Tag: satire

Munday’s Wandering Political Thoughts

PINO*-elect Trump is calling for buying Greenland. What a goofball. Certainly fun to read about him for the crazy factor. It’s like, what will that crazy monkey say next?

“For purposes of National Security and Freedom throughout the World, the United States of America feels that the ownership and control of Greenland is an absolute necessity,” Trump wrote in a statement announcing that he chose Ken Howery to serve as ambassador to Denmark.

Sidebar: I think that Buying Greenland and Other Insanity would be an excellent title for Trump’s biography. Feel free to use it.

Back to PINO-elect Trump’s idea. My first question is, has Denmark said that Greenland is for sale? Sure that’s not important to Trump. He likes taking things. Remember, he’s the one who suggest that all he has to do to get a woman is “grab her by the pussy.”

Trump: “Yeah, that’s her, with the gold. I’ve got to use some Tic Tacs, just in case I start kissing her. You know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful — I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. I just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything.”

Unidentified man: “Whatever you want.”

Trump: “Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything.”

Next question, of course, if he is going to instead pay for it, what is the price? Third in line to ponder is what is PINO-elect Trump’s plan to pay for it? He’s planning to cut taxes and raise tariffs on imported goods, which are both projected to cut revenue. While he’s doing that, he’s going to reduce the deficit, and mass deport millions of people.

I’m guessing that Trump will have to raise the money for buying Greenland in some extraneous ways. Maybe sell some of his bought billionaires on eBay. Putin would probably buy them. Or Trump will do a car wash or bake sale. Can you see a WH car wash? Ten thousand dollars a car. He’ll have the Secret Service do the washing. A bake sale spun right could bring in some cash. First, Trump buys or steals (or calls for them to be donated!) a bunch of baked goods. Then Trump can take a bite of each baked good and sell it for a grand per. “Real Food Certified to have been bitten by PINO Donald J. Trump.” Film him biting each cookie and signing a certificate of biting it. Post it to X. He could sell them for $299 a bite.

I’m sure that whatever he does to raise money to buy Greenland, it’ll be the “greatest and most beautiful thing ever”. Right?

Oh, wait, I know. He can collect and bottle his piss and sell it to raise the money. That’d probably bring in a lot of money. Supporters are sure to buy his bottled piss. I mean, look at how many keep buying his shit.

*PINO: President in name only.

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Sinda’s Wandering Political Thoughts

PINA Trump hasn’t even taken the oath of office yet, and the crazy is already at a third-year frenzy. He’s grabbing headlines this weekend by bellowing about the Panama Canal.

“The Panama Canal is considered a vital national asset for the United States, due to its critical role to America’s economy and national security,” Trump said Saturday on his Truth Social platform. “A secure Panama Canal is crucial for U.S. Commerce, and rapid deployment of the Navy.”

Inspired by Trump’s demands, Putin put out statement that maybe Russia should demand Alaska back. “Alaska is considered a vital national asset for the Russian Federation due to its location and wealth of natural resources. A secure Alaska is crucial for Russian commerce, and a rapid deployment of our military forces.”

Not to be outdone, France issued a statement suggesting that they might demand the Louisiana Purchase be returned to France. “We were tricked into making that sale,” the statement said. “America’s ambassadors supplied champagne, whiskey, and wine to the meeting, and took advantage of France’s representatives.”

Representatives of King Charles III’s government put out a statement that they are re-thinking the history of the original thirteen colonies, and might demand that they be returned as well. Spain has suggested it might demand that Florida be returned to them, “Because it’s a really warm place and is important for our ability to relax, enjoy the sun, and visit Disney.”

Several Indian tribes in the United States have given notice that they intend to demand their territories back, noting that the United States failed to live up to treaties or killed the people inhabiting it and stole the land.

In another official statement, the President of the United Mexican States said that although Texas was once part of Mexico, they were willing to let the United States keep it.

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Thursday’s Wandering Thoughts

Went grocery shopping yesterday. A light shop, a stop-gap function done because we were in Medford for a medical appointment, so let’s shop since we’re here. Combining tasks is the ‘Merican way.

