Saturday’s Bumper Sticker
Fanfloofulous
Fanfloofulous (catfintion) – an extraordinary cat; a cat of mythic abilities; resembling or referring to a cat in fables.
In use: “The Siamese’s ability to consistently climb up three floors on the side of a brick apartment building to reach her balcony and go inside lifted descriptions of Pearl from amazing to fanfloofulous.”
Cat Club
Remember, the first rule of Cat Club is, don’t step on, lay on, or sit on the cats.
The second rule of Cat Club is, keep the cats fed.
The third rule of Cat Club is, don’t sniff anything that you pick up from the floor. Just get rid of it and wash your hands.
Magna cum Floof
Magna cum Floof (catfintion) – with great cat.
In use: “Moving into her new home was a procession. She was at the head, magna cum floof, with a giant orange Maine Coon resting in her arms.”
Editing Note: Had to do it because, you know, some people are confused by the word, cum. We can’t allow ignorance like that to continue to survive.
Catermand
Catermand (catfinition) – to stop a feline from doing something by issuing an order.
In use: “When he issued the catermand, “Leave my food alone,” the cat stopped, gave him a look, and hunkered down to wait. As soon as he turned his back, the cat advanced on the sandwich and began nibbling. Smelling turkey and hearing the man shout, “Hey,” the cat freed a piece of turkey from between two slices and leaped off the table and into flight.”
Clicking
Don’t you hate it when you click on a button or link on a webpage, and nothing happens, so you click, and click, and click, and then dozens of pages suddenly explode open?
You don’t? Well, la-di-da. Good for you.
Bot-tender
I followed my robot vacuum around today. Using it for spot-cleaning, I’d move it, turn it on, and then stand over it like a football coach on OTAs. “Move left,” I’d tell it. “Get that fur. Come on, pick it up, pick it up. That’s it. Good job.”
Doing this presented me with a feeling that I was cleaning, but I also felt empowered. I controlled the bot.
Maybe, too, I was seeing the future. Robots and automation are taking over more jobs each day, with plans for greater shifts on the near-horizon. But bots and automation might require intervention and guidance, as my Roomba does. We may have a new job category opening, bot-tender.
It could be the hot new thing, but I don’t think it’ll pay much.
Older
I’ve noticed that as I’ve grown older, the span of years among my friends is much greater. I have several good friends who are older than my parents. That enlivens some conversations when I say, “Mom is getting older.”
I struggle with imagining having a friend who was twenty-five years older than me when I was, say, five, but if I wrote a novel about it, I’d probably call it, Her Oldest Friend.
Floofvine
Floofvine (catfinition) – of or related to a feline deity; supremely catlike.
In use: “With carefully created ears and a long, floofy tail that twitched back and forth, her orange and white Halloween costume was floofvine.”
Sizzle
Have you noticed that the world is sizzling more?
No, this isn’t a climate change post about the world’s increasing average temperatures, melting and disappearing glaciers, rising sea levels, and more frequent and violent storms. We can’t do anything about that, so let’s not talk about it.
I’m talking about marketing sizzle. We can’t do anything about it, either, but many people are already talking about climate change. Not many are talking about the marketing sizzle.
The sizzle comes from that expression, “You don’t sell the steak, you sell the sizzle.” Most companies are selling sizzle. We called it vaporware in the software business. It’s the stuff they tell you is so frigging miraculous that you won’t believe you ever did without it, the stuff that rarely lives up to the promise.
Television shows are big on selling the sizzle. “It’s the most mind-blowing episode ever! You won’t want to miss it!” They’re not usually the most mind-blowing episodes ever to me. I can usually get up during the show, go make a sandwich, feed the cats, and answer the phone, come back and find that I’ve missed nothing of substance, only a little sizzle.
Television is a sizzle pioneer, but all the companies are catching on that they’ve got to sell the sizzle. “Look how fast our car is,” many commercials claim, showing people grinning from ear-to-ear as they race through a city like Jason Bourne escaping his government buddies. “Look how much fun it is to drive! Look how free this people feel.” Weird how there’s no other cars in that city.
Beer and soda commercials aren’t slouches when it comes to selling sizzle. They now love to show healthy, athletic people surfing, singing, playing guitars, mountain climbing, or hiking. Then they stop to have a good old cold soda or brew. None of these people have problems. None are diabetic or overweight. The commercial’s slug rarely address the people, though. They speak of the beverage. “The world’s most refreshing beer.”
They state it without evidence. That’s the way it goes. Sizzle doesn’t need evidence. Just fire it up and let the hungry masses know about it, and they will come and buy, like, “The fastest broadband service ever seen.”
The government is proud about how these companies sell sizzle. They don’t want to do anything to reign in the sizzle. These companies are doing the world a public service. If it wasn’t for the sizzle, we’d be worried about things that don’t sizzle, like the wealth imbalance, corrupt politicians, investigating Russians, rebooting our routers against hackers, rising white supremacy movement, white and male privilege, the contamination of our food supplies, the growing plastic islands in our seas, increasing war and tensions in the middle East, our dwindling fresh water supplies, rising cancer rates, the Italian government and EU economy, or police officers attacking people over parking situations, escalating events in fear of phones.
It’s much better to think about the sizzle.
