thinking – Page 30 – Michael Seidel, writer

I finished writing a novel the other day. But — there’s often a but inserted into the writing process, but that’s true about a large quantity of life matters, like, I love you, but — this tastes good, but — we can vote for him, but —

This but was about the ending. The first ending didn’t work so I set it aside and developed number two. Here is the but which you know is coming. Ending number two was dissatisfying. Too transparent and expected. Curses. The ending circulated through my mind as I progressed through the routines of the last few days, and then, ah hah! Yes, I’d gone the wrong direction for the ending. With that realized, I established the essence of a new ending, one which seemed like a natural and yet surprising outcome, and one which validated the novel’s underlying theme.

Now I need to take that from sketchy scenes in my head to words in a chapter. Time to write like crazy, at least one more time.

He wondered which of them had fallen out of love first. He believed that he did. He felt like she was always verbally abusing him and emotionally bullying him. He had a list of trespasses against her. She probably had one for him. The best thing to do is not keep a list, but there it was. They were so much alike, and they both always made lists.

I dreamed I was an ant, but I had my own head and face. It was the face and head from a younger me, maybe one seen on me in the mid 1970s. I was running around, as were other ants. Seemed to be a frenzy going. I was confused because, I was an ant and I’m not normally an ant. As I saw the others running around with their human heads and faces, I wondered if they were going through the same process of self-realization.

A rough blackish wall was on either side. Although thinking like a human, I was acting like an ant, following the white ground beneath me, feeling things with frenzied antennae, following along the others in chaotic urgency. Same time, I’m thinking, “I’m an ant. Can’t I climb this wall and go up and see what’s up there?”

I do that but get up there and can’t make any sense of it. The view doesn’t help. My senses are limited. Then, epiphany, I’m a brick wall. I need to change the way I’m looking at things because up isn’t up, there really isn’t a firmly idealized up or down.

I awaken from that. Oddly, almost instantly, I thought about the novel in progress and experienced a burst of productive creativity.

The dream reminded me of a video game.

I was a young man striding up and down hills beside a well-maintained highway. A clear and sunny day with pleasant temperatures, I could see a long way and was enjoying the trees, grasses, and glimpses of the shiny city that was my destination. There were no cars anywhere. Like a video game, I had discovered power crystals. In hues of every color available to an artist on his palette, they were slightly smaller than a walnut. I had learned that possessing these crystals gave me powers. I was eager to collect as many as I could. As I gathered them, I would put them in me by pressing them against me until my body sucked them in.

Once in a while, I paused to test what I could do. Yes, I could fly. Yes, I was elastic man and could stretch my limbs. Yes, I could see greater and greater distances with sharper clarity. I could hear more and access people’s thinking. Then I could run faster. Amazed and delighted, I kept collecting crystals while slowly devising ideas about what I would do with my new powers.