Watching folks with their shopping carts in stores, I thought, we really need to codify some basic shopping cart etiquette. I mean, most of spend an impressive chunk of existence in the U.S. in stores, guiding a shopping cart. Some rules and expectations could be helpful. Like, “Do not block the aisle with your cart and body. Be mindful of other shoppers.” Yes, that’s a toughie for some: mobility issues, size of the aisle, and size of the individual all contribute to the difficulty levels. But at least make an effort, won’t you?

While we’re at it, could you pay attention when you’re wheeling your cart down an aisle? Nothing like being forced to stop and watch as some yo-yo pushes their cart blindl forward while looking behind them. I was going to say to treat your cart like you’re driving a car but numerous lobotomized drivers seem to be steering motorized vehicles these day.

BTW, we’re all tired and impatient. You shoving your cart around, cutting others off, doesn’t help the sit. But we witness the same thing in road rage incidents, don’t we, as people impatiently cut corners and run red lights and stop signs.

Anway, to socialize these new shopping cart norms, we can involve shopping carts and celebrities. Imagine synchronized shopping cart activities in Fourth of July, Thanksgiving, and other holiday parades. Shopping cart manuveuring and rules can be taught in elementary school. Remedial courses can be offered in high school and college. Perhaps there will be Olympic shopping cart events. Maybe we can change the hundred meter dash. Adding carts and staging it in grocery stores would make events like that more relatable to norms like me. We’d call it “The Shopping Cart Dash”. Makes more sense than high hurdles. How many times do you really do hurdles in real life?

Rev up your imaginaiton to the possibilities. James Croden could go shopping with celebrities. We can have a public service campaigns featuring Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift and other stars pushing shopping carts in stores while complying with the new etiquette. Which sports superstar, Hollywood uber star, or pop megastar would you like to see pushing a shopping cart to inspire you? With examples like Joey Logana, Selena Gomez, Jelly Roll, Tina Fey, Ellen, Aaron Judge, and Patrick Mahomes leading the way, we could become a nation known as polite and civilized shopping carters.

I mean, what else do we have going for us at this point?

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Thursday’s Wandering Thoughts

I cleaned the kitty litter today. The excavated taters were shoveled into a paper bag. I then went through the house with the bag of kitty litter to dump it into the trash. As I went, I held the bag up and called out, “Ho ho ho, merry Thanksgiving.”

I thought it was good symblism for the holiday season upon us.

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Mumday’s Theme Music

Mood: Mumstheword

It’s Mumday, October 7, 2024. The night had a chilly mountain breath but the sun is again restoring warmth, a practice that’s been going on for millions of years. 64 F now, blue sky and sunny, nary a worrying cloud, we’ll top out in the mid to upper 80s. Air quality is again close to excellent.

Many are familiar with expressions about ‘staying mum’, ‘keeping mum’, or ‘mum’s the word’. These imply that they’ll be silent on a subject. Many don’t know how the expression is derived from the same origins which gave Monday it’s first ancient name: Mumday.

The Mums were a religious sect. Their original idea of ‘being mum’ began as a process for honoring the dead. The society was a small religious outlier in ancient Egypt, where the practice of preserving the deceased involved mummifying them. The Mums would wrap their heads as though they were mummified and remain silent in a day of worship and respect of the dead. During the day, they were tasked with doing good deeds and charity in the name of the day, all without speaking. They were allowed to utter, “Mmmm,” to acknowledge that they heard. As this day was often done the day after Sunday, the day after Sunday became Mumday in recognition of the practice. Later societies modified the expression into Monday, which was supposed to be a nod to the Moon. But historians ‘dug up’ the truth while excavating sites where mummies were found.

Later, after the switch to Monday and the re-discovery of the Mums in the late sixteen hundreds, the popular variations on ‘being mum’ evolved.

Always good to start the day with a new fact, isn’t it?

All kinds of music is inspired by Monday, but The Neurons went with a rocking pop tune. “Walk Like An Egyptian” by the Bangles occupies the morning mental music stream (Trademark mum). The Bangles did’t write it, though. From Wikipedia.org:

Liam Sternberg said he was inspired to create the song while on a ferry crossing the English Channel. When the vessel hit choppy water, passengers stepped carefully and moved their arms awkwardly while struggling to maintain their balance, and that reminded Sternberg of the depiction of human figures in ancient Egyptian tomb paintings.

