Floofsession (floofinition) – 1. Someone who has an inordinately passionate fixation about animals.

In use: “Her effort to rescue one puppy become a floofsession to find, help, and rehome strays and abused animals.”

2. A visit focused on seeing or socializing with animals.

In use: “Petting zoos are an effective floofession for young children, giving them access to different animals under supervised conditions.”

3. An object or activity which keeps an animal’s attention.

In use: “With birds and squirrels busy in the backyard, the cats and dogs all developed a floofsession for looking out the back window.”

The Floof Commandments

The Floof Commandments (floofinition) – 1. The list of instuctions/guidance people give to animals about they want the animals to do, or not to do.

In use: “Whenever he let a cat out, he issued the Floof Commandments to be safe, be smart, stay out of the street and watch out for cars and trucks, don’t fight, stay close, and keep back soon.”

2. The instructions/guidance animals provide to people about what they want people to do, or not to do, and what the animals expect to be permitted to do.

In use: “The cat had firmly issued the Floof Commandments when she arrived: when you sit, she’ll take your lap (unless you’re on the computer, in which case, she wants the keyboard), the bed is hers (but if you’re nice, you can share it), all food belongs to her, and you’d better keep paying attention to her…or else!”


Dysfloofia (floofinition) – The inability to understand or relate to animals, especially pets.

In use: “The root cause of dysfloofia is often a faulty belief that animals don’t have a soul, are ignorant and unthinking beasts, or that they don’t have feelings.”


Floofvocate (floofinition) – 1. A person who pleads causes for animals before others.

In use: “More floofvocates are rising, speaking out against animal cruelty, whether its agribusiness and slaughterhouses, puppy mills, or big game hunters who senselessly kill animals as sport.”

2. Among housepets, to promote receiving a share of meal or snack, a reward, or special treatment through behavior geared toward making humans surrender.

In use: “When Sally made a sandwich, her cat and dog sat down beside her, floofvocating their hope for a share with large, imploring eyes. Naturally, she — again, and as usual — gave in.”


Floofsolution (floofinition) – 1. Act of forgiving an animal for a sin or bad behavior.

In use: “Even though the cat had once again knocked over the trash can and picked through it, she scolded him but then gave floofsolution, because he had such a damn cute face and deep purr.”

2. A remedy adopted for the betterment of an animal’s existence or comfort.

In use: “The dog loved eating popcorn, so the only floofsolution was to make enough for the dog, too, and ensure it was safe for him to eat.”


Floofpliant (floofinition) Readily manipulated or controlled by animals.

In use: “Ben thought of himself as the cat whisperer because he got along with all animals, especially cats and dogs, but the animals knew him as a floofpliant mark, good for a treat, a warm body, or a touch of love when needed.”


Grafloofvity (floofintion) – Natural phenomenon that causes people to move toward animals, talk to them, pet them, and play with them.

In use: “Among nature’s powerful forces, grafloofvity is especially powerful when it comes to baby animals like goats, sheep, deer, cats, and dogs, and bird, causing many to forget everything else and just admire the animals while making noises at them.


Floofosis (floofinition) – Uncomfortable or contorted body positions that result in stiffness or pain, caused by staying still for long periods so that an animal isn’t disturbed.

In use: “He hadn’t planned to sit so long and already felt floofosis settling into his backside, but his dog was so happy on his lap and looked so damn sweet, he couldn’t bring himself to disturb the canine’s snoring repose.”

A Truth

My wife revealed a truth about myself that I didn’t know. I said, “Have you tasted the potato salad?”

She answered, “No, what’s wrong with it?”

“That’s a weird response.”

“Well, that’s what you say when you don’t like something or think it tastes funny.”

“Do I?” She was right. When I like something, I just say that. But when I don’t like something, I seek validation that someone else doesn’t like it.

I liked the pot salad, though. Was this then an exception to my approach to food, a new beginning, or just the way it’s always been, unnoticed among my general idiosyncrasies?


Floofpendent (floofinition) – A psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by an animal.

In use: “She wanted to travel more but lived with a man who was floofdependent. They could (and did) take the Jack Russell (Joey) with them, but the cats (Oswald, Jorge, and Truthiness) always needed a carer whenever anything more than an overnighter was planned.”

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