Science fiction, fantasy, mystery and what-not
Floofmencement (floofinition) – An act, instance, or time of beginning an experience with, or engaging with, an animal.
In use: “With many people, floofmencement began with looking into an animal’s eyes. From in there, people grasped love, pain, sadness, hope, among other emotions, and took it on themselves to be with and help this creature.”
Befloofed (floofinition) – The animal to whom one is completely and solely committed in a monofloof relationship.
In use: “She would’ve enjoyed having another rescue cat in her home, even two more, but Flash made it clear that they were befloofed and wasn’t interested in an open relationship with any other animals, or people.”
Floofargy (floofinition) Animal state of indifference.
In use: “The cats heard the noises in the other room, but it was early afternoon, it didn’t seem threatening (and it was in the other room, and it didn’t sound like food might be involved), and they were comfortably napping, so…floofargy winning, the cats stretched their toes, shifted their heads, and resumed their slumber.”
Floofrupter (floofinition) – Something that interrupts an animal’s normal routines, activities, or processes.
In use: “Everything was quiet, and the cats were grooming themselves after eating, when a floofrupter in the form of a large ginger cat not seen before showed up at the glass patio door.”
Floofpede (floofinition) – A sudden rush of animals.
In use: “The doorbell rang, and the floofpede for the safety of other rooms was on.”
Floofarazzi (floofinition) – Photographer who take pictures and videos of animals.
In use: “Upon acquiring new cell phones, many people become floofarazzi, taking and sharing photos of animals (especially pets) looking cute, sleeping, eating, fighting, washing, etc., whatever they saw their pet doing, posting the results on social media.”
Jigfloof (floofinition) – 1. Animal who helps complete a jigsaw puzzle.
In use: “Once the pieces were put on a table, a jigfloof arrived to join the effort.”
2. An animal whose place in one’s life provides a sense of being whole.
In use: “She hadn’t been prepared for a dog, let alone a big dog, but her friend’s final words put the burden on her. He turned into a jigfloof, providing a piece to her life that she didn’t know was missing.”
Photo: Tucker, the house jigfloof, helping us put together a puzzle that came as a holiday gift. (He refused to to look up at the camera. It’s a principle thing. The first principle is that he’s a cat and doesn’t do anything asked of him. The second thing is that he can’t stand floofarazzi.)
Golden Floof (floofinition) – 1. An animal colored or shining like gold.
In use: “Sunshine bounced off the five retrievers, making them seem like golden statues sitting on the lawn in the still morning air.”
2. Annual award presented to animals representing the best in multiple categories.
In use: “Dieter was pleased and proud when his tiny terrier took home Golden Floof Awards for loudest bark in a small dog and most dramatic bark, validating his belief that Rodger’s bark (he was named after the quarterback) was different.”
3. (slang) Expression to refer to an animal that seems to do things right.
In use: “He was lucky with Penny, his copper and black calico. Unintrusive, confident, friendly, and loving, she seemed like a golden floof.
Taxofloofmic (floofinition) – Concerned with animals’ classification and categorization of matter and events.
In use: “In simple taxofloofmic processing, animals first considered the originating dimension of what they encountered, then its planet of origin, and then its relationship with humans, and how humans might want or expect the animal to normally behave. Few of humans’ preconceptions about animals supported ideas like animals were far more advanced than humans or from other planets or dimensions. Humans were too ignorant (or narrow-minded) to understand these things, and animals were maintaining the subterfuge until humans advanced sufficiently to understand.”
As the dream starts, my wife and I are in bed. I’ve awakened but she’s asleep. Gray light slipping through the upper windows makes me believe that it’s early morning. Cats are up and want fed. I oblige.
My neighbor comes in. I’m surprised and confused, wondering how he got in and why he’s there now. He’s apologizing for his behavior (no, not for coming in, but for other things). Not invested in that at the moment — it’s early, I haven’t had my coffee, and the cats are clamoring for attention — I basically try to dismiss him and get him back out. Then he asks to use our bathroom because his girlfriend is asleep in his place and he doesn’t want to wake her. I work out with a glance around that ‘his place’ is a door off the my living room. I don’t understand that arrangement at all. Concluding that his girlfriend is asleep in there, I close the door. He comes out of my bathroom, goes over, and opens that door again, explaining that he needs to keep an eye on her.
My wife awakens and joins me. I attempt to explain what’s going on, but things are becoming more chaotic by the second. Sunshine is streaming through the windows. I’m hungry. I go to find food. Before I can, others interrupt me.
The next thing I know, I’m outside of the house in a hilly, bushy terrain, and I’m putting up signs. They’re simple signs, white heavy cardboard on slender pieces of pointed, cut wood. I don’t know what the signs say; they seem to change as I look at them. Sometimes, I find that the signs that I’ve put up have been pulled out of the ground or aren’t there, exasperating the hell out of me. It’s like I’ll never finish.
Meanwhile, I notice that there’s food under bushes and trees — pancakes, wraps, burritos, sandwiches. Debating about whether I should pick them up as garbage, I decide to leave them there for animals to eat. As I continue rushing around, putting up signs, I encounter friends. None of these people is anyone that I know. Some complain that when I’m putting up signs, I’m in their way. They want me to move. I protest, why should I be the one to move? I need to put up these signs. Yes, I’m told, but it’s easier for you to pause, move aside, and let us go on, and then resume. I agree, just to end the stalemate.
I notice that the food under the bushes isn’t being touched. I thought birds or animals would’ve tone after it, then shrug it off.
My hunger has increased. Hearing music, I realize that a Beatles song is playing. As the melody flows, I recognize “With A Little Help From My Friends”. I don’t know where it’s coming from. Setting the signs aside, I think, I am so hungry, I must find something to eat. As I do, a woman at a neighboring house opens her front door and steps out onto her porch. “I’m making spaghetti,” she declares in a loud voice. “Who wants some?”
“I do,” I answer as others say, “Me.” We rush her house.
The dream ends.
Michael Seidel, writer 