Purpose

It’s the best kind of day when I start out and have a purpose. The purpose can be born out of anything – writing, walking, hiking, cleaning, organizing, or whatever. But to have that sitting in my mind, “Yes, today is the day I am going to do this,” is powerfully rewarding to me. Because my energy is already aimed toward a target, my mind is engaged, and my will is determined.

Time to write like crazy, at least one more time. Unleash the insanity.

Today’s Theme Music

“You’re flirting with disaster,” people have told me just about all of my life.

To me, they’re saying, “You’re taking a risk.”

You betcha. Take a risk. Tug on Superman’s cape, pee in the wind…no; those are not flirting with disaster.

Flirting with disaster is about assessing a situation’s intangibles and variables and deciding, “I can do this. I can make this happen.” Others’ impressions that you’re flirting with disaster is more about their state of mind than it is about the situation.

Everything I write seems to be flirting with disaster – which, as an assessment, is about my state of mind. But that’s why we have editing and delete buttons.

Here is Molly Hatchet’s ‘Flirtin With Disaster’, from 1979. It’s a good theme song to hum as you walk the day and make decisions.

A Vicious Compulsion

A question often asked between writers is, why do you write? Strangely, I don’t encounter it from non-writers. Non-writers seem to understand that I’m a writer. Writers (and potential writers) want to understand why.

The flip answer is that I must. I’m compelled by nature or desire. Sometimes I think it’s an escape and an addiction. Writing about other characters, worlds and situations permits fight from my life blues. Those are shallow answers.

In truth, I follow a few cycles. One cycle is that I enjoy reading. Reading entertains and educates me. Reading fertilizes thought and wonder and introduces me to new mysteries and solutions, and helps me keep growing. Reading is enjoyable, and I admire writers that can tell stories. I want to emulate them. So that cycle is that I read and I want to be like those who wrote what I read, so I write, and then I read more.

The second cycle cascades from that first cycle. The thought, that would be an interesting story initiates the second cycle. Headlines, images, comments, trends and observations all trigger that simple five word thought engine.

‘That’ is often just a concept, though. Behind the concept are complicated questions to link it all together through words. The questions are about characters, motivations, situation, setting, and dive into emotional and logical issues of the story, and then dealing with the novel challenges of pacing, structure, arcs, climax, denouement, along with grammar and punctuation, and ‘truth’. The story must be truthfully told in that it must be faithful to the premise created and the established parameters. If I’m going to lie to the reader to create an ending, I have to establish early that I’m lying. This is the gospel that I developed as a reader who was disgusted after discovering the writer lied to me, or left something out, or didn’t really end the story.

All of this requires thinking. Gosh, I love thinking, especially the abstract thinking embraced in the promise of, “What if…?”

It’s this process that compels me to write. Once a character merges into my thinking, and their situation and setting evolve, it’s difficult to just dismiss them. I prefer embracing them and asking all the questions about them and what’s happening, pursuing them until this mystery is resolved and told in a story.

I suppose I can think through those things without writing it down or typing it up. (In a Steven Wright aside, why do we ‘write down’ but ‘type up’?) To put that another way without the distraction of those expressions, I suppose I can think through those matters without recording outcomes. Perhaps this is where the compulsion actually begins, to add the answers to these questions to the stories being told.

Sipping coffee, my preferred stimulant, and reflecting anew on the process and compulsion, I grasp how I see it as a painting. I grew up drawing pictures, sketching and later painting, breaking off from career paths involving art because everything I created was too mundane and traditional. Now I can glance back and understand that I was impatient and restless. Whereas I should have attempted new directions, I merely stopped and sought other creative avenues. In writing, though, I’ve found the challenge to improve and find new directions to be invigorating and stimulating, puzzles to be solved.

In a sense, puzzles summarize what it’s all about for me. I enjoy Sudoku and logic problems, and when I was employed or in the military, I enjoyed solving problems, and organizing processes. Writing envelopes all of these facets for me.

After that writing and thinking, then, I come back to the kernel of my personality that I tried denying, that I write because I must, because I need a creative outlet. Were it not writing, it would need to be something else.

