Tag: humor

Roll-On

Showered, Briyen applied his Shaving roll-on and considered the next roll-ons as nanos removed his beard. Moving roll-on sticks like chess pieces, he set Youth and Charm up front but equivocated over his skin color. His natural color was an unflattering Flesh White, according to the consultants. He’d been Black once this week and Ebony twice. None of the Rainbow offerings appealed to him. His eyes roved over Teak, Latina, Hispanic, and Southern Europe, but his mind didn’t latch onto any until he saw SoCal Tan. That would work.

The Shaving done and enough time passed, he immediately put on Youth. A full body roll, that would would take longer to process. Sliding the Charm forward, he pondered Courage, Creativity, Confidence, and Imagination, and then decided, screw it, why not? He’d put them all on. It was dangerous because he was applying…one, two, three…five…eight? 

Eight. Shit. Last two times he’d applied eight roll-ons, he’d suffered the aptly-labeled crash, complete with scaly plaque psoriasis and an all-conquering headache. He’d been forced to apply the First Aid roll-on all friggin’ night. The next day had been endured without roll-ons. His hideous reflection had to be avoided. He’d been ravenous but mostly fasted, fearing side-effects. Naturally, he’d stayed inside and off cameras.

Not wanting to take those paths again, he put Courage and Imagination back. Six roll-ons would be good enough because even seven sometimes made him queasy, especially when it was supposed to be hot, as it was today, which meant, shit…he also needed Sun Protection & Cooling. Grimacing, he pulled the SP&C roll-on out and pushed the SoCal back. No tan today.

The Youth had already completed its work. Sagging and wrinkles were vanquished. His skin was tight, and his hair was fuller, thicker, and darker. Damn, he looked good. Humming, he finished up with the other roll-ons and set his timer for ten minutes. Couldn’t dress until enough time had been permitted – shit, didn’t wan to do that again, chuckling with rueful memory of how he turned out when he put clothes on too soon after the roll-ons. Never again, right? Right.

Finally, he was dressed and ready to roll. He took a few seconds to admire himself in the mirror and agreed with his private assessment that he looked damn fine for one hundred twenty-two years old. Hell, he didn’t look a day over twenty-two.

After favoring himself with a final approving grin, he headed for the door. Time to go write like crazy, at least one more time.

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Floof Row

Floof Row (floofinition) – part of a property or in a house frequented by lounging animals, particularly housepets.

In use: “The cats, dogs, kittens, and puppies made the guest room floof row, resigning Carrie to anticipation of a big clean once the foster animals were adopted.”

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Floofmiliar

Floofmiliar (floofinition) – 1. A housepet who is a close friend or associate to the people living in the house. 2 Housepets who are friends with one another. 3. A demon in the form of a housepet supposedly attending and obeying a witch.

In use: “Her miniature Collies were more than pets or friends, especially Gin-gin. Gin-gin was her floofmiliar, attending every mood and acting as a confidant. Gin-gin was trustworthy and dependable, and never told anyone the secrets that she knew.”

 

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Floofbot

Floofbot (floofinition) – a machine that waits on pets, completing menial tasks necessary for their care.

In use: “As she gave the dog another treat and prepared to take him for a walk, she said, “Sometimes I think you think I’m your floofbot.” The dog sat down and gave her a hurt look. She rushed to him and hugged his big neck, kissing his head. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.” Standing, the dog thumped his tale.”

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Hummingfloof

Hummingfloof (floofinition) – a small housepet that flits around at amazing speeds, often making a humming sound as it goes by.

In use: “Bruni excelled at going from the living room sofa to the front window and back, but the little brown hummingfloof was faster than sound when the refrigerator was opened or a package was opened.”

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Inflooftrate

Inflooftrate (floofinition) – an animals’ gradual, surreptitious access or entrance to gain trust or to take over a household or person.

In use: “He had no pets but he’d left a window open and a young cat had inflooftrated his house, sleeping in his favorite chair. When the cat saw him, he stood, stretched, jumped off the chair and ran over like he was greeting an old friend.”

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First Floof

First Floof (floofinition) – informal or ceremonial title given to the housepet which has preferential standing.

In use: “She’d always had cats. Daisy came to her when her son went to war and never returned. Showing remarkable intelligence — for a dog, in her opinion — Daisy quietly became her loyal First Floof and was by her side when she went to sleep and didn’t wake up, staying there until the police came on a welfare check.”

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