Science fiction, fantasy, mystery and what-not
Unifloofal (floofinition) – the presence of housepets occurring everywhere; a term that encompasses every housepet.
In use: “Pets are unifloofal in some neighborhoods, with a cat or dog visible in a yard or window, with unknown others such as birds and fish out of sight in the house.”
Floofsical (floofinition) – a housepet’s unusual behavior or appearance, especially in an appealing and amusing way; a play or movie strongly featuring housepets in central roles.
In use: “Homeward Bound: the Incredible Journey is a well-known 1993 floofsical that featured a cat and two dogs in a remake of the 1963 movie.”
Floofare (floofinition) – a short and showy blast of trumpets, often imaginary, that accompanies a housepet’s entrance; a housepet’s showy outward display.
In use: “Whenever the door opened and his name was called, the puppy galloped in, and around the room, putting on such a display that all could hear the floofare announcing his entrance.”
Inflooftory (floofinition) – process for to account for or count pets and other animals.
In use: “An inflooftory was conducted each evening to ensure all the animals were safe and fed. Fortunately all held to habits that shortened the time and effort to locate the dogs, cats, birds, reptiles, and the goat.”
Panfloofism (floofinition) – the belief that housepets have consciousiness, intelligence, and rights equal to humans.
In use: “Her panfloofism kept her from marrying for several years because she simply couldn’t tolerate anyone who thought of cats, dogs, and other animals as dumb beasts.”
Floof-toll (floofinition) – a tax or fee paid to housepets for some liberty or privilege; compensation paid by housepets for services such as feeding, treats, and fresh water.”
In use: “The rescue was his first dog but he soon realized that floof-tolls were attached to everything. Whenever he stood still or sat, the dog came, sat on his foot, and looked up at him in adoration. In return, the dog warned him whenever a pedestrian, car, or another animal approached the house. Both enjoyed the other, and the floof-tolls, such as a scratch around the ears or a treat, were tiny tokens for the shared joy.”
I’m one of those people who look into the hankie or tissue after I blow my nose.
Apparently, this offends or horrifies some people. The very idea of blowing their nose seems terrible, terrible, to them.
I’m surprised. That stuff coming out of my nose offers clues about what’s going on inside my body. As often as my body frustrates me with its secrets, I need to do everything I can to find clues about what it’s up to.
It’s the same thing about having a bowel movement and checking out what’s in the can afterward, but I won’t go there. I can already imagine the horror spreading across the net. Then there’s menstruation, which I’m sure has many crying, “Enough!” I don’t menstruate but I’ve learned from my wife that menstruating can offer a lot of clues to what’s going on inside.
Admittedly, I had a hard time considering it when she was menstruating. Yes, it was blood, and that was part of it, and it’s coming out of her was another part of it, and from that body part contributed to my initial discomfort and revulsion. Then I started thinking, why did I react like that?
We really need to re-think how we socialize ourselves about our bodies and its processes. Some steps have been made. Everybody Poops has been out for years. Period. End of Sentence., a film about menstruation, won an Oscar this year. So, yes, progress is evident, but we’ve got a long way to go.
Next: “Let’s Talk About Farting”
Transfloofdental (floofinition) – the ability to ignore what’s going on or what will happen with your housepets and get things done.
In use: “The cats and dogs were all sleeping, but she had no choice. Determined to be transfloofdental, she turned on the vacuum and began hoovering.”
Yardfloof (floofinition) – a pet who prefers to stay in the yard outside.
In use: “Although it was cold and snowy, Emmie remained outside, refusing invitations to come into the warm house. A dedicated yardfloof, the little tortie forced Gemma to construct a stouter home to keep her warm and safe during the blizzards.”
Pent up by a winter storm, my cats conferred and emerged from their confab with new demands. Each demands that they get at least fifteen hours per day of personalized care and attention. Said personalized care and attention requires me to pet, scratch, caress, play, and feed each one (or allow them to sleep on my lap) for a total of at least fifteen hours per day. They’re calling this the fifteen-hour minimum initiative.
I pointed out to them that the day has only twenty-four hours, that I have other things to do, and there is no way that I can give each one fifteen hours of attention.
They reacted with sad head shakes. Boo, the spokes-cat, said, “Anything is possible, if you set your mind to it.”
They’re boycotting me until I come around, or feeding time, whichever comes first.
Michael Seidel, writer 