Gore Also Said
Less than Six Degrees
They — you know who they are — are always talking about how closely we’re connected. Here’s close for you. You cough from your chest, spewing out air, phlegm, and sputum, and at the same time, you fart, and a little urine squirts out of your urethra.
That’s connected.
Infloofstigate
Infloofstigate (floofinition) – a housepet’s study or observation by close examination and systematic inquiry.
In use: “Whenever the door opened, Capri began to infloofstigate by going to a safe distance, listening and sniffing, and then move closer, listening and sniffing, until she was in touching distance of the visitor. That was only the beginning.”
Floofview
Floofview (floofinition) – a housepet’s range or limit of authority, competence, responsibility, concern, or intention.
In use: “When it comes to floofview, few animals have taken it to Beth’s level. The large German Shepherd believed everything was within her floofview, especially new puppies and kittens who need care and help.”
Tit for Cat
I sat down on the toilet to do my morning thing. Instantly one of the three household cats graced me with his attention. One always does. Should I get in there and close the door before one arrives, a pitiful protest begins outside the door.
Boo wound himself back and forth against my legs while purring, meowing, and tossing glances at me. I said, “Will I never be allowed to do my business at home without one of you helping me? It’s irritating sometimes, you know. How would you like it if I petted you while you were in the litter box doing your business?”
I swear that his purr when up twenty decibels.
Daily Goals
“What are your goals today?”
It was the female without an accent asking. Accents and the apparent sexes their voices displayed were the only way of identifying the daily taskmasters. Identifying was a weak expression, as they remained nameless and without form.
He scratched and swallowed. He needed to get up and drink water but also pee. Was that ironic? No, coincident.
Goals. “I want to get up and pee.” That would get him no points but they didn’t remonstrate him. Still, sharp past responses made him moderate his approach.
“Write, of course,” he said.
“You always do that,” she said.
Did he imagine that she sighed? “Still counts,” he said.
Silence answered. They weren’t pleased.
He said, “Wash, vacuum, and gas the cars.”
A male overseer said, “Good,” with boredom as thick as flies on shit.
“Yard work.”
“Hmmm.”
“Finish reading a book.”
“Oh.” The female. “What book?”
“Donna Leon, The Waters of Eternal Youth”.
“Very good.” Happiness seemed to shower him. “That’s a good goal. Good luck.”
He was released. Opening his eyes, he sat up. Of all that he’d said, what would most count was reading the book. That was his number one priority. He was hungry and needed enough points to get a decent meal. He sensed that if he failed to read the book, they’d punish him.
Draining his bladder in the water closet, he snorted and chortled. His mind was a strange overseer.
Floofzing
Floofzing (floofinition) – napping in a semi-somnolent state, with senses alert for intrusions, threats, or someone eating something.
In use: “The floofzing cats’ ears turned when he drew a bag of granola from the cupboard, tuning into the sound as they napped and waiting to see what developed.”
Carpe floof
Carpe floof (floofinition) – the enjoyment of the pleasures of a housepet without concern for the future.
In use: “Much spring cleaning remained but the cats and dogs’ loving looks inspired a carpe floof mood, and she found herself with her pets on a chair in the sun, eating a pastry while reading a book.”
Haflooftia
Haflooftia (floofinition) – a housepet’s tragic flaw.
In use: “Cleo was generally a sweet tabby, but her haflooftia of sitting on the steps and preventing the dogs from going up and down almost led to her being re-homed.”
Michael Seidel, writer 