Tag: humor

The Pace

He rounded a corner and turned to head up a hill. A woman, perhaps in her early twenties, was also going up the hill.

His energy had been lagging and the hill was steep, so he decided that he would push himself and stride up that hill.

He began the walk. Within seconds, he realized that the young woman was right behind him.

Well, that wouldn’t do. Pressing his lips together, he pressed into a fast stride and higher speed. After a dozen feet, he peeked back out of the corner of his eye.

He almost broke stride. She was still there. Damn it. Sucking energy out of his reserves, he walked as fast as he could up the long, steep hill.

Reaching the top was a crosswalk with traffic light. He stopped to wait for the light to change. She caught up with him. “Wow, that was some pace you had coming up the hill. I thought that I’d use you to pace myself, but I couldn’t keep up.”

He nodded. “I was trying to get away from you. I was pretending that a beautiful young woman was stalking me because she wanted my body, and I had to escape.”

Her eyes widened. Her mouth clamped shut.

He grinned. “Don’t worry, it’s just a silly fantasy to push me to walk faster. Of course it’s not true.” Stepping closer to her, he said, “Right?”

The light changed. He strode away.

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Raspberry Woman

She didn’t wear a raspberry beret. Her capris were black, and her chill shirt was raspberry, with matching raspberry shoes and sunglasses, and short, raspberry and silver.

Seeing her, he gasped. Raspberry woman. He wondered what her secret powers were.

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Stimflooflus

Stimflooflus (floofinition) – 1. Something done by a pet or animal that rouses or incites to activity, such as howls, growls, yowls, meows, and barks, or running. 2. Activity, sound, or command that rouses or incites an animal’s actions.

In use: “A howl was followed by frantic barking, stimflooflus to her getting out of bed, because Lennon was warning her, someone is coming to the door.”

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Floof Message

Floof Message (floofinition) – texts or emails whose subject center around housepets.

In use: “When she was away, her Mom would line up Cricket and Ellie, take a photo of them, and floof message her daughter the photo with a humorous caption, usually about the dogs wanting Rachel’s return so they could be properly fed.”

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Telefloofic

Telefloofic (floofinition) – a pet with an appearance and manner that are markedly attractive to television viewers.

In use: “Tardar Sauce, nicknamed Grumpy Cat, was a telefloofic animal who always seemed to be disapproving of the world.”

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Floofup

Floofup (alternative spelling: floof-up) (floofinition) – 1. A mistake or error made by a housepet. 2. A human error or mistake caused by a housepet’s activity.

In use: “She swung the front door closed and hurried away, eager to open her package. In an instant, she realized that she didn’t hear a click from the door. As she turned back,  the dog shouldered the door open and darted out. Shouting his name, she took off after him even as the floofup’s magnitude began growing in her mind.”

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FloofAnon

FloofAnon (floofinition) – anonymous secret organization whose members believe that housepets are either secret government spies tracking their movement, aliens who have arrived to take over Earth, or that pets are part of a liberal plot to destroy their lives by distracting them from reality. Such members also often believe that animals should have no rights because they’re dumb and lack emotions.

In use: “Per the information she read at FloofAnon, she constantly watched the house across the street through monitors connected to cameras (bought at Costco, just five hundred dollars for eight outdoor cameras, what a buy!), noting the comings and goings of the cats and dogs, and logging them on her blog, Floofwatch.”

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