His Rules

He wears the same damn pants every day. They’re loose, so he doesn’t need to watch his weight.

He’s added pockets to his pants for the remotes so they’ll never be lost (not that he goes far – frig, microwave, shitter, couch). He wears a utility belt with Tums, cough drops, and other crap that he might need that he doesn’t want to get up to get. A small frig resides besides the couch for essential soda and beer.

Clocks and calendars have been removed; who needs time? Sleeping on the couch makes the whole damn thing easier. He doesn’t plan to bathe or shave until this whole damn thing is over, his protest against government overreach.

Still, his mouth is hurting, so he’s thinking, maybe he’ll break down and brush his teeth.

Happy Pretend Everything Really Is Okay Day

Hadn’t been reaching much news today (cause it felt icky on my tongue and was searing my senses) so I didn’t know until just now that today is Pretend-Everything-Really-Is-Okay Day.

Wow. As I age, I discover that I frequently don’t know WTF is going on (and even more frequently don’t care), so I’m not so surprised that you could knock me out with a feather for not knowing today is PERIOD. I don’t have happy memories of PERIOD (see, I just found out about it), even though it’s been around for several thousands years, pre-dating just about every holiday that exists.

I read that celebrating PERIOD means doing things that you would normally do, even if something is going on that might disturb you. You’re supposed to watch television, read, surf the net, clean house, shower, shit, shave, and eat, etc., as though everything is like baked Alaska.

What’d you know? That’s exactly how I celebrated PERIOD.

So Happy PERIOD to you, full stop. Hope you had a damn fine holiday.

More

More cases, more deaths, more jokes about drinking wine.

More demands about re-opening businesses, and then everything will be fine.

More stories about valor and the sacrifices made.

More stories about lying, misinformation, and the debts to be paid.

Some things will not change, don’t seem they ever will,

But every time we go through something like, someone pays the bill.

It’s not usually the rich, nor the pols running the gov,

It’s the workers and the nurses and the people that we love.

Long Sighs

Still holding her phone up, Mya stared at her mother. Her mother had such a pretty face. Everyone said so, but whenever it was just her and her mom, her mother delivered every set of thoughts with a long sigh, as if what she has just stated is a great burden. “Beverly’s birthday is tomorrow. I’ll need to send her a birthday card.” Long sigh.

“I have no energy. I’ll make a cup of coffee in a minute, after I do this puzzle.” Long sigh.

“What do we have in the freezer to have for dinner? I suppose I can take out some salmon.” Long sigh.

Listening, watching her mother, Mya wondered where the long sighs came from, and why she did it. Looking into her short tube of memories (she couldn’t help thinking like that, thank you, Uncle Pat), the eleven-year-old decided that she would not be like her mother, sighing as though burdened with everything that she does.

“We can have rice with it. Do we have rice? Let me go look.” Long sigh.

“I’ll look,” Mya said, jumping up. Then she caught herself sighing and wondered, was it already too late?

The New Resident

A new resident has joined us. I found this black widow living outside our bedroom slider.

The slider has a panel with a pet door affixed in place. I met her last night. Letting a cat in, I saw her skinny up a line from the door to the midpoint. Hanging there, she rotated, showing off her abs with its bold scarlet hourglass. When I brought the camera out, her shy side emerged and she shot up to her web in the corner.

I don’t know when she moved in. I chatted with her for a few seconds. She seems moody and distant.

I said, “Hi, I’m Michael.”

She studied me.

I shrugged. “New here?”

Silent staring was her response.

“So what do you do? Web designer?”

“Stay-at-home mom. Gotta go.”

She headed toward a space in the door frame, folding herself in, and pretended to sleep.

I took my photo and went away. I’m sure we’ll meet again. Maybe she’ll be friendlier next time.

Backslide

They finally made it over the hump. Stay at home policies were being relaxed. Businesses were re-opening. “We’re striving to return to normalcy,” the governor, the mayor, and anyone else who was anyone said. Some were talking about parades and national holidays, “To stimulate the economy.”

“I’m looking forward to normal,” he told his wife.

“I want to go dancing,” she said.

Both wondered, is it safe? The government said it was. Maybe they’d wait, maybe…

Reading the news…Jesus…”It’s like the same thing everything day.” The weather made him feel foul. He felt cold. The sun felt weak. The day seemed shorter. What the fuck, he wondered, than attributed it to his dark moods. It’d pass in a few days.

The next day brought the awful news. He checked the numbers and saw an increase to cases. He groaned. “No. Christ, I hope it’s just a blip.”

His wife, reading something on her Mac, said nothing.

Sullenness settled on him. God, he was so looking forward to normal, to getting out of the house, to walking down the street, and then, on the whim of a smell – a burger, fried onions, whatever – to walk into a restaurant, any restaurant, damn it, and order whatever meal he wanted, and have someone bring it to him, and pay them money without worrying about their breathing and their distance and their health. Plus, yeah, he loved his wife, but five weeks of isolation with just her had seared his sanity.

The news continued. He’d heard it all before. “What the hell.” If his mind wasn’t going, then the news was exactly what they’d heard before, word for friggin’ word. “You hearing this?” he asked his wife.

Without looking up from her laptop, she said, “Hm mmm.”

Which, what did that mean? “What’s for dinner?” he asked, and then joked, “Want to go out?”

“I was thinking that we’d have pizza and a salad.”

“We just had that.”

His wife looked blank. “When?”

“Last night, remember? We joked about it being our victory pizza? I opened a bottle of wine?”

Her eyes widened as he spoke, and then she rolled them in that irritating, contemptuous, dismissive way. “Is this another one of your jokes?”

