Routine Haiku
Floofpas
Floofpas (floofinition) – an embarrassing act a housepet does in a social situation.
In use: “In a classic floofpas, as her friend reached her, her dog went forward and tried humping her friend’s leg.”
Big Gulp Fan
I’m a big gulp fan. I usually have one a night. Sometimes, though, if it’s a fresh bottle of a favorite pinot noir or red blend, I’ll have two big gulps, or even three.
Floofburger
Floofburger (floofinition) human food prepared for and served to housepets; (slang) an affectionate term for a pet who begs for or steals human food.
In use: “When he grilled his chicken kebabs, he always planned a floofburger, grilling a special kebab for the cats. They started begging for it as soon as it hit the grill.”
Flooforous
Flooforous (floofintion) – a pleasant sound made by a housepet.
In use: “Daisy’s flooforous barking announced how happy the golden retriever was to see him.”
Mewincholy
Mewincholy (floofinition) – a housecat’s sound of pensive sadness, often with no discernible cause.
In use: “Sitting in the living room, not far from him as he read his book, his cat released a a deep mewincholy, breaking his focus. “What is it?” he asked, staring at his fur friend. In response, she turned to him and unleashed a softer rendition of the same sound.”
Eye Drops
Leaning back, he let loose with one drop, shifted to the other eye and let drop again, as he’d done every day for decades.
After a moment, he realized he’d dropped both into his mouth, and laughed. How silly he was getting as he got older.
It wasn’t so funny the next time he did it.
But the third time…well, the third time, it wasn’t even noticed.
Floofclectic
Floofclectic (floofinition) – a housepet with unusual markings.
In use: “He called her Heinz because the sweet, floofclectic feline appeared, in his words, to be half-Siamese, half-Maine Coon, with a black short-hair tabby tail, some calico and European blotched tabby markings in her hips, and big ginger paws. Her eyes were almond-shaped sapphires, her meow was a strident grunt, and her purr was a drowning gurgle, but, damn, she was smart.”
Suspicious Animals
You ever see a cat or dog that you don’t know staring at you like, “I know him. Where do I know him from?”
I tell them, maybe you met my doppelganger in another dimension, or we know each other from a past life.
They’re always like, “Yeah. Maybe.”
But they always look like they’re suspicious, like I’m trying to hide something from them.
As if.
Floofception
Floofception (floofinition) – the act of deceiving a housepet; the act of causing a housepet to accept as true or valid what is false or invalid.
In use: “Floofception is offered required when dealing with houspets. For example, to draw his cats out of hiding, David often shook the kibble box, leading the cats to believe they were about to be fed.”
