Prefloofeve

Prefloofeve (floofinition) – personal holiday many people celebrate on the night before they’re getting a new housepet.

In use: “She couldn’t sleep on prefloofeve, too excited about the impending trip to the shelter tomorrow to find the right pet and bring them home.”

Flooflorn

Flooflorn (floofinition) – bereft of housepet(s); experiencing unrequited love with a housepet.

In use: “She decided that instead of staying flooflorn, she would foster cats and dogs, and kittens and puppies, and outfitted a room for that purpose.”

Wednesday’s Theme Music

I’ve apparently upset my mind. I don’t know if I hurt its feelings or it’s angry at me, but it’s definitely upset. To get even, it’s playing games with me, looping a song in my stream. I have nothing against the song except that it’s not my cuppa. Harkening from 1971, it’s just a little too pop and saccharine for me.

So I have to put it out there, foist it onto the ROW, where it’ll find somebody else’s stream and vacate mine.

Please enjoy “Go Away, Little Girl” by Donny Osmond. Please. You’ll be doing me a yuuuge favor.

 

Floof Lane

Floof Lane (floofinition) – the path formed or blocked by resting housepets.

In use: “Weaving around the cats and dog blocking his path between his office and the kitchen — because the animals do not move except to look at you, oh, no, you must go around them or step over them — he couldn’t resist singing, “Life in the floof lane, guaranteed to trip you up, life in the floof lane, uh huh.”

Meet the Beatles

With snow blinding me and an icy wind using a scalpel on my face, I thought I’d made a stupid fucking mistake. Lowering my head as far as I could behind the windscreen, I kept on the throttle, hoping that I wasn’t passing the trio or that I’d run ’em over. I should’ve been on them by now. I’d seen them on the cameras at the two hundred yard marker. They were almost stopped then. Since, the snow’d come on proper. No way they’d gotten closer to the house, I was sure.

I wasn’t completely stupid, though. I’d tied a rope to the garage ‘fore I left it and another to the buggy’s rear bumper. Even if I didn’t find the three, I’d been able to get myself back to the house. This had gone past being a rescue thing, acquiring an aura of a personal goal because I was remembering the time I’d failed. I wasn’t failing again. I hadn’t fought to live and survive just to fail helpin’ others. No.

Almost running into the pole I’d planted years before as a marker helped orient me. I’d deviated from a straight line by ’bout forty feet. Turning right, I squinted against the swollen battering flurries and drove into the wind, cursing myself, the weather, the people, my humanity, and my stupidity. Then, like a chance as I was passing ’em, a blue garment flashed at me on my right.

Jesus, I was passing them. Dropping off the gas, I swerved right and swamped the buggy in a snowdrift. Righting it with a combo body-lean, wheel turn, and burst of throttle, I twisted right. The blue loomed up. I aimed right for it. As I did, I saw obscured shadows that had to be the other two.

On their knees, the blue-clad figure was waving their arms at me. Wind tortured hair around an exposed white face. A mouth yawed open below dark, hopeless eyes.

I pulled the buggy in amongst them. Between me and blue, we wrangled the other two onto the buggy’s back. One of them was such dead weight, I was leaning ninety degrees toward the certainty that they’d died. I didn’t wanna drag a dead person home, but since I didn’t know indisputably, my course was set.

With them in the buggy’s shallow bed, and blue on the buggy’s passenger side of the sole bench seat, I grabbed the rope up and hit the gas for home. It was damn slow going, as I had to keep pullin’ the rope in and adjusting my course. My speed had to be kept down lest the buggy’s bumpy ride tossed the three rescuees out.

Dusk was grabbing the land and I was frozen exhausted by the time the rope led me home. Back into the garage, I pulled the door to and closed it up, just about shutting out the cold and the shrieking wind. Blue became livelier then, gushing tearful thanks at me. The other two were in greens, grays, and blacks, pants, sweatshirts, coats, hats, and scarves, anything, I guess, to be warm and protected. Still, it seemed like scarce stuff to be wearing in that shit outside. I wondered where the hell they’d come from, why’d they’d been out there, and why’d they’d been coming my way. With blue’s help, we got the other two out of the garage and into the house.

