Tag: humor

Profloofic

Profloofic (floofinition) – 1. A person or household with a large number of animals.

In use: “Birds, hamsters, guinea pigs, lizards, and turtles were all part of the profloofic household collection, along with the required cats and dogs, and a pig and goat, yet they were always ready to adopt more.”

2. Someone who champions or favors animals or animal rights over other priorities.

In use: “He’d decided, at last, that he was profloofic, that how people treat animals is the mark of our civilization and a bellweather for what matter happen in the future.”

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Neofloofic

Neofloofic (floofinition) – 1. Something that’s new to an animal.

In use: “The box was neofloofic for all the animals but that didn’t stop a march as all moved en floof to sniff it for evidence of its purpose and travels.”

2. Period when new animals first met humans after migrating to Earth.

In use: “Dogs and cats (who were thought to be domesticated by humans) arrived during the Neofloofic Wave and decided that conditioning people to take them in and care for them was easier than living as many other animals did, hunting others to eat while huddling for warmth, seeking shelter, and ensuring that they didn’t become the prey. Why seek new shelters when people were already building them?”

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Heard at the Door

A man was standing with two standard gray and white poodles. One was a head taller than the other.

A woman walking past said to the man, “Are your dogs related?”

He replied, “No, I adopted them.”

As both laughed, he apologized, explaining, “I’m sorry, but I just saw that on Facebook, and an urge to say it just seized me.”

 

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The Flirting

He approached the common table. Two young women were at one end. As they looked at him, he asked, “Do you mind if I occupy the other end?”

“No,” one said. Gesturing to a chair that was pulled out, she said, “Not at all. We already pulled out a chair for you.”

The other woman said, “We were just getting ready to go, anyway.”

Nodding as he began unpacking his gear, he said, “So you saw me coming, pulled out a chair, and prepared to go?”

Their laughter made him smile.

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“ZZ Floof”

“ZZ Floof” (floofinition) – American floof trio known for songs with lyrics laced with double entendres and innuendos.

In use: “ZZ Floof became multi-flooftinum recording artists with hits such as “Every Girl’s Crazy ‘Bout A Short, Fat Dog”, “Fur”, and “Gimme All Your Kibble”, just three of their many hits over the decades.”

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Variation

They’d been doing together since they were wed forty-two years ago. “Everything that we can do together, I mean, of course.” She felt some things weren’t possible, “But we tried to do everything together. We were never apart from one another for more than a day or two, maybe three, tops.” She’d been a nurse, but was now retired; he’d been, and was, a doctor.

Travel was required for her to visit her father. “Dad’s really well for ninety-three. It’s easy to forget he’s ninety-three because he looks so good and does so well. But he is ninety-three, so I worry about him. Especially since he’s down there and I’m up here. He’s a retired engineer, and very particular about his habits. Everything must be done certain ways. He eats the same foods for the same meals at the same times every day,  breakfast, lunch, and dinner. There’s no variation.”

But this was about her husband. “He didn’t want to go with me to Southern California. Dad always watches Fox News. He’s completely apolitical, he’s not a Trump supporter, doesn’t have a MAGA hat, or anything like that, but he watches Fox News all day long. Henry just didn’t want to go, and cited that as part of the reason. So I flew down there alone.

“I’d been down there for a week when I received a phone call from Henry. He was frantic.”

“I’m out of clean underwear,” he said.

“Well, wash some.”

“I would, but I don’t know where the detergent goes.”

“It goes in the drawer.”

“I can’t find the drawer.”

“When I thought about it, I realized that it was the longest that we’d ever been apart.”

When she returned, she discovered his clothes in the washer. They were moldy, wrinkled and almost dry. She thinks that Henry just tossed the soap on top of the clothes, wasn’t satisfied with the process, and just quit.

They haven’t spoken about it, yet, but he does have some new underwear.

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Floofschach Test

Floofschach Test (floofinition) – Process animals use to access new objects and creatures to determine the best response.

In use: “With many animals, the Floofschach Test begins with an alert glance and sharpened listening, followed by sniffing and a mental appraisal. Some, though, employ an abbreviated Floofschach Test, seeing something and deciding, nope, I’m gone.”

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“Floof Purple”

“Floof Purple” (floofinition) – Hard floof Flooflish band in 1968, credited as pioneers of heavy floof music.

In use: “Known for songs such as “Treats in the Water” and “Flooftrucking,” Floof Purple’s energetic blend of vocals, organ, guitar and drums introduced many young animals to new ventures in music.”

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Floof-effect

Floof-effect (floofinition) – 1. The weather impact on fur or feathers.

In use: “The air temperature was thirty-seven degrees but the sun was shining, so the floof-effect was fifty.”

2. Impact of an animal on a mood or atmosphere.

In use: “Everyone was quiet and pensive, waiting to see what happened, until the floof-effect of a cat sauntering in changed everything.”

 

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Flooftrodden

Flooftrodden (floofinition) – Oppressed or treated badly by an animal, parti”cularly a housepet.

In use: “She often felt flooftrodden as her big ol’ tom, Deadpool, jumped onto her abdomen, knocking her wind out of her with a big, “Oof,” or worse, stepping on a nipple when she was in bed. She loved him (he was very sweet), but the big fella, twenty pounds (and wasn’t all fluff), had no idea of what he was doing to her.”

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