Flooftective (floofinition) – 1. An animal who enjoys investigating things and resolving mysteries. Origins: first noted in Europe in 1732.
In Use: “Tobias the cat and Josh the dog were both flooftectives, so any household activity drew the pair in to determine what was going on, whether any food was involved, and how they might benefit.
Recent Use: “Monica the dog became an Internet hero when she used her flooftective skills to find a hapless kitten and then encourage the poor flooflet to follow her home.
Monica the flooftective
2. Actions taken to keep or make animals safe. Origins: Public use was originally found in newspaper articles circa 1849.
In Use: “Learning of a cougar prowling the neighborhood, people took the flooftective measures of bringing in their pets and closing pet doors.”
Recent Use: “A newer development to add flooftective elements to a house is catios, often made by adding small cages or kennels to a patio which cats can access directly from the house.”
3. A person who undertakes solving a mystery which involves an animal. Origins: first use was in the early twenty-first century on the world wide web.
In Use: “Determining how dinosaurs died when fossils are found often require people to be flooftectives and examine the evidence for clues.”
Recent Use: “Coming home to find much of the house destroyed, Connie became a flooftective to learn which of the cats and dogs had turned over the plants, tore up pillows, and spread toilet paper in the bathroom and down the hall. All suspects presented innocent visages, so the task was challenging until some paw prints were found.”
Man, are we saps at my house. What else can we be called?
A central vac system is built into our place. Using three hose outets and one thirty-foot hose, we can plug that dude in and quietly vacuum. Yeah, it’s quiet in the house, but in the garage where the motor unit and canister are mounted on a wall, it’s a fiercely loud noise.
Anyway, it has it pros and cons. Last week, we got it out and vacuumed. The hose ended up haphazardly coiled in the dining room by the table. When I went to put it away, I found one of our floofs, Tucker, blissfully asleep in the coils, his head resting on one. Oh, let him sleep, I told myself, smiling at the sight. I can put it away later, or tomorrow. It’s called profloofstination.
Tomorrow became two days, then three. Every time I thought, let me go put the hose away, I found Tucker asleep in it.
I never said anything to my wife about it but on day five, she said, “I want to put that hose away, but everytime I go to do it, Tucker is asleep there, and he just looks so sweet and relaxed, I don’t want to disturb him.
It’s now day seven. The hose and cat remain. I reiterate: man, are we saps.
Thursday, December 28, 2023. Winter remains encamped outside our door, but it’s a skeleton force. Sunshine floods the valley’s narrow eastern edge. Clouds flattened out in thick swatches of blues, grays, and white. We mostly endure some low temperature nights, fog, and rain. Still no snow on the valley floor and little snow on our light brown mountains. The southern firs and pines are spring green. Right now, we’re cresting 49 F on our way to a 54 F high.
2023 is trickling to an end after a reign that’s lasted almost a year. Many are wondering, will 2023 allow a peaceful and traditional year-to-year transfer? Talking heads and keyboard scholars are all talking about what’ll happen if 2023 doesn’t let go of the reins and decides that it’ll remain 2023 and deny 2024 its place. Can there still be an election next year if it’s still 2023, for example? How will the economy be tracked and what will this do to historic records, awards shows, the NFL championship, and other important matters, including copyright dates?
Likewise, we — that’s me and the lint in my pocket — worry about the 2024 POTUS election. What if President Biden loses and decides not to relinquish the office? His decisions might be guided by what’s happening in the courts now with former POTUS Trump. If the judicial branch decides the former POTUS can’t be tried for offenses done while in office even if it has nothing to do with his duties, even if they are illegal, then a new precedent is born for Joe Biden to use to remain in office and contest the results. This will result in Republican claims contrary to their previous claims, because that’s business as usual: one set of standards for others, another for themselves.
Speaking of double standards, what’s going on with that Republican couple in Florida, Christian and Bridget Ziegler? You know them, pushers of moral values, all in for one man-one woman traditional marriages, solid proponents for banning books that contradict their sensibilities, and a strong set against lesbians and homosexuals, except for their own sex life when they enjoy a little female on female action, which they taped. But that’s private, right? Except he’s been accused of rape, and that’s criminal, right?
Since my mind is in Florida, did you see that their high school SAT scores fell again? They’re now ranked 46th in the nation. Sadly, ACT and SAT scores continue on a downward spiral across the nation. I wonder if that’s related to red state (and county) legislatures limiting what children can be taught and read? Just spitballing, ya know?
In the morning mental music stream (Trademark corny), The Neurons have the Indigo Girls singing “Galileo” from 1992. See, I was making the bed and thinking about getting things right, or somewhere in the area code of right. This wasn’t about the bed and was only obliquely about me. No, the mental catalyst was the ongoing relationship problems I watch playing out in a family. The daughters are my age and the matriarch I think is twenty to twenty-five years older. That’d put her in late 80s, early 90s. Yet, they’re experiencing the same relationship merry-go-round they were on twenty years ago. The natural question arrived on my brain’s doorstep, will they ever get it right? The connection to “Galileo” comes from the song’s line, “How long till my soul gets it right?”
