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Distal Floof (floofinition) – in floofology, the housepet farthest away from where a human is seated is the distal floof, and the housepet that’s closest to hand is known as he proximal floof.
In use: “If Meg was alone, Callie was a distal floof and Jade was the proximal floof, but as soon as company appeared, Jade disappeared and Callie assumed the position of proximal floof.”
Floofbivalent (floofinition) – having or showing simultaneous and contradictory attitudes or feelings toward your pet(s).
In use: “Finding that whenever and wherever he sat, from commode and bed to living room, dining room, and office chairs, a cat or dog would immediately hunt for his lap, he was becoming floofbivalent about sharing his life with pets. But then they’d do something, and the floofbivalent would fade away.”
Exfloofmation (floofinition) – a sudden cry or remark, especially expressing surprise, anger, or pain, in connection that a pet has done; a sudden noise, expressing surprise, anger, or pain, made by a pet.
In use: “Seeing the vomit, he said, “Not again,” in exfloofmation, only to hear his dog release an exfloofmation in the other room that sounded like he was in pain.”
Aide-de-Floof (floofinition) – a person who assists housepets by giving them their medicine, feeding them, cleaning up after them, and playing with them.
In use: “His position as aide-de-floof sometimes required him to interrupt his sleep at four in the morning to let a cat into the house, or feed one of them, which, naturally, meant that they would all be fed.”
INGIT (sometimes spelled as INGIFT) (floofinition) – floof acronym that means “I’m not going in there,” or alternatively, “I’m not going in fuckin’ there.” INGIFT is often used to make a more strenuous point.
In use: “Seeing the bathtub of water, the dog barked, “INGIT!” Spinning away, he raced to the closet to hide.”
Floofoween (floofinition) – annual holiday when people dress up their pets and request tricks in exchange for treats. It often doesn’t go well.
In use: “Having dressed his black cat in a devil’s outfit for Floofoween, Teddy kept trying to coax the cat into doing tricks in exchange for treats, but he set the bag of treats down, and Sebastian the cat seized it with its teeth and dashed into another room and under the bed with his prize.”
Floofragette (floofinition) – housepet who campaigns for equal rights for the animals.*
In use: “A true floofragette, the beagle was forever campaigning for equal rights and treatments by aping the humans’ activities, like jumping into the bath with them, sleeping beside them on the bed, and sitting at a chair at the dinner table for meals. They became convinced that he thought he considered himself human, not realizing that he knew he was a dog, but saw no reason for him to be treated differently than them.”
Floofroy (floofinition) – a housepet that exercises authority over other housepets.
In use: “The little tabby was the smallest of the home’s five pets, but she was the floofroy, ruling with meow, hisses, growls, and swats. Everyone — including people — obeyed.”
Floofcipience (floofinition) – good understanding of things as seen or experienced by a housepet.
In use: “Through living with cats, dogs, birds, and ferrets since he was born, his floofcipience expanded, earning him nicknames like the cat whisperer and the dog wizard.”
Floofemy (floofinition) – a housepet who actively opposes or is hostile to another housepet or creature.
In use: “For reasons understood only by cats, after living together for three years, the three felines were staunch floofemies, hissing or growling whenever one came close, spying on each other, and staying several feet away from one another.”
Michael Seidel, writer 