Gasping, sniffing back snot, wiping her nose, and pushing her dirty blond hair back, blue introduced herself as Lauren. Her friends were Gwen and Shalla. Shalla proved to be the unconscious one that I thought might’ve been dead. All looked like they’d missed soap and food.

“I’m Bill,” I told ’em, not my real name, but part of the wild Bill persona I’d created for myself. Don’t know why I used it instead of my real name but it felt right. The animals had come in to see what was going on, so I thought I’d introduce them, too. “Meet the Beatles. The shy cat hanging back is Ringo, and the darker tabby is George. Their mom is the bigger tabby, Paula. The husky is John.”

“The Beatles,” Gwen said with a wan, teary smile. Dark banks shuttering her face, her head dropped forward. As she fully slumped onto the floor, Lauren did the same, like the heat was melting ’em down after being out in the cold. In seconds they seemed as unconscious as Shalla.

The animals went about sniffing the comatose new arrivals as I gaped, grappling with what I’d need to do. They were the first people I’d seen in three years, the first women I’d seen in almost four. Though I didn’t really enjoy the prospect, I had to get ’em out of those cold, wet clothes, and into the bed by the fire. Once I’d done all that, I’d have to mark my calendar, cause it was an auspicious day, the day that three female survivors met the Beatles.

I just knew it was going to change my world.

Floofpera

Floofpera (floofinition) – a dramatic work in one or more acts featuring housepets, sometimes written by humans, but often improvised by pets.

In use: “A single barking voice interrupted Miguel’s sleep. The solo was soon a furious duet. Wondering what’d energized his mutts, he rolled out of bed and staggered down the hall to check the floofpera. It was usually the big squirrel or the neighbor’s big tuxedo cat, but sometimes it was people.”

Mixed Bag

I’m free of my lodger, the Foley catheter that’s lived in my urethra and bladder the last thirteen days. Its removal was a relief. Sadly, though, I also had to say good-bye to Sloshy.

Sloshy was the nickname bestowed upon my leg urine collection bag. I wore that bag sixteen hours a day while the Foley was in me. During that time, Sloshy and I grew very attached. I found him to be a warm but shy personality. He rarely intruded on me except to slosh sometimes. He never said anything bad about anyone or anything, and never leaked, dribbled, or squirted. I don’t know if you can give a urine collection bag any greater praise than that.

I felt Sloshy’s sloshing was his way of chuckling. He had a great sense of humor and was often amused by how I drained him or swapped him with the night bag. I think it says a lot about him that the cats were interested in him, attempting to smell him and rub against him. Sloshy was for getting closer to them, but I kept them away. Of a voracious curiosity, he wanted to see more of the world than just the inside of my garments. I tried accommodating his dream by discreetly raising my pant leg when I was out in public so that he may have a look around.

He knew his time had come. Before we separated today, I spent a little private time with him, and then introduced him to the staff that were there to take him away. All agreed that he was the finest urine collection bag that they’d ever met, and also the first to have a name.

My most fervent hope for anyone else that ever has a bag on their leg is that it’s as fine a bag as Sloshy. A person could do worse.

***

Editing Note: I really did name my bag Sloshy and told the medical staff about it. They went along with it, making an entry in my records that my bag was named Sloshy. And, they did agree, they’d never heard a bag be given a name before. Well, there always needs to be first, right? I’m just sorry that I never took a selfie with Sloshy to share.

Floofmagem

Floofmagem (floofinition) – a showy housepet, often with very fluffy, shiny fur, and not infrequently further decorated by bows or ribbons.

In use: “A true floofmagem, the long-haired amber cat with a black face and jade eyes sported flowing, long fur so evenly distributed that it could have been styled. A sparking collar that matched her eyes peeked out from the fur. What really sold her floofmagem image was her languid pose. Eyes partially closed, she looked like a graceful ruler at rest.”

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