Category: humor

Catdow

Catdow (Catfinition): A terrible affliction that causes humans to lose track of time and forget what they were doing while in the presence of felines. The term, coined by Professor Felinus by combing the words, “cat” and “shadow” and dropping the first syllable of the latter, was created to explain what happens to people when cats are around.

“It’s like cats cast a shadow,” Professor Felinus said in a Cat Mystery interview in nineteen ninety-seven. “People caught in a cat shadow, or catdow, forget what they’re doing and focus on what the cat is doing, or what the cat might need. The effect is amplified by the number of cats, or if the cats look directly at the people, and the people see them. Worse, of course, is if the cats are kittens. People have been lost in the catdow for hours when kittens are encountered.”

0

Mom’s Dislikes

Since we’re coming up on Father’s Day, I’m thinking about the things that used to anger Mom that amuses me now. It’s a short list, but each of these earned a sharp word, snapped fingers, threats, or warnings, all delivered with “the evil eye.”

Mom’s threats were usually about giving us away, sending us to an orphanage, or putting her in the nut house. We weren’t a very P.C. household in the fifties and sixties.

Here’s the list:

  • Fighting, arguing, swearing and talking back. Her idea of talking back and our idea didn’t always align. We would protest, “What was I doing?” That is talking back. Don’t do it.
  • You’d better come when called…or else.
  • Cracking your gum, blowing bubbles with your gum, or clicking you spoon against your teeth.
  • No slurping! Do not slurp your soup or your cereal. Don’t you dare suck up the final fluids of a soda or milkshake through a straw, either.
  • Don’t sneeze too many times, definitely a peculiar irritation. You can see that Mom had a thing about noises. More than three sneezes would irritate her. Sneezing too loud would also annoy her. All that exasperated us. How are we supposed to control the number of times we sneeze, or how loudly?
  • Eat all your food. That was rarely a problem for me but one sister had issues. Food items couldn’t be touching one another. That just sickened her. But Mom would order her to eat her food; she would refuse, and would sit in the darkening room, refusing to eat, until Mom relented and took her plate away. That was a battle of wills.

A short list, and nothing too terrible. As children, we’d forget, and absently do these things until Mom voiced her irritation. As adults, we find it funny, and laugh about it. We’re also aware of these matters that irk Mom. If someone starts sneezing and goes more than three times — or loudly — in Mom’s presence, one of us is certain to say, “Here we go.”

What about you? Anything that your Mom did that amuses you in memory?

0

Floolze

Floolze (1) (Definition): the snoring and/or breathing sound a sleep cat makes.

In Use: “Tucker’s floolze sounds like the house is breathing.”

Floolze (2) (slang): A cat taking a nap.

In use: “Looking for Papi, Michael found the little ginger floolze in a ball in the closet corner.”

0

Floofhound

Floofhound (1) (Definition): A cat who thinks it’s a dog.

Floofhound (2) (Definition): A dog who acts like a cat.

Floofhound (3) (Definition): A loyal cat who follows you everywhere.

Floofhound (4) (Definition): A person who really, really, really enjoys the company, images, and stories about cats.

7

Looky-floof

Looky-floof (floofinition): a housepet who likes to follow people and spy on them.

In Use: “Papi is a classic looky-floof, following us around the house, close at hand to observe whatever we’re doing – washing, dressing, eating, reading, it doesn’t matter.”

2

Electric Cars

Those hybrids and electric cars are really quiet. You don’t even hear them pull into the driveway.

No wonder IP camera sales are up. People want a warning that others have arrived and visitors are imminent.

0

The Geezer Discount

My buddy, Dr. Frank Lang, turned eighty years old this month. As an age, more are achieving it. Technically, he’s an octogenarian, but once upon a time, he started calling himself a geezer. This led to beer-fueled debates about what age one becomes a geezer. Is geezer a matter of years lived, or a state of mind, or maturity? Perhaps, it’s all these things. I’ve known some thirtysomethings who seem like Geezers.

In honor or Frank and our aging population, I believe we need to reconsider our restaurant discounts. Senior discounts vary on when they’re applied. Some are honored once fifty-five years old is achieved. I suspect that’s a ploy to increase their market share. Others pin their discounts to the age at which people can begin withdrawing social security, so it’s a sliding scale, with later generations forced to be older to enjoy a senior discount.

I think that’s wrong.

I call upon Congress to fix it. We’re a society that’s supposed to honor our elderly. A food and beverage discount is a great way of doing so. I think, though, with more people aging, we should have a Geezer discount alongside the Senior discount. If you reach sixty-five, you’re eligible for the Senior discount. Once you’ve celebrated your eightieth birthday, you should be authorized the Geezer discount. If the Senior discount is ten percent off, the Geezer discount should be fifteen percent off.

It just makes sense. For one thing, Geezers tend to consume less. Businesses can accommodate the Geezers and still protect their bottom line by providing them smaller portions. I know some businesses, like Bob Evans Restaurants, already do something like this for Seniors.

Of course, it would be unfair of us to not also extend a greater discount for those who reach one hundred years old. If you get that old and you’re out eating at a restaurant, you deserve a Centenarian discount. That would be a one hundred percent discount.

Yes, Centenarians would dine for free.

0

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