Stay positive and be strong, test negative, but lean forward. Easy, right? Coffee helps lube the way for my attempts. Here we go with the video. Cheers
Viafloofor(floofinition) – An animal, especially pet, who enjoys traveling or walking around by themselves. Origins: ancient Rome
In Use: “Charlie, a chunky ginger boi, was a regular viafloofor, walking the sidewalks and visiting homes and businesses as though he followed a schedule, which was useful for being served pets and treats.”
In Use: “Bear was never much of a viafloofor, preferring his bed or a comfortable warm spot of sun-kissed lawn in the backyard, to walking around, unless it was to greet his people or make an acquaintance with something to eat.”
Recent Use: “OMwazeng on YouTube has a video of a cat named Dodger, a viafloofor who takes the bus every day.”
Got a question for y’all: what is this ‘X’ thing I keep seeing? Anyone know?
Also, whatever happened to ‘Twitter’?
Yes, some holiday snark because everyone in the media keeps adding, “X, formerly Twitter.” Like we haven’t gotten it by now. I guess they’re still trying to cope with the change and put it up to remind themselves.
And yes, I did post about X and Twitter before in a similar vein. And no, I’m not obsessed with it. Not officially. Not yet.
Floogi(floofinition) – An especially mystical or reflective animal. Origins: Floofskrit. First known use, 1613.
In Use: “Sienna had owned many cats and dogs, and often thought most of the cats had mystical qualities, but Samuel Jackson was the first dog she had who seemed like a floogi.”
In Use: “Jade often set up in a serene and watchful pose, her emerald eyes partially closed, a floogi contemplating existence.”
Recent Use: “Felines’ propensity to often seem like floogis has given rise on the net to posts with cats looking serene while saying something counter to the moment, such as, ‘I may look sweet but forget to feed me on time and my mittens of death will tear you a new one.'”
I’m looking forward to December 24, 2036, and the date’s symmetry: 12/24/36. I’ll only be 80 then. Hope I have enough mind to enjoy that symmetry. It’s like one, two, three.
Floofspeak(floofinition) – An implanted device used by animals to speak to other species. Origins: first suspected by humans during witch trails in the American Colonies in the 1700s.
In Use: “Although ‘implanted’ is the term used, many floofocologists now believe that floofspeak is either a quantum matter or magic, as no implanted devices have ever been found.”
In Use: “Animals often sit mutely staring at humans as they attempt to use floofspeak to converse, but then will leave in exasperation, or resort to coarse noises to speak with the humans.”
Recent Use: “An Irish floofocologist, Kitty McAleer, claimed to have found significant revelations about floofspeak in a set of recovered documents collectively known as the The Floofy Codices. Although stored in a secure place, the documents disappeared before they could be made public, including digital photographs which were initially made. Ms McAleer cites the document’s disappearance as clear evidence of “animals’ unique, even supernatural skills to access places”, and believes her house pet, a Tom named Phelan, provided inside intelligence which aided the thieves.”
Floofpertoire(floofinition) – 1. A stock of moves, looks, sounds, or behavior that an animal knows or uses to control, coerce, or manipulate humans. Origins: Late Latin
In Use: “Many animals seem to develop a floofpertoire for how to get humans to cozy up to them, feed them treats, and keep them safe, and it seems like it might just be a gift shared through some great floofscious in the sky.”
Recent Use: “As with many human endeavors, more discussion has recently arisen about whether animals and their floofpertoire is a matter more of nurture or nature.”
2. Behavior, tricks, and sounds employed by humans to train, control, coerce, or manipulate animals.
In Use: “People in different countries learn how to talk to animals in their own language, but there does seem to be a universal floofpertoire for successfully domesticating animals.”
Recent Use: “Facebook, Reddit, and YouTube are all exploding with new tricks to add to your floofpertoire to gain animals’ trust, bring them back home, or to get them safe, happy, healthy, and entertained.”
FAC: Floof Action Committee (floofinition) –1. A consortium of animals joining together to achieve change or direct policy.
In Use: “The household pets knew where the treats were stored and egged on by the dog, formed a FAC to get to them. The cat was most instrumental, jumping onto the kitchen counter and then to the refrigerator’s top to knock the packets to the floor, but the dogs were the ones who tore them open for all to enjoy.”
Recent Use: “On a cold winter night, a dog found a small niche of shelter where she could stay warm. Soon another dog, and then a cat joined him, sharing their warmth and shelter, and creating a de facto survival FAC.”
2. A group of humans dedicated to helping and, or, saving animals, and ensuring their health and welfare are attended to.
In Use: “Many communities have volunteers which form a FAC to reduce the feral populations with spay-neuter-release programs, and have parallel programs to find the young and have them fostered, domesticated, and adopted.
Recent Use: “With wars and military actions reducing places to terrifying scenes of burned-out rubble, global FACs have formed to find and save the innocent animals, giving them food and medical treatment, and shipping them out to safe places as needed and able.”
Michael Seidel, writer 