nothing seemed to motivate me
I did nothing special
ate nothing special
and got next to nothing done
except to write this
which is really nothing
happy National Nothing Day
2020
Saying Good-bye
It’s time. I didn’t want to face it, putting the reasonable off, but finally acquiescing to what needed to be done: I was replacing my Tilley hat.
I’ve had it for a number of years. Like a good companion, it’s with me all the time. I wear it all the time when walking and about ninety-five percent of the time when I’m outdoors.
It shows; the color has faded. Five inch horizontal rips gap along the crown’s front, nicely complimenting the small two inch vertical tears. I’ve taped them together.
The Tilley comes with a Guarantee-for-Life replacement policy. I went to their website and filled out the form. They responded within a few days.
Hello,
Thank you for submitting your request. We would be happy to help you with your Guaranteed for Life claim.
We do require some additional information to determine the eligibility of your item. Please reply to this email with 3 photos (.jpeg preferred as small a file as possible) of the following:
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- A photo showing the entire item
- A photo to clearly show the qualifying damage
- A photo of the inside label. This should show the words “Guaranteed for Life”
Once we receive these photos from you, we will review them and determine the eligibility of your item. You will receive an email from us within 2 business days with your next steps.
That was done. A few more days passed.
Then came their answer.
Thank you for submitting your photos. We have assessed your item and agree that it qualifies for the Guaranteed for Life Policy.
Your Guarantee Identification Number is RMA#G00665
Good news! You no longer have to return your item to us in order to get a replacement!
In order to complete your request, we require the following information:
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- Credit card information for shipping fee –
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- $12.00 CAD OR $9.50 USD $35.00 USD international . Your credit card will only be charged at the time of shipping.
- you may contact us at 1-800-363-8737 and leave your credit card number with any agent. Please use your RMA# as reference.
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- Proof of destruction Photos –
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- We must confirm that your old hat is no longer usable before we can honor a replacement hat.
- Please Write the RMA# clearly on the hat. If the hat is a dark colour, you may write the RMA# on a white piece of paper and include it in the photo
- Cut off the crown (The top part) of the hat.
- Take a photo of this so the removed crown and the RMA# are visible. Save as a .jpeg in the smallest size possible
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Once we have received your photos and credit card information, you order will then be processed. Please allow up to 2 weeks for your replacement hat to be shipped. We will email you once your order has shipped.
Destroy my hat? Shudders swept me as I read these words. Yet…yet…the time had arrived. The Tilley was failing. I needed a new hat.
So I took the Tilley for a final walk in the snow. After he dried out, the cats gathered. I played taps on Youtube, cut off the crown, and took the ghastly pictures.
The deed is done. Now I await my new hat.
Toilet-floof
Toilet-floof (floofinition) – Animal drawn toward toilets in a home, particularly when a human is using them.
In use: “Without fail, whenever Michael sat on the can, day or night, a toilet-floof appeared to verify what he was doing and try to get on his lap.”
Crumbs
Crumbs populated his keyboard, slipping between the keys, forcing him to ponder, what did I eat and when did I eat it?
That made him hungry. He attempted to pick some crumbs up for closer examination, and perhaps to taste — just for investigative reasons, of course (that one looked like it may have come off a chocolate-chip cookie) (when did he eat a chocolate chip cookie?) -but the crumbs fled his efforts like kittens scattering at a noise, undermining his investigative process.
It did promote a greater appetite (if he trusted the messages that his stomach was issuing). Nothing healthy was offered for sale here, and he didn’t want to leave to eat somewhere else. Therefore, his logic forced him into a less healthy choice, which turned out to be a raspberry scone.
It was just a one-time deal, he told himself, so it would do no lasting harm.
He blamed it on the crumbs.
Avante-floof
Avante-floof (floofinition) – The advance animals of a group.
In use: “Among the six Dutch shepherd puppies, two females, Eureka and Electra, were the avante-floof, coming out first to see what was going on or who had arrived.”
Floofhouse
Floofhouse (floofinition) – Location or home dedicated to providing a place of safety and companionship with and for animals.
In use: “Home to dozens of animals, many which were rescues, the small blue cottage on the corner up the hill became known as the floofhouse. It seemed like the sun was always shining there, giving many places for animals to play, doze, and groom.”
Floofdance
Floofdance (floofinition) – Dance conducted by animals, often to celebrate an event or in joyous response to the music that they hear.
In use: “Seeing snow for the first time, the gray kitten began a floofdance on the porch as the flakes floated down around him.”
Floofsient
Floofsient (floofinition) – An animal who stays in a place on a temporary basis or for a brief period.
In use: “People often bring animals in as floofsients, fostering, socializing, and protecting the animals as they heal. Sometimes the floofsients decide that they’ve found home, making it a foster fail.”
JOSWAF
JOSWAF (floofinition) – Joy Of Sleeping With A Floof.
In use: “JOSWAF offers many advantages, such as relaxing you more deeply, but on the flip side, JOSWAF also makes it more difficult to get out of bed.”
Floofcology
Floofcology (floofinition) – The branch of life that deals with the relations of animals with one another and to their surroundings.
In use: “Having seven counts, three dogs, a bird (and counting), they decided that one household member should be the minister of floofcology to track supplies and oversee the animals’ care. Although only eleven, Sabina immediately volunteered.”
Michael Seidel, writer 