Tag: humor

New Demands

Pent up by a winter storm, my cats conferred and emerged from their confab with new demands. Each demands that they get at least fifteen hours per day of personalized care and attention. Said personalized care and attention requires me to pet, scratch, caress, play, and feed each one (or allow them to sleep on my lap) for a total of at least fifteen hours per day. They’re calling this the fifteen-hour minimum initiative.

I pointed out to them that the day has only twenty-four hours, that I have other things to do, and there is no way that I can give each one fifteen hours of attention.

They reacted with sad head shakes. Boo, the spokes-cat, said, “Anything is possible, if you set your mind to it.”

They’re boycotting me until I come around, or feeding time, whichever comes first.

0

Two Out of Three

With snow falling and accumulating, my cats have adopted new rules for deciding whether to go outside.

  1. Does it look cold?
  2. Does it feel cold?
  3. Does it smell cold?

If two of these conditions are met, they don’t go out. Meatloaf was wrong: two out of three is bad.

0

Floofstakes

Floofstakes (floofinition) – potential outcome for housepets; in jeopardy for being a positive or negative result for a pet.

In use: “He hated taking his fur friends to the vet. Too often, the floofstakes weren’t good, beginning the slide down a long hill he’d gone down too many times.”

0

@70

He was comfortable, and she wanted to turn the heat up.

She was going to dance-exercise classes, and he was counting pills.

He was impatient to drive faster, and she thought he should slow down.

She was remarking about the pleasant evening they’d had, and he was complaining about the price of a dinner for two.

2

Last Wish

Dressed in a long, glossy black skirt, black boots, and a hooded black rain coat, she shuffled in slowly. Her steps made no sounds. A little bent forward, white, with wire rim glasses, she looked straight ahead.

She looks like death, he thought.

Turning, she looked at him, raised a black-gloved finger at him, and smiled. She is death, he realized. The scene changed. Instead of being at a coffee shop table typing on a computer, he was squirming and shaking against the shock of being born.

Great, he thought back in the other moment, guessing that he was going to endure a this-is-your-life montage before dying.

That was probably going to take a while.

He wished he had more coffee.

0

Floofkanda

Floofkanda (floofinition) – An isolated region where housepets roam in safety and happiness while learning about the secrets of the universe.

In use: “Many people think their pets die, but in reality, they’ve found the bridge to Floofkanda. Although they love their bipedal friends, a natural imperative forces them to cross the bridge and reach Floofkanda.”

2

Disturbing Results

He didn’t know how this fit into anything.

Completing his manuscript, including revising and editing it, he scoured the net, found a dozen prospective agents, and sent it off to them.

Three weeks later, he hadn’t heard anything from any of them and decided to beat the net to see what was happening with his prospective agents.

Imagine his surprise when they all turned out dead.

Well, he’d always thought it was a killer idea.

0

Gadfloof

Gadfloof (floofinition) – a housepet who provokes others into action by criticism.

In use: “A true gadfloof, Raven beckoned Suzo forth with mews and glances until Suzo followed her. When they stopped, Raven sat down in front of the litter box. She looked at Suzo and then dolefully looked at the box. Suzo looked at Raven. Raven looked at the box again and Suzo realized it needed to be cleaned.”

0

Acfloofsition

Acfloofsition (floofintion) – acquiring a new pet for the household; reference to a new housepet added to the family.

In use: “He’d not planned an acfloofsition, being happy with the two cats he’d had for ten years. It was actually the cats’ fault that he added a new Dalmatian. They’d found the poor dog half-dead in the backyard. The grey old male with amber eyes, Adamas, kept watch while the other cat, Smudge, returned to the house and meowed until he came out to see what was going on. Once he saw the dog, a bond grew with phantom speed.”

0

Floofjury

Floofjury (floofinition) – a wound or wounds inflicted by a housepet; one or more judgemental housepet(s).

In use: “He rolled over. Arising from its sleep, his cat reared back and swatted across his face, leaving him with a bleeding floofjury.”

 

0

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