Science fiction, fantasy, mystery and what-not
His wife, as she sometimes does, came in and said, “Just making sure you’re alive,” and then left for the gym.
It’s something she’s been doing for a few years. But he’d recently stayed with his mother, who twice told him that she was going to send someone down to his room to see if he was alive when he visited her.
Just what kind of vibe was he giving off to others that they wondered if he was still alive?
Everyone was worried about putting their trash cans out by the curb the night before pickup because of bears.
But most people’s trash cans are stored by the side of their house. Some are behind wooden fences, no doubt a robust protection against a bear (yeah, that’s snark). A bear can get these cans just as easily there as on the street, waiting for the trash collector. If they’re really concerned about bears getting into trash cans, they need to do a lot more than delay putting them out until the morning.
Floofbucks (floofinition) – 1. Money set aside to pay for things such as provisions, food, care, and toys planned for animals.
In use: “During an economy when inflation threatens spending plans and savings, many people become more mindful of their floofbucks because they need to keep their fur buddies healthy, fed, and happy.”
2. Black-market currency used by animals to buy favors and information from other animals.
In use: “Stray cats and dogs often scrounge for floofbucks by trading whatever they find to other animals, then using the floofbucks to buy information about houses where humans are known to be easy touches for animals.”
He finished reading an article on a Tampa Bay news site. At the end of the article was something he’d never before seen: a button to report typos.
Impressed, he nodded. Many sites would benefit from such a button. They could also use a button to report grammar and punctuation errors.
Hell, his own modest site would do with those buttons.
Execflooftive (floofinition) – Animal is who part of management or shares in the decision-making process.”
In use: “Quite often, people will include their pets in their decision making, asking the animals, ‘What do you think I should do’, for example. But that often leads to the animals assuming they have execflooftive privileges to eat what they want, sleep wherever desired, and do whatever impulse seizes them.”
Helifloof (floofinition) – An animal, particularly a pet, who pays close attention to another being, often a human.
In use: “The rescued puppy gained energy after a few days of care, showing a curious and playful nature while developing into a helifloof who was there for everything from people’s bathing to their eating and sleeping.”
*throat is cleared*
He has a small, really tiny rant today. Websites like to entice him with a headline. While he reads that article, a video plays about the same article. Then, though, another video about a different article begins.
Seriously, WTF? It’s chaotic and annoying. They must think we’re children, running around, high on sugar and caffeine, too buzzy to pay attention.
He has the bug. It overtook him without warning and is as insistent and annoying as a mosquito visiting his ear canal. Acknowledging what must be done, he goes into his closet and begins pulling out clothes and trying them on. Yes, they’re his clothes, and not his wife’s – not that there’s anything wrong with that. Just a point of order.
First to be tried on is the flight suit that he last wore over thirty years ago. Does not fit, he finds. Hell, it can’t ever be tugged over his shoulders without his spouse’s help. It’s surprising how much it’s shrunk since he last put it on. He keeps his Air Force service dress uniform out of nostalgia, even though it also shrank.
Business suits are next. He formerly wore a lot of them during his time in marketing but hasn’t put one on for almost twenty years. They have also shrunk. He makes a mental note to google why some closets make clothes shrink. Maybe it’s the way he’s storing them or something. Jeans, pants, and shirts are pulled out, tested, and put into neat piles. In an hour, he’s collected three towers of clothes which have shrunk. He’ll donate them to charities.
The shrinking worries him, though. Maybe he should move his other clothes somewhere else before they shrink.
Yes, maybe, he decides.
Maybe.
Floofdunnit (floofinition) – An investigative effort to uncover what animal was behind an act.
In use: “Many pet owners with more than one floof will experience classic floofdunnits such as which creature stole their food, knocked over the trashcan, tore up a plant, or redistributed a cushion’s contents.”
The organized chaos of commercial air travel reminded him of several things. Number one, always read the fine print. When he bought his ticket, he also bought a seat for a few extra dollars, reasoning, he’d never seen anyone standing up for an entire flight. What he didn’t see anywhere in the seat description was that the seat he selected didn’t recline. He found that out the day before, when he reviewed his flight details.
Naturally, he entertained getting a seat for the five plus hour flight. Several were available for an extra $130. Being one that often spites himself to prove a point, he refused to buy one.
He was sure, though, someday the airlines would figure out a way to start charging for air.
Michael Seidel, writer 