Science fiction, fantasy, mystery and what-not
Floofxedo (floofinition) – a housepet that looks like it’s wearing a tuxedo; housepet clothing ensemble that looks like a tuxedo.
In use: “The matching black and white dog and cat seemed to be wearing floofxedos. That would have been interesting by itself, but the house’s decor was black and white, with chrome highlights, and she was wearing a black and white ensemble with silver jewelry. It was over-the-top and unnerving.”
Floofdux (floofinition) – when a housepet does something, and then does it again; when a human does something for a housepet more than one time.
In use: “Trained to respond to treats, she demonstrated her cat and dog’s synchronized standing-on-their-hind-paws routine, treating us to a floofdux when others arrived.”
Archfloofocese (floofinition) – the district for which an archfloofshop is responsible.
In use: “The pets established areas, an archfloofocese, if you will, where they liked to hang. In each archfloofocese, one pet ruled and kept order – a cat in the master bedroom, a dog on the patio, and the noisy bird in the living room.”
I keep wondering when my regular coffee haunt is going to start serving CBD-infused coffee? I mean, Carl’s Jr is serving a CBD cheeseburger.
What’s taking so long?
Flooftastic (floofinition) – extraordinary or amazing housepet; an activity done by a housepet that’s extraordinary or amazing; an imaginative or fanciful activity done by or for a housepet.
In use: “Emily preferred living outside on the patio even though the temperatures were dropping into the high teens and heavy snow often fell. To protect the cali kitty and give her warmth, comfort and protection, Jill devised a flooftastic, insulated, two-story heated condo with lights, food and water. She put a camera in it with a microphone so she could check on her feline friend whenever desired.”
His turn, at last, just when he was about to explode from impatience. That woman ahead of him had taken, like, six minutes.
As soon as she walked away, he strode up. Spreading his fingers, he put his palm to the ATM’s cold, dark screen. A pulse rose through his fingers. Blue light limned his hand. Sharp tingling nibbled at his skin, and the hair everywhere on his body stood on end.
He tapped his foot, waiting for results. Like thirty seconds later, the ATM began printing sounds. More seconds passed. His hair flattened and then the pulsing faded, the light dimmed and disappeared, and the tingling ended. As he removed his hand, a slip of paper scrolled out. Finally.
Taking the paper with, he perused the print out. “You done?” the next person in line said.
Nodding with a grunt, he walked away, perusing his print out as he did. The bottom line was what he first went to read. It said, “Warning: your karma points have reached the minimum balance. Be careful what you do.”
A car horn blew. Looking up and around, he found the offending driver and gave them the finger. As soon as he realized what he’d done, he grimaced. Crumbling the paper up, he shoved it into his pocket and started walking fast. Of course his karma points were low. How the fuck were you supposed to get points in a world like this?
Getting into his car, he started it with a burst of smoky revs, shoved it into reverse, and punched the gas. His rear tires grabbed traction with a chirp. “Hey,” an old man shouted behind him. “Watch it.” Selecting drive, he scattered pedestrians as the car jumped forward. Cutting off another car, he started speeding down the street.
“Minimum balance,” he said, selecting another radio station and turning up the volume. “Fuck that noise.”
Lighting a cigarette, he went on down the road, speeding past a girl in the crosswalk. Minimum balance, right. How was he ever supposed to get karma points when the world was set against him?
As his father always said, there’s just no sense in trying.
Adflooficate (floofinition) – to make an official decision about who is right in a dispute between two or more housepets.
In use: “The household’s sole feline, a small, older female, was involved in almost every dispute that he had to adflooficate. Disputes usually involved food, toys, or a warm place to sleep. No matter what he decided, it seemed like the cat always won. Whether the dispute was between the human and the cat over a chair or between the dogs and the cat over the bed, she always seemed to win.”
You ever get sucked into listening to another group’s conversation – people that you don’t know, in a public place – and then they lean in and drop their voices, making it difficult to hear them? Doesn’t that just chap your nose? It chaps my nose because it puts me in a bind. I’m invested in their subject. I want to hear what’s going on. Asking them to speak up usually doesn’t work, and moving closer to them often interrupts the discussion.
Thank the flying spaghetti monster for the technology that lets me listen from a distance. Yes, I mean, bugs. You can just point and hear. Relatively inexpensive, they’re easily found on Amazon, are now so discreet that nobody ever notices.
The things I’m forced to do to satisfy my curiosity.
Floofspot (floofinition) – 1. place on human bodies that pets like to rub. Floofologists theorize that many cats and dogs believe that rubbing a specific spot on a human will grant them complete control over the human’s activities, a practice first documented in ancient Flooflandia. 2. place on pets that humans like to rub because their pets seem to like it. 3. Specific location known as habitual sleeping, ambush, or lurking locations used by housepets.
In use: “As soon as he walked into view, the cats raced to his legs, rubbing against his calves, knees, and ankles in search of his floofspot, as their mother had taught them.”
Flooflandia (floofinition) – ancient continent where animals ruled and lived in harmony. Floofologists disagree as to whether Flooflandia is mythological or was real. Recent theories hold that Flooflandia exists but requires quantum powers and knowledge that only animals possess to reach it.
In use: “They say that in Flooflandia, no animal is an orphan, for another animal will find it and take care of it as its mother.”
Michael Seidel, writer 