Tag: humor

The School Zone Button

I was thinking about another problem that’s not really a problem, and was surprised that some car company hasn’t already solved it.

Driving through the school zone, I wondered why my car didn’t have a “School Zone Button.” My car, a Mazda CX-5, is a pretty smart car. Its lights and wipers go on whenever the need is detected.

It’s locks are always tricking us, evidence of how smarter it is than us. The door locks are key-less, and depends on you having a fob on your person. You press a button on the outside door handle to unlock it. The car gives you a few friendly beeps and lets you in. But if the button has already been pushed on one side, and someone pushes on the button on the other side, say my wife, the car goes into a frenzy of beeping warning that kind of reminds me of the robot on “Lost in Space” saying, “Danger, Will Robinson!” Walking it is much easier; you just walk away. The car has options to change all of these settings, but they’re exhausting to navigate.

The car has a built in navigation system. This system will show you the speed limit for the road you’re on, and tell you when you’re speeding. You figure that if the car already knows the speed for the road, and knows that I’m in a school zone, I should be able to press a button that will keep the car at the school zone speed.

Yeah, I know, how hard is it to keep a car at that speed? Well, from the number of people who ignore it, it’s pretty damn hard. The school zones seem to go a million miles around the schools in Ashland, starting at 7 AM and going to 5 PM. I rarely see a child in any of them.

The School Zone Button. It’s an idea whose time has come.

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Lesson Learned

One life lesson I learned long ago is to always check for toilet paper before sitting down to do my business. Of course, sometimes the information is useless, because there is no toilet paper, and no solution for the missing toilet paper.

That’s when you follow your “No Toilet Paper” flow chart to decide what to do.

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Multiple Choice

So, cat folks. Have you ever been busy doing something, or killing time while you’re doing something, and look up, and see a little cat head peeking around the corner, watching you? Do you find this:

a. Oh, so sweet, it’s almost precious.

b. Cute.

c. A little freaky.

d. Irritating, because you can’t get a minute to yourself.

e. All of the above?

Yeah, one of my floofs do this, like he’s a spy. The rest just barge in, and either a), rub up against my legs; b), try to get on my lap; c), sit down and watch me while meowing; or d), all of these activities.

Floofyeurism: when a cat spies on you.

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Effloofuence

Effloofuence (catfinition) – a substance that flows out of a cat.

In use: “Sometimes the cats shed so much, he thought of it more as a constant effloofuence, rather then individual strands falling from their bodies.”

Editing Note: “Affloofuent” and “effloofuence” are often confused for one another, but their catfinitions are significantly different.

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Affloofuent

Affloofuent (catfinition) – having an abundance of cats.

In use: “Besides being a reader, writer, and beer-drinker, and beer-drinking, he’s an affloofuent individual, with multiple cats lounging close at hand during all times and activities.”

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Floofcate

Floofcate (catfinition) – to sooth or mollify a cat through concessions.

In use:  Kevin rose from the chair. The little tabby cat jumped into the vacated space.

“There,” Kevin said. “Are you satisfied?”

The cat began washing her paw.

“I’ll just…stand,” Kevin said, staring at the cat. “I sit too much anyway.”

The things he did to floofcate his pet.

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Cats on the Floor

Cats on the floor,

cats on the bed.

Cats running around,

even jumping on my head.

 

Cats demanding food,

cats demanding love.

Cats wanting attention,

and cats wanting none.

 

Cats on the Internet,

cats in my dreams.

Cats serving notice,

they are the kings and queens.

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The Chances

You ever step on a floof’s dinglberry that’s a quarter inch in diameter, and the only one in the room, and wonder, what are the chances of that happening in a two-hundred eighty square foot room at four in the morning?

As Sheldon would say, “We could do the math.”

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