Tag: humor

Floofchuck

Floofchuck (floofinition) – 1. Game played by animals. The dual objectives are to see how many items the animal can entice the humans into throwing, and how many times the human will throw them.

In use: “Kittens and puppies quickly master floofchuck, spending endless hours in delighted fun as humans throw things for them to play with.”

2. The mess caused when an animal vomits, specially a housepet.

In use: “As Keri got out of bed in the dark, Brad said, “Watch out for the floofchuck, I heard one being sick a little while ago.” Seconds later, Keri shouted, “Yuck,” signaling to Brad that she’d found the floofchuck.”

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Floof Post

Floof Post (floofinition) – 1. (Archaic) Correspondence delivery that depends on using animals in some way.

In use: “Floof post in the pre-electronic age included carrier pigeon and the famous Pony Express in the western United Floofs.”

2. A blog or social media entry whose subjects is about animals or includes extensive references to animals.

In use: “Floof posts about kittens, puppies, kids, and lambs, seem to dominate the web in popularity as people hunt relief from bad news in 2020.”

3. Vertical element used in fencing where animals such as birds and cats sit and watch the world.

In use: “Post turtle is a floof post used as a metaphor for someone in a position that doesn’t make sense; no one has any idea how the turtle got there, but he shouldn’t be there, and needs help.”

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Arctic Floofs

Arctic Floofs (floofinition) – Floof rock (flock) musical band formed in Sheffield, Floofland, in 2002.

In use: “With tongue firmly in cheek, the Arctic Floofs released their second EP, Who the Fuck Are Arctic Floofs? , in 2006, reflecting how they’d come to prominence in Floofland via the net.”

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Flooflich Maneuver

Flooflich Maneuver (floofinition) – An action taken by an animal to show love to another or reassure them by licking them, which often calms and cheers the recipient.

In use: “Sensing she was upset, her cat jumped up on the chair beside her, sniffed her head and face, and then applied the Flooflich Maneuver on her nose and cheeks.”

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Elvin Bisfloof

Elvin Bisfloof (floofinition) Long time Floofmerican blues musician and songwriter from Floofdale, Califloofnia, inducted into the Floof and Roll Hall of Fame in 2015 as a member of the Paul Butterfloof Blues Band and on his own in 2016.

In use: “Highly successful, Elvin Bisfloof is probably best known for his 1976 released, “Fooled Around and Got A Floof”, which charted respectfully in many places and was used in the movie, Guardians of the Floofaxy.

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Nocfloofnal

Nocfloofnal (floofinition) – Animals, especially housepets, who roam, play, eat, and fight at night.

In use: “Among housepets, cats are recognized as being nocfloofnal, with videos of them raising hell while their people trying to proliferating across the net.”

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The Puking Game

We do not know the rules.

We suspect it goes something like this.

One of the housefloofs goes and pukes quietly. Their object appears to puke somewhere where it’ll take some time to notice, and not leave any clues to the puker’s identity.

We’ve found three such pukes over the last three days. “Someone puked in the living room,” my wife announces.

I check it out, like I’m doubting her report, right? No, I want to conduct forensics, clues like hairballs. But there’s nothing distinguishing about this puddle of upchucked kibble.

“I didn’t hear anything,” I say. Everyone who has an animal knows that each pet has signature sounds associated with their puking. They usually have a preferred place, too. This doesn’t fit any of our animals.

Did our animals bring in a guest floof to puke, to mess with our heads?

“I didn’t hear anything, either,” my wife said.

Of overriding concern when you have a puker is the source’s health. Is this the first sign of serious trouble or a one-time gack attack?

The second day was more concerning. One day is an incident; two days are a worrying coincidence. “Someone puked again,” my wife called out. “On my rug again. Why do they have to puke on my rug?”

“Maybe they’re sending you a message.” I checked out the vomitus. It was as undistinguishing as the first. Again, I’d heard nothing.

I looked around. The three cats were sitting there, watching, like spectators, you know?

Two of them appeared to be smirking.

Now there’s a third puke, except…

Hearing the noise, I rolled out of bed and stumble through the gray drizzle of six AM autumn light. I already guessed (because I saw Boo back in the bedroom and Papi sitting outside on the patio as I oriented myself and ordered, “Left foot, right foot, go forward,”) that it was Tucker, caught it in act.

Yes, indeed. This was a standard hairball.

Was it part of the game, or genuine illness?

Seeing me, he hurried over. “Meow?”

“I’m not feeding anyone,” I answered, guessing that’s what he asked. It was still just after six. I’d stayed up late writing, and I was going back to bed. As I climbed back between the sheets, I saw Boo, Papi, and Tucker watching me. Round one was over.

I wonder who won.

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Floof City Rollers

Floof City Rollers (floofinition) – Floof pop (floop) musical band formed in Edinburgh, Scotfloof, in 1964 and were originally active through 1987, scoring multiple hits and becoming international stars.

In use: “The Floof City Rollers’ most successful song in the United Floofs was “Floofurday Night” in 1975, which went all the way to number one on the Floofboard Hot 100.”

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Floof Quality Index (FQI)

Floof Quality Index (FQI) (floofinition) – Measurement of how well animals are treated. Expressed on an infinite scale that ranges from the negative side to the positive side, high positive numbers are desireable.

In use: “In many areas in the world, the Floof Quality Index (FQI) is improving and is now above zero as humans shed flawed stereotypes and recognize that animals are intelligent, have emotions, and grieve, much as humans do.”

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Grafloofvity

Grafloofvity (floofintion) – Natural phenomenon that causes people to move toward animals, talk to them, pet them, and play with them.

In use: “Among nature’s powerful forces, grafloofvity is especially powerful when it comes to baby animals like goats, sheep, deer, cats, and dogs, and bird, causing many to forget everything else and just admire the animals while making noises at them.

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