A Tiger Swallowtail butterfly landed on a butterfly bush’s long purplish panicle as he approached the plant on his walk. Such a Zen moment, he felt forced to pause for consideration of the scene. Then the butterfly and he moved on, as though neither were ever there, leaving the bush standing alone and patient once again.
Monday’s Wandering Thoughts
Just finished with our monthly food and friends deliveries. Run by the county, it’s a thing where hot meals with milk and dessert is delivered free for people’s lunch. They don’t need to be sick nor elderly; they just need to have a home, even if it’s temporary. Clients can chose to pay, if they’re able. Monday-Friday are the delivery days. Clients can decide which days they want it. Frozen meals can be added to cover holidays and weekends. My wife and I do one route, but it’s one of many routes, and two of many volunteers. One friend does it twice a week, every week. Respect.
I always end up wondering how people reached this point in their lives and what were they like before. I wonder about their relationships, marriages and divorces, careers and schooling, where they were born, how they came to be here in Ashlandia, and if they have family. Ours is a small route, normally nine to fourteen people. Some are temps but others have received food assistance for years. When their name is dropped from the ranks, we wonder what happened to them. Sometimes we learn, and it’s what’s expected, they passed away. Other times, they’ve gone into assisted living somewhere, hospice, or moved in with family.
I’ve seen others can do this path. Most of us in the US are on it. My mother-in-law’s route was through Parkinson’s Disease. Then a fall really undermined all aspects of her coping mechanisms, leading to a long demise. While Mom and her BF don’t have meals deliver, visualizing a day when that happens is easy. He’s in his nineties, she’s in her eighties. Both have health issues but cope. Still, they’re declining.
I even see myself on that road. I’ve suddenly gained weight. Energy level has dropped. Lethargy has risen. I see a practitioner, and they sympathize but empathize, I’m in good health. Hypertension and enlarged prostate is all that afflicts me. What I’m feeling is just the general demise of aging. It surprises me because that’s not what I’m used to being like. I have a hard time accepting it.
I imagine all the rest are the same, wondering, what in the hell happened to me?
Thursday’s Wandering Thought
A new electronic traffic message sign was up, warning me of a delay ahead. Bare orange, very functional design, basically just whatever was needed to hold up the big black sign with its electronic orange characters to give the message.
Sort of surprising. I thought with all the naming/advertising frenzy going on, with companies buying the rights to naming stadiums and other facilities, buying the rights to name a construction sign or advertise on it would be a no-brainer. “You deserve a break today. Stop at McDonald’s after you’re through this mess.” Then Micky D can add two golden arches to the sign.
More inventive and creative types will go the old Burma Shave route.
“You’re trapped in a car. Surrounded by tar. Fortunately for you, Starbucks isn’t far.”
What names would you expect to see advertising on or naming electronic traffic message signs?
“Orange cones put you in mind of anything? Dairy Queen is ready.”
Twins
After leaving the garage, he looked down the street. There, in the middle, was a doe with her twin fawns. Appearing almost brand new, they were adorable. He called his wife out so she could see. Watching together as the doe and her fawns came up the street — mama walking slow, the fawns galloping in spurts — they wondered if she was the same doe who’d been hanging around their yard.
After the family disappeared behind the neighbor’s house across the street, he left in his car. Arriving at a stop light, he saw a mother with her twins on a bicycle. Wearing helmets, blond curls sticking out, the twins looked like they were about two years old, tiny perfect human replicas.
It was a good day for twins. It felt like the world was making a statement. As often with the world’s statements, he just wasn’t certain what the statement was.
Thursday’s Wandering Thoughts
After taking some meds, he learned again that if some is good, more isn’t always better. The rule of moderation was proven again. The question for everyone, with everything, was always, what constitutes moderation? Difficulty comes because it changes with age, health, and circumstances. Re-consideration and adjustments are often required.
Lost Button
Where is my button?
I can’t find it now.
Don’t know where to eat, what to eat,
And I’m beginning to forget how.
Where is my button?
How do I get through the day?
What will I do when others come around,
Asking me to play?
Without my button, I don’t know where to go,
I have nothing smart to say.
Oh, where is my button?
How did I lose it this way?
People say they never used to have them,
But that cannot be true.
How did they know how to dress,
How to act, what to learn,
Without a button to show the truth?
Oh, where is my button?
It’s driving me insane.
How can I be me, without my button to say?
Saturday’s Wandering Thoughts
He likes to be on the edge. Not on the edge of his seat, nor the edge or insanity, or the edge of disaster. He likes sitting in a chair that’s on the edge of crowds, restaurants, coffee houses, and other venues. Likewise, he prefers to stand on an edge’s crowd. It can be the front edge, although he’s more comfortable with no one behind him but wall.
That’s the thing. It’s about comfort. There’s no logic or emotion associated with his choice. He’s just more comfortable on the edge, the fringe, even. Just how he is and has always been.
Wednesday’s Wandering Thoughts
He always found himself waiting or planning for the next thing, as if he was trapped in some personal version of “The Jolly Corner”. The next season, the next birthday, the next death.
The next marriage, the next divorce, the next trip, the next vacation..
The next election, the political scandal, the next mass murder.
Next step in finishing a novel, the next novel to write, the next meal, the next task, job, bill, the next expense.
He kept reminding himself, stop. Stay in the moment and enjoy. But the next always kept coming.
Always.
Michael Seidel, writer 