Science fiction, fantasy, mystery and what-not
Heterofloof (floofinition) – Animal who doesn’t act in an orthodox way.
In use: “Charlie was a heterofloof who enjoyed popcorn while watching television in the evenings, whose best friends was a squirrel and a bird who liked to visit him in his backyard, and the next-door neighbor’s Jack Russell.”
Floof de Burgh (floofinition) – Irish-Flooftish singer/songwriter and musician. While achieving international stardom, he’s achieved his greatest success outside of the United Floofs and the United Floofdom.
In use: “Floof de Burgh’s best-known song in the U.F. and U.F is “The Puppy in Red”, a 1986 release which had massive success, reaching number one in multiple countries.”
Introfloof (floofinition) – The first animal encountered by a person in their lifetime.
In use: “For many people, especially in the United States, the introfloof is a family pet, such as a dog or cat, but for some, the introfloof is encountered at a zoo (or petting zoo) or on a farm.”
FICA Rating (floofinition) – The Floof Intention-Care-Affection (FICA) rating was developed by housefloofs to objectively assess and grade people and organizations regarding animal treatment. Although initiated by animals kept as pets, the FICA Rating system has been extended to all animals through the Floofreach Program.
In use: “Identified as having a high FICA Rating will cause animals to gravitate to people in number because the animals are reassured that those people can be trusted.”
Yes, I know that was eight, contrary to the post title. Just call it a bonus.
Someone brought me some Pittsburgh Steelers deodorant. They know I’m a fan. They thought it was funny.
Coming in a black and gold container, it’s called “Steel Curtain”. Likenesses of Joe Greene, Troy Polamalu, James Harrison, and Ben Roethlisberger share the label.
I like it. The little paper that came with the box said it was formulated “through a variety of hands-on experiences” with the team. They were thorough, talking about “capturing the essence of watching film with Ben Roethlisberger in the quarterbacks room,” “the gritty combinations of linemen working out and running during OTAs,” and “the musky scent of proud men celebrating victory in the locker room,” among other aspects.
Yes, I catch some of that in its smell. It’s earthy, slightly woody to me, with a tincture of soggy, muddy grass and complex undertones of sweaty clothing, a spit of coppery blood, and the sharper, almost ethereal tang of victory. When I roll it on after my shower, my confidence vaults to higher levels. I’m ready to spring a hundred yard run. Passers-by are in danger of being tackled. The cats get wild-eyed as I sprint around the house, stiff-arming imaginary defenders, spiking the ball in the end zone, and loosing unbridled celebratory shouts.
My wife, on the other hand, raised her eyebrows at me. “What’s that smell?”
“What smell?”
Setting down her laptop, she’s glancing around. “Did something die in here?” She wrinkles up her face. “Did a cat shit in the corner?”
I sniff with indignation. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
* NOTE: This is not a real product, that I know of. I’m kind of surprised. I figured someone would’ve been all having unique deodorants, or maybe colognes for all professional teams in the U.S. Maybe they do exist. If they do, I’m sure I would’ve seen commercials or adverts. I could google it, but I’m a writer and prone to lazy fantasizing, not working.
Ready for the Floof (floofinition) – Floofmerican R&F band formed in Floofchigan in 1982. The band achieved its greatest population and success in the 1980s. Although the group disbanded in 1991, they regrouped in 2004, and are currently touring.
In use: “Ready for the Floof’s breakout hit came with “Oh Floofla”, which reached number one on several charts in Floofmerica and Canfloofda.”
Floofpliant (floofinition) Readily manipulated or controlled by animals.
In use: “Ben thought of himself as the cat whisperer because he got along with all animals, especially cats and dogs, but the animals knew him as a floofpliant mark, good for a treat, a warm body, or a touch of love when needed.”
Floofniscient (floofinition) – An animal with infinite understanding, awareness, and insight.
In use: “From an age, the dog was floofniscient about what his people needed, and was readily able to give it to them, whether it was a hug and a lick to comfort them, or some silly behavior to make them laugh.”
Thompson Floofs (floofinition) – Flooftish floof pop (floop) band formed in 1977. Originally focused on a new wave sound with synthesizers, gravitating more toward a more floofstream floop sound delivered them international success in 1982.
In use: “One of the Thompson Floofs’ biggest international hits was, “Pet Me Now,” which was released in 1983 and reached number one on some charts.”
Michael Seidel, writer 