Ah, hah. He did a demo of it and offered it to Toni Basil. She turned it down. Lene Lovich recorded it but never released it, and then ended up offering it to the Bangles. Three of the four Bangles share lead vocals. Lovich deemed the drummer’s efforts, Debbi Peterson, so Debbi was relegated to backup vocals. If you check out the accompanying video, you can see that Peterson also isn’t playing the drums; that was accomplished by a drum machine while she played tambourine. Can’t be surprised to learn that the dual actions about her role caused some tension in the group. Nonetheless, the song became the Bangle’s first number one hit. It’s a fun song to me, a good one to energize a Monday.

So happy Mumday. Be strong and positive. Vote blue and don’t stay mum. And yes, powered by coffee, I made all that up about Mumday. My tongue was firmly in my cheek.

Here’s the music. Cheers

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Sunday’s Political Thoughts

In other news that isn’t news, Donald Trump, the GOP nominee for the President of the United States, is upset.

I know, it’s not strong news. Donald J. is often upset. He’s frequently angry at judges, former allies, authors, journalists, prosecutors, the DOJ, media outlets, actors and actresses, women, his lawyers, his advisors, former members of his administration, generals, professional athletes, other billionaires, politicians — especially Democrats, or ‘Dems’ as he likes to say, but also RiNOs — and people who are suing him or serving as witnesses in one of his many trials. Donald J. is not one to shrug it off and sing, “Life is but a dream.” No, he is a serious, angry individual. Just look at his face. I’d share a photo of his face, but I can’t personally stand looking at his face. Sorry.

Aside, though. It used to be common to refer to the POTUS as ‘leader of the free world’. That appellation used to be more frequently used. Maybe it’s just that it’s not used in my silos of information. Could be that the expression is a cold-war relic and went out of popularity with the U.S.S.R.’s collapse and break up.

Anyway, Taylor Swift, a talented, hard-working, world-famous young singer, entertainer, and pop culture queen, endorsed Vice President Kamala Harris as her choice for POTUS.

This was bigly news to Trump. Storming stormed around, throwing ketchup, tossing Big Mac wrappers, he swore, “Covfefe!” Aides and advisors familiar with his patterns got out of his way for their own safety and peace of mind.

“Where’s my phone, where’s my phone?” Trump shouted. “I need to text.”

So he did, pouring his feelings out into social media. “I HATE TAYLOR SWIFT!” 

All caps. The man was deadly furious. A dam on his emotions had broken.

Lips pursed in a manly scowl, he nodded in satisfaction. “That’ll show ’em. That’ll teach them to endorse other, other, other people. Nobody puts Donald J. Trump in a corner.” Waddling back to the table, he sat down and ordered a soft drink.

“Anyone know where my wife is?” He thought about it for a moment. Did he have a wife? Been so long since he’d seen her.

Trump smiled. No way was Biden going to win. Sleepy Joe. Ha. No way. Just wait. Just wait. He’d show ’em. He’d show ’em all.

Just as he’d shown Taylor Swift.

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Tuesday’s Political Thoughts

Trump’s latest is — hold up.

This is Donald J. Trump. Felon. Just to verify who I’m writing about. He’s the Republican nominee for President of the United States in 2024. One-time POTUS, elected back in 2016, he failed to hold onto the office in 2020, but he refuses to go away.

Trump’s latest declaration is that children are getting sex change operations at school. Going in as one sex, coming home as another.

“Kamala supports states being able to take minor children and perform sex change operations, take them away from their parents, perform sex change operations, and send them back home,” Trump said in a Mosinee, Wisconsin speech.

That’s one of the greatest most out of touch things I’ve heard of him saying. Crazier than his speculation about getting killed by sharks versus being electrocuted if your electric boat sank.

Crazier than his declaration that Mexico will pay for a border wall. Crazier than his lies that wasn’t what he said.

Crazier than windmills causing cancer.

Crazier than his recounting of how the American military took the airports during the American Revolutionary war.

Crazier than his idea that raking forests may help prevent forest fires.

Crazier than his assertion that he actually won the 2020 election, even though he also admits that he lost it. Crazier than his assertion that he has ‘every right’ to interfere in the election results. Crazier than his declaration that he’d been dictator on day one. Crazier than his insistence he knows nothing about Project 2025, despite the evidence of him bragging about it.

Do you realize how crazy and out of touch this latest is? Schools don’t have the money to buy school supplies, and he thinks they have enough money for surgical operations?