It is a compulsion.

So here I am, at the computer again with my QSM, ready to write like crazy…one…more…time.

Today’s Theme Music

One heart, so many ways for it to be broken. When it breaks, you think, “That’ll teach you. You should learn your listen. I’ll never love again. I’ll never trust them again. It’ll never be the same again.”

The broken heart comes from believing and trusting in something or someone – a cause, a hope, a dream, a love. When your heart breaks, the pain echoes through time and fiber, never truly healing, but scabbing and developing scar tissue. Even then, sometimes you conclude, “I’m over it,” but when you let yourself consider your broken heart and its circumstances, you discover, “No. I’m not over it.” And you wonder, “Will I ever be over it?”

I’m a walking classic rock stereotype, so here is Led Zeppelin’s ‘Heartbreaker’.

Hungry Today

My wife and I are on day eight of the ten day green smoothie cleansing fast. I’ve modified mine for my writing needs, permitting myself my mochas. Purists will be disgusted that I’m allowing myself sugars, milk, coffee and chocolate. I accept their umbrage. My weakness humbles me. I’m disgusted, too. But I need to write and this is part of it. That’s a shameful confession.

Other than that, I’ve been dealing okay with the smoothie fast. We are allowed raw vegetables, nuts and seeds as a snack on it. This is my third time this year doing it with my wife. Three days were endured the first time (for me, while she went for forty-one), five days the second time (she went for ten). Now I’m going for ten with her. It’s been cool so far but suddenly, today, I’m hungry. Pizza, sandwich and pastry visions are torturing me.

Meager strength comes from recognizing this is my choice. I’m doing it to support my wife. She suffers RA. Foods create imbalances, and imbalances cause flares of pain, inflammation and stiffness. That’s just the surface stuff. Other things are happening under the skin, heightening stress and anxiety, because we don’t know what will manifest itself next.

It’s cleansing for me, too, and I need cleansed. I’ve had a typical American middle-aged diet of too much processed food for too long and celebrating too frequently and too much. Then I erred and ate the same thing everyday. That is not actually good. Although my breakfast meal of choice was organic oatmeal with walnuts, and blueberries or other fruit and berries, that extended diet (I followed it for over a decade) caused digestive problems. My body needs variety to stay balanced.

Of course, it’s bizarre and ironic but appropriate that we have people starving elsewhere, searching for anything to eat to sustain themselves while we pursue this smoothie fast. Appropriate because this is the state of the world, isn’t it?

Ironic, too, that I write about having the same diet everyday and sit here, drinking my customary quad shot mocha. Not ironic, but pathetic, yes? The day may change but the saboteur is often me damaging myself despite my self-awareness. And damages aren’t limited to what I eat and drink, but thoughts born of low self-esteem, waning self-confidence and worldly weariness.

So I’m hungry, hungry for change. The fast and those cravings are symptoms of a deeper malaise. Author, fix thyself.  Continue reading “Hungry Today” →

Today’s Theme Music #2

Consideration of my state doubled me back through a labyrinth of realizations and understanding. I set fire to a few things and watched the ashes of those spirits take to the eddying winds.  Then I set off to find a new place in the labyrinth of being. Once I did, I needed different music. Here is the song that volunteered itself.

Lynyrd Skynrd, ‘They Call Me the Breeze’.

Today’s Theme Music

A depressing dream has pillaged my enthusiasm and burned my energy. Rising to face the tedium of repeating yesterday’s activities just like I did yesterday and on through a hall mirroring hundreds of yesterdays and tomorrows, I thought, “Yeah, you go back, Jack, do it again.”

So here it is, another throwback. Steely Dan’s ‘Do It Again’. 

The Good Fight

Some mornings, you got no get up for the good fight.

You’ve been fighting the good fight so long, beginning when you were just little and didn’t understand what they meant by the good fight.

Now you’ve been fighting it across decades of living and you wonder if you ever understood what was meant by the good fight.

You look out toward the horizon and all you can see is a lifetime remaining of fighting the good fight.

The horizon don’t seem to get no closer.

You wonder what other people are fighting, and if you’re all fighting the good fight, who you fighting against?

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