“Hmmm.”

“Finish reading a book.”

“Oh.” The female. “What book?”

“Donna Leon, The Waters of Eternal Youth”. 

“Very good.” Happiness seemed to shower him. “That’s a good goal. Good luck.”

He was released. Opening his eyes, he sat up. Of all that he’d said, what would most count was reading the book. That was his number one priority. He was hungry and needed enough points to get a decent meal. He sensed that if he failed to read the book,  they’d punish him.

Draining his bladder in the water closet, he snorted and chortled. His mind was a strange overseer.

Floofzing

Floofzing (floofinition) – napping in a semi-somnolent state, with senses alert for intrusions, threats, or someone eating something.

In use: “The floofzing cats’ ears turned when he drew a bag of granola from the cupboard, tuning into the sound as they napped and waiting to see what developed.”

 

Carpe floof

Carpe floof (floofinition) – the enjoyment of the pleasures of a housepet without concern for the future.

In use: “Much spring cleaning remained but the cats and dogs’ loving looks inspired a carpe floof mood, and she found herself with her pets on a chair in the sun, eating a pastry while reading a book.”

Haflooftia

Haflooftia (floofinition) – a housepet’s tragic flaw.

In use: “Cleo was generally a sweet tabby, but her haflooftia of sitting on the steps and preventing the dogs from going up and down almost led to her being re-homed.”

Parafloofic

Parafloofic (floofinition) – of, having the form of, or relating to a housepet, such as a cat, dog, bird, etc.; expressed by being a housepet.

In use: “One large sun room was a parafloofic paradise, full of cat trees, food and water dishes for the cats and dogs, cushioned sofas and chairs where the animals lounged in sunshine, and budgies hanging from the ceiling in cages.

Reflooftive

Reflooftive (floofinition) – a person’s behavior imitating a pet’s action; a housepet’s efforts to imitate or duplicate people’s behavior.

In use: “The morning became a reflooftive routine. First, when the dog stretched, she dropped down and stretched like him, wiggling her butt like he wagged his tail. Then, when she went into her yoga routine, he joined alongside her, stretching and putting his leg over his head. It always made her laugh.”

Floofereens

Floofereens (floofinition) – the damage and wreckage left by the activities of one or more housepets.

In use: “Housepets’ flooferreens can be immense, she knew, having experienced a Lab that reduced her sofa cushions to confetti, and cats that had obliterated house plants, Christmas trees, curtains, and toilet paper.”

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