Monday’s Bumper Sticker
Floofitiate
Floofitiate (floofinition) – to make ineffective by making it useful for a housepet.
In use: “It hadn’t been planned as such but changes to the room – which had been his daughter’s bedroom until she married – such as three cat trees, one litter box, and two large dog beds, floofitiated its purpose.”
Floofcropolis
Floofcropolis (floofinition) – a city or fortification primarily used by housepets.
In use: “After the great animal revolution sent humans into hiding, many abused housepets trekked to a southern floofcropolis where food was shared and the animals helped one another recover from the cruelty the humans had inflicted on them.”
Mindless
Seven in the morning. It’d had already slid into another shitty day when Don’s mind shrilly and loudly said, “I can’t take this fucking shit.”
That tone cut Don’s ear drums. As Don winced and clapped his hands over his ears, his mind stomped through his brain. “I’m fuckin’ outta here.”
Looking up, Don said, “No, wait,” beginning to stand as all this happened. His mind wrenched his brain’s door open.
Used to being closed, the door shrieked, “Hey, what the fuck? I was sleepin’, man.”
Stepping out, his mind slammed the door shut behind him, rattling Don’s empty head. The door said, “That’s fuckin’ better. Now keep it down. I need some zzzs.”
Just like that, Don’s mind was gone again.
Sitting, Don sighed. Sipping his soda, he picked up his phone with his little hands and opened Twitter. It was gonna be another mindless fucking day for him.
Inflooftrialised
Inflooftrialised (floofinition) – to introduce housepets on a large scale.
In use: “Younger families moved in. The sounds and actions of playing young children filled the streets. The neighborhood became inflooftrialised with cats, dogs, birds, rabbits, hamsters, and guinea pigs.”
The Comma
“I have to eat, Tucker,” he said as he hurried into the house and past the cat. “I’m ravenous.”
Whiskers drooping, Tucker grew still. His eyes widened. He lowered his tail.
The man glanced at his cat. “No, I didn’t say, “I have to eat Tucker.” Well, that’s what I said, but there was a comma in there. I was saying, “I have to eat, comma, Tucker.” There was a comma in there.”
He went to his cat and scratched the feline’s head. “You know about commas, right? Yes, you do. Good kitty.”
Tucker closed his eyes, reassured that he wasn’t going to be eaten. It was just an unheard comma.
Gigafloof
Gigafloof (floofinition) – a larger than normal housepet.
In use: “At six feet tall, Walter the Great Dane wasn’t nearly as big as Freddy the Great Dane who was the world’s largest dog, but Walter’s height definitely qualified him as a gigafloof.”
Flooftation
Flooftation (floofinition) – a quotation or reference about a housepet, such as a dog, cat, or fish.
In use: “A classic flooftation comes from Groucho Marx, who said, “Outside of a dog a book is man’s best friend because inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.””
Hairleaf
Hairleaf (catfinition) – hairball that resembles a leaf, or a leaf that could be mistaken for a hairball.
In use: “Seeing the object on the floor, he looked for signs of yakking and then pulled a tissue from the box, because one can’t be too careful with these matters. On further inspection, though, it wasn’t a hairball, but a hairleaf.”
Floofdial
Floofdial (floofinition) – refers to having a housepet. Postfloofdial refers to the period after pets leave the household, leaving the household without a pet, while prefloofdial refers to the time before a household ever acquires a pet.
In use: “With his beloved fur friend passed away, his home was no longer floofdial, but he wasn’t going to remain postfloofdial. He was certain fate would direct another fur friend his way, which is what he wanted. He didn’t think of his prefloofdial era with any fondness, for a home without a pet just wasn’t as warm and friendly.”
