Public Service Announcement

Hear ye, hear ye, attend all ye interested in this news.

Anal bleach is now available at Walmart.

I find this news amazing for two reasons: one, who wants to bleach their a-hole? How do you reach that point, when you wake up one morning and think, time to bleach my a-hole? I can’t ever imagining awakening to that morning.

Then, they probably think, well, where do I get a-hole bleach?

Mind, I don’t know if that’s what it’s called. I don’t know what you say when you’re in Walmart and can’t find the a-hole bleach. What do you ask an associate? “Excuse me, can you tell me where the a-hole bleach would be?” Or do they already have them up on the little signs that tell you what’s in the aisle?

My number two to all of this is, a-hole bleaching is now so mainstream that Walmart is selling it.

Of course, I remember the ruckus raised when women modeled brassieres in the Sears catalog. It made the news!

A-hole bleach at Walmart didn’t make the news. Guess it wasn’t newsworthy. My wife read about it on some post. She shares my shock that people are bleaching their a-holes and the stuff to do it is sold at Walmart’s. It’s all about our age, culture, mores, and norms. Somehow, we just don’t think a-hole bleaching is going to turn out to be a good thing, but that circles back to our A-C-M-N, doesn’t it? I guess it’ll be real news when you can buy it at your local grocery store.

I think I’m going to go vape some green and think about what it all means.

 

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The Cat Food

He was in Walmart, a store that he detests and avoids, but here he was, because he was being supportive. While there, WTH, the thinking goes, look at the cat food offerings and prices to update his mental database of such things. This is mostly because the little cat is ill. Always a picky eater, his disease has exacerbated this, so cans are opened for the little feline to pick his way through. Some are more successful than others, but his usual favorites have been soundly rejected. New flavors are required.

So he’s in the aisle, examining prices and offerings beside a couple who are about fifteen years older than him (he thinks), making them in their late seventies. The woman says, “Chicken and waffle cat food.”

Before thinking can be processed, his mouth is engaged. “No way. Really? You have to be making that up.”

She points out the package and he examines it. The three agree, it’s an absurd idea. None of them are buying it,

They talk, of course, about their cats’ eating habits, and how all are picky eaters. The man relates a tale about one cat.

The man loves the shrimp he buys at Costco. So does the cat, who gets aggressive about it, trying to steal it out of his hand and off his plate when he’s eating. He gives the cat some, of course, because he’s a human, and the cat is in charge. Yes, clearly. We all know this.

But, here is the punch line. The cat won’t touch any cat food with shrimp in it.

“Figures,” the man says, walking away. “Cats, right?”

Bothered

Does it bother anyone else that CVS and Walmart stores turned people away during the false missile alert in Hawaii the other day?

It bothers me. I heard it rationalized by business folks as a liability issue. You know, if everyone survived, but something happened to someone while they were in the store, they might sue the store or corporation afterward. I think that rationalization shows skewed — and flawed — priorities.

I did read two aspects of the alert scare which amused me. They came from the same source, an SFGate.com article about Duane Kuiper’s experience during the false alert in Hawaii. The article said, “The outdoor restaurant was emptied with breakfasts still on the tables.” Kuiper was quoted, “When people leave food, that’s not a good sign. Especially if you’re from Wisconsin. You don’t leave food.”

Too true. You know it’s serious when we’re all getting up and leaving our feed.

The second amusing aspect from that same article was, “The guards were yelling at swimmers to get out of the pool. An older man doing laps while wearing earplugs did not hear the order, so a guard walked into the pool fully clothed to drag him out.”

From the way I read it, it seems like they were concerned about people being in the pool during a missile strike, like the pool was a dangerous place to be when the missile hit. I know, it’s just me, and my warped sense of humor and perspective.

We can laugh about it now (or some of us, well removed from the threat, can), but it was an intense experience for those in the threatened area.

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