Tag: humor

Bent

He’d meet you with twinkling green eyes, a smile tugging his lips up, and a hand as large as a baseball mitt. Leaning forward, he’d announce, “Pleased to meet you. Hi, I’m Bent.” He always made it seem like meeting you was a special treat for him.

His full name was Bent E. Thompson. The E. was forever just a letter, and wasn’t fronting a name. A man so tall that he was always stooping through doorways, he’d never been in the military but he was as straight and hard as an iron fireplace poker.

Everyone agreed that Bent was as straight as anyone they’d ever met. Yet, after he passed, his swindles, frauds, and schemes started coming out like roaches sneaking out after the lights are turned off. It paralyzed people with disbelief. “Not Bent. Really? I don’t believe it. I’ll never believe it.”

Yet, the proof kept coming out. Funny enough, though, was the epitaph that Bent himself had chosen: “I’m Bent.”

Everyone was always wondering if it was a confession.

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Dilfloofpidated

Dilfloofpidated (floofinition) – furniture, rugs, carpets, and other household items rendered into partial ruin through a pet’s or pets’ activities.

In use: “Often, an outward sign that a pet resides within a house are dilfloofpidated screens.”

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Sunfur

Sunfur (floofinition) – Animal fur that’s heated by sunshine, revered for its soft heat and healing powers.

In use: “Papi bounced in with his habitual enthusiastic gallop, pausing against a calf to say hello and let his sunfur be stroked before morphing into an orange blur speeding away.”

 

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Keyfloof

Keyfloof (floofinition) – 1. Pet(s) or animals who insist on sleeping on computer keyboards or typewriters. 2. Pet who likes to steal and hide keys. 3. Pet who is given paramount consideration when any plans are being made.

In use: “It started with cat as a kitten. He was a keyfloof at three weeks old. It was so cute, that they permitted it to continue. Next, the parrot made it a habit to land and strut on the keyboard. Then the dog started trying to be a keyfloof – all seventy-two pounds of him.”

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Thrufloof

Thrufloof (floofinition) – Pet(s) who insist on being in the middle of whatever is going on, forcing everyone to go around them or work around them.

In use: “Whether by nature or association, all three pets were thrufloofs, with the beagle eagerly inspecting every piece of mail, bag, box, and shoe that came in, with the cats right alongside him, forcing everyone to walk carefully, lest a paw or tail get stepped on.”

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Eating Guide

Time for me to eat lunch. It’s a tougher choice with recent health issues (nothing major), being on meds (nothing major), and de-conflicting healthy choices, hunger, social justice, environmental issues, price, and convenience. To help make decisions, I created this handy matrix to help me decide. It’s so useful, I thought I’d share it, in case others are in a similar situation. You’re welcome!

(Okay, it is a lil’ bit o’ Friday snark. Forgive me.)

 

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Low Priority

Snark time.

We receive our credit card statement by old-fashioned (in this era – it was modern in another time, I swear) snail mail. A personal check is written to cover our charges, and then it’s mailed back, with a stamp. Each month, the credit card company then sends me an email, verifying that the payment has been received and the bill is paid. They also tell me, “Next time, quickly and easily pay your bill using any checking, money market, or savings account – at home or on the go – ”

Yes, because one BIG priority in my life is to PAY MY CREDIT CARD BILL MORE QUICKLY. Because that benefits me…how?

I think we know who benefits from paying my bill by an e-process or app more quickly, and it ain’t me and my wife.

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Floofmore

Floofmore (floofinition) – A forgotten muse, referred to as the tenth muse in ancient writings, associated with literature, poetry, dance, and music inspired or about animals. Floofmore was often later reduced to Floof, from which the modern popular term for animals is derived.

In use: “Scrolls associated with Virgil were uncovered. Some say that the scrolls were part of Book Three of the Aenid. In the scrolls, Floofmore’s influence on the wandering Aeneas was described, as was the jealousy by other muses caused by the rising admiration of animals, and the subsequent sacrifice Floofmore made to keep animals wild and free.”

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Flooftina

Flooftina (floofinition) – 1. A cafe or that caters to animals. 2. Slang for a home or household that caters to animals, particularly housepets. 3. The wear, tear, scratches, and rubbings that accumulate when pets live in a home.

In use: “A gentle flooftina — dark rubbings by a door jamb, clawed fabric on the sofa’s corner, scratch marks from a running animal on a hardwood floor — was evidence of that animals lived there. Indeed, three were asleep on furniture in the sunshine, partially raising their heads with drowsy to see who was looking at them.”

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