Obfloofiate (floofinition) – to anticipate or prevent and eliminate a housepet’s plans.
In use: “Knowing that as soon as she left that a housepet would be on her food, she obfloofiated their intentions by putting her sandwich into the refrigerator
Floofal Vortex
Floofal Vortex (floofinition) – a large mass of housepets sleeping or lounging together.
In use: “The large Great Dane sprawled across the sofa. Sleeping in winter sunshine under the window, he soon became part of a floofal vortex as the foster kittens and Corgis slumbered on top of or alongside him.”
Floofturn
Floofturn (floofinition) – a housepet quick turn in which the animal doubles back in one or two steps.
In use: “Pogo was heading for the pet door, but when Sandra opened the refrigerator, Pogo executed a floofturn and jogged to the kitchen.”
Mr Gander
Mr Gander rolled into the noisy sports bar, grunting and waving at others while signalling for a PBR. As Gander’s ample weight found a stool, Tilly observed that Gander seemed down.
“The wife.” Gander pointed his eyes at the TV and sampled his beer’s head.
“What ’bout ‘er?”
“Nothin’. I have little complaints ’bout ‘er. They’re so small, you could say they’re shards of complaints.”
“You ever tell ‘er ’bout ’em? Maybe that’d help.”
“Naw, man. If I tell ‘er my complaints ’bout ‘er, she’ll tell me her complaints ’bout me.” Gander sipped his beer. “Who wants to hear that crap?”
Floofhold
Floofhold (floofinition) –
1. A tenuous grasp on a housepet.
2. A housepet’s tenous grip on an object.
3. Delaying an event or an activity due to a housepet’s situation or location.
In use: “He wanted to vacuum the house, but, not wanting to disturb the sleeping cats and dogs, was forced into a floofhold.”
Monday’s Bumper Sticker
I didn’t see this as a bumper sticker. I saw it on the “Pickles” comic strip and thought it would be an excellent bumper sticker.
Fyck-floof
Fyck-floof (floofinition) – restless housepet(s)
In use: “The pets were locked in the house because of the severe cold, and were soon fyck-floof, cruisin’, stalkin’, explorin’, and pouncin’ to spill energy. Soon that agitated the others, and I had fyck-floof of all ages in every room.”
NIMS
NIMS (floofinition) – a rare floofinition that doesn’t include ‘floof’ as part of the word or phrase, NIMS is a shorthand reference that means ‘not in my space’, which is a housepet’s policy of not allowing another housepet in their personal area.
In use: “The small calico with the white neck and silky belly weighed under eight pounds but employed a strict NIMS philosophy, warning other pets with deep growls that were amazingly effective in prompting meek, hasty retreats.”
Flooftorial
Flooftorial (floofinition) – a period of instruction given by one housepet to an individual or very small group of housepets.
In use: “Although he was a large Golden Retriever, after he was introduced to the small black and white orphaned kitten, he began flooftorials, teaching the tiny creature how to eat, drink water, play and clean himself, while comforting him and keeping him warm.”
Feeling Dumb
I received a Costco paper thingy in the mail yesterday, one of those things with thin but glossy pages stapled together that show, “Here’s what you can buy!”
I leafed through the leafs because I’m always looking for things to buy, when what do you think caught my eye?
Yes, that’s right, a smart toilet.
Offered by Ove, the description was pithy. They mentioned that it had memory and a remote control. I thought, WTH? Why would your toilet remember you? Does it say, this guy again, and turn on some air freshener? Or is it a matter of adjusting the toilet height and angle to suit your body for the best experience evacuating bowels? And what the heck was the remote control for?
These questions pushed me to search the net for answers. I found a promotional video so that I can share all of those things with you.
The smart toilet disappointed me in the end. While it was impressive on the surface and intrigued me about what it could do, I thought, what about a phone app for it, and voice control? Does it not interface with Siri or Alexa? I don’t know why you’d want to do any of that, but then, I’m not really sold on a remote control for my toilet.
Of course, I shouldn’t be surprised that the smart toilet has arrived. Smart dildos, smart thermostats, smart phones, and smart toothbrushes have been around for some time. Other smart inventions are arriving every day, like smart sex dolls and smart showers. Naturally, with all this smart stuff, concerns are raised about your smarts being hacked, resulting in unexpected problems. Besides someone else taking control of it, these smart devices are calling back home, reporting on what you’re doing.
It’s another reason to not get a smart appliance. Sooner or later, they’re gonna turn on you.
Michael Seidel, writer 