“You seriously don’t remember?”

“We didn’t have pizza last night.”

“Then what did we have?”

“We had black beans salad.”

“No, we didn’t, no, we didn’t. That was the day before.”

He stood. “I’ll prove it.” He stormed to the freezer. The pizza would be gone. There’d be no pizza in there because it was the last one they had on hand. They’d joked about that, too.

But there was the pizza, a Newman’s own.

“No fucking way,” he said, throwing the pizza back into the chest freezer. No fucking way.  As a second verification, he went by the wine storage and confirmed, there was no open bottle. Like, it had not been opened. He checked the recycle bin for a bottle, just in case — he didn’t remember finishing the bottle but maybe she’d had some — but there wasn’t an empty wine bottle in the bin. Passing, he saw the cake.

He’d eaten the last piece as dessert, after the pizza. Victory pizza, victory wine, victory cake. Moving slowly, he slipped back down the hall. It hit him as he returned to the office and sat down at his computer. They were going backward in time. If he was right…he couldn’t be right.

But if he was right, they were going to relive it all again, in reverse.

“Did you find the pizza?” she asked, a smug tone to her voice.

Or, he corrected, he was going to relive it all again in reverse. She seemed completely oblivious.

“I was right, wasn’t I?” she said.

He covered his face with his palm. With a swallowed sigh, he wondered, how far back could he go?

Day Eight

Locked away, he had time to do things that he’d always intended to do. First would be to learn to communicate with the cat.

Yeah, he wasn’t crazy (so he told himself, trying to sound convinced). He thought he and the cat had a special connection. The little feline (it was little then, in the beginning, not so little now, relatively for a house cat – twenty-three pounds) marched up to him on the street and meowed like Whitney Houston singing “I will always love yooouuu,” bestowing the cat his name, Houston (because it was a male). It was like true fidelity from then on.

Houston was everywhere with him, monitoring his bathroom, trying to steal food (the lovable little thief) with his big white mitts, bolting across rooms and up walls (swear to God!). Now, aged three, Houston had settled into being a more dignified feline. Cagney (his name, distant relative to James, the actor) (he always used his last name, disliking his first name, the unobtrusive, forgettable “Jack”) thought that if Houston could talk, he would sound pretty close to James Earl Jones. From there (and the looks that the cat gave him), he’d decided that he and the cat could communicate, like, telepathically.

Engaging in an effort every day since he’d been self-isolated — this was day eight — he sat the cat in front of him and sat down. “Houston. Look at me. Look into my eyes.”

Although he appeared sleepy (it was time for his pre-nap nap), Houston did as told.

“I’m going to speak words to you. I want you to think them back to me. Do you understand?”

Cagney listened for a response. Yawning, Houston seemed to try to wake up to participate.

“I know you understand me. I know how smart you are.”

Thank you.

Cagney blinked. “What? Do you — ” Had he heard that? “Did you say, thank you.”

I did. You heard me.

“Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.” Cagney stood up and spun around. He’d only half thought of what would happen next. Like how was he going to prove it? How was he going to prove it?

He stared down at Houston. Houston watched him with interest. “So you hear me, right, Houston?”

Yes, I do, Cagney.

“Okay, okay, I need more than that. Nod your head, nod your head if you understand me.”

Houston nodded his head.

Cagney jumped up and down laughing. “Holy shit. Holy she-it. I did it! We did it. I got to — where’s my phone? Where’s my cell? I gotta video this. Where’s my cell? Where’s my cell?”

Blue eyes bulging, Cagney scanned the room and skittered off. “Must’ve left it in the bedroom. Don’t move, Houston, stay right there, I’m coming right back.” He was out of the room and accelerating, sliding on the floor, and shouting over his shoulder.

Ears forward, Houston watched Cagney disappeared. He’d done it. He’d managed to lower the human’s defenses. Next step would be to take control over Cagney’s mind.

With his defenses down, it’d be as easy as catching a bird.

Somber Experiences

Some do not want to practice social distancing. Tales from Oregon and Alaska.

Guests arrive across the street at a neighbor’s house. The neighbors came out and greeted their visitors. Hugs were exchanged.

While delivering food to shut-ins, a volunteer was accosted by one shut-in who refused to recognize the six foot distance and had to be admonished several times. According to the volunteer, he seemed to be taking malicious glee approaching her.

Friends were out walking. They encountered a forty-ish woman with a teenage female. They refused to move. Both parties stopped. My friend explained, “We’re practicing social distancing.” The other woman threw her hands up. “That’s such bullshit.”

Another friend, out shopping, encountered a person in an aisle. She stopped at one end, waiting for him to finish. He noticed her. “Oh, what?” He smirked. “You waiting for me to leave?”

“Yes.”

The man proceeded to dawdle, clearly to irritate my friend. Shrugging it off, she went to another section of the store.

He followed her. More, he began trying to sneak up on her. Not wanting to give him satisfaction, she ignored him as she could and moved away. But after twenty minutes of this, she finally snapped at him in a loud voice. Her expletive loaded tirade brought store personnel to the scene. One had observed what’d been going on (so why didn’t she step in, everyone asks) and vouched for my friend and her experience. The man was ordered out of the store.

Let’s be careful out there. Some folks are stupid – and we know how dangerous stupid can be – and some are just dicks.

That is all.

Pet Habit

When things are dark and all’s asleep,

he seeks the comfort of my feet.

When the day is warm and the insects drone,

he likes to lie beside my toes.

When I sit down to read or eat,

there he is again, settling on my feet.

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