C’mon, man. Where are the operating rooms? Are teachers doing this surgery or are they hiring surgeons on the sly? Maybe he thinks the surgeons are volunteers, right?

Seriously, though, this is the best the GOP has to offer the nation, the world, and themselves, a man claiming without any evidence that children are being operated on in schools?

That party has lost its way.

Vote blue in 2024. Please, please, please. Are you seriously willing to accept a person who makes such baseless claims?

If so, I have an airport to sell you. It’s secret, though, at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. Trump goes there all the time. You’ll love it.

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Wednesday’s Theme Music

Mood: contratagious

Can you believe it? This morning, it’s chilly. About 61 F at my house at the mo. One door and two windows partially open to harvest and store some cold air for the day. Cuz it’s gonna get hot. 99 F.

This is Wednesday, September 4, 2024.

A friend posted a link to an article about Newsmax hosts reacting to J.D. Vance’s assertions that childless elites are dangerous for the country. He — J.D. Vance, not the friend — believes that if you’re childless, you should not be in a position of ‘power’. I imagine he wouldn’t want childless people to teach children, then.

I guess, then, that his Priests all have children, right? If I’m following his thinking, I mean. Like, the Pope should immediately start fornicating his robes off and get to procreating.

In his view, it’s a danger because, “If you don’t have kids, who’s going to take care of you when you’re old?” he continued. “Who’s going to care for our elderly? Work the jobs that are necessary? If we don’t have children, then the answer is nobody.”

J.D. Vance is such a narrow thinker. Which explains why he was against Trump before he stuck his head right up Trump’s ass. See, right now, I’m sure the robot industry, driven by childless engineers, are working hard on this problem of who will care for the childless elderly when they need assistance. These CareBots will probably be produced by all the major car manufacturers, advertised on Facebook and Google, and have Amazon tracking chips so that as soon as someone utters a wish about a food or drink, the CareBot will offer to order it.

I think what J.D. Vance is really worried about is the lack of child labor available. I believe I read that Project 2025 and the GOP in general wants to abolish child labor laws. Don’t quote me on that because I’m operating on precariously low coffee levels. As I see it, though, having children available to work would drive down wages because there would be a larger labor pool. Then US manufacturing can compete with countries where they’re willing to pay people pennies and permit children to work.

Of course, we could not put any children in any positions of power, no matter how intelligent or talented they might be. Because those children don’t have children. Unless, J.D. Vance is planning for children to have children. That wouldn’t surprise me.

BTW, don’t you think that ‘J.D. Vance’ sounds like a low-end department store? “Come on down to J.D. Vance for your Labor Day shopping needs! Our children cashiers and stockers keep our prices the lowest around. We’re open 24 hours a day, seven days a week. We have the latest MAGA apparel on sale. And we just got in a shipment of gold-plated replicas of Donald Trump’s shot ear! But hurry. At these prices, this stock won’t last.”

Pivoting, The Neurons are playing “Tusk” in the morning mental music stream (Trademark childless). I blame Jill Dennison for this. I regularly read her blog, or try; I have a bunch of them which I try to read but there’s not enough time, what with all the golfing I do. Any, “Tusk” is a Fleetwood Mac song from the early 1970s. You may have read about the 1970s in your Republican edited textbooks. It was a time when Richard Nixon saved the world from the Godless commies, and OPEC raised gas prices and cut our gas supply, scaring the bejesus out of Americans driving huge motor vehicles which got such poor gas mileage that manufacturers were trying to figure out ways to refuel cars without people having to stop at a gas station. I was there; I remember.

Anyway, we also had ‘rock’ music back then. Fleetwood Mac are rock performers. Jill D. — not to be confused with Micky D. — shared a Fleetwood Mac song. In her informative post, “Tusk” was mentioned. Or maybe I read it somewhere else. I don’t know. It’s all melting together like burning birthday candles on a cake. But The Neurons took those words and brought the song into my head where it’s been playing off and on in between commercials for holiday shopping at J.D. Vance, where every employee has a child. It’s company policy.

Stay positive, be strong, and stay fresh all day long with J.D. Vance’s new and improved J.D. Vance A.D./A.P. Available at J.D. Vance Deparment Stores everywhere.

I need some coffee. Here’s the music. Hope you find it entertaining. Peace out.

*A.D./A.P. = Anti Deodorant/Anti Perspirant

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