Category: humor

Feeling Dumb

I received a Costco paper thingy in the mail yesterday, one of those things with thin but glossy pages stapled together that show, “Here’s what you can buy!” 

I leafed through the leafs because I’m always looking for things to buy, when what do you think caught my eye?

Yes, that’s right, a smart toilet.

Offered by Ove, the description was pithy. They mentioned that it had memory and a remote control. I thought, WTH? Why would your toilet remember you? Does it say, this guy again, and turn on some air freshener? Or is it a matter of adjusting the toilet height and angle to suit your body for the best experience evacuating bowels? And what the heck was the remote control for?

These questions pushed me to search the net for answers. I found a promotional video so that I can share all of those things with you.

The smart toilet disappointed me in the end. While it was impressive on the surface and intrigued me about what it could do, I thought, what about a phone app for it, and voice control? Does it not interface with Siri or Alexa? I don’t know why you’d want to do any of that, but then, I’m not really sold on a remote control for my toilet.

Of course, I shouldn’t be surprised that the smart toilet has arrived. Smart dildos, smart thermostats, smart phones, and smart toothbrushes have been around for some time. Other smart inventions are arriving every day, like smart sex dolls and smart showers. Naturally, with all this smart stuff, concerns are raised about your smarts being hacked, resulting in unexpected problems. Besides someone else taking control of it, these smart devices are calling back home, reporting on what you’re doing.

It’s another reason to not get a smart appliance. Sooner or later, they’re gonna turn on you.

 

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Lane Envy

Lane Envy – anxiety and desire to be in a different lane, often associated with driving and shopping.

In use: “Seeing the other lane going much faster, lane envy struck, prompting him to contemplate moving, but he knew the shopping gods were playing a cruel joke on him. As soon as he changed lanes, this one would go faster, so he stood where he was and bridled his longing to go to another cashier.”

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Floofmation

Floofmation (floofinition) – a state or condition of sluggishness, inactivity, or torpor often exhibited by housepets during extended periods of low temperature.

In use: “Falling rain and cold temperatures meant the pets were staying in, finding a place to enter floofmation to endure the wretched conditions.”

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Floofmania

Floofmania (floofinition) – excessive or unreasonable enthusiasm for housepets.

In use: “So many Internet sites dedicated to sharing information about cats, dogs, and other housepets, one would think the floofmania grips the world.”

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Imfloofglio

Imfloofglio (floofinition) – an embarrassing situation for a housepet.

In use: “In a classic imfloofglio, the tabby leaped and missed its landing. Immediately going into spin control, she sat down and washed herself, sometimes glancing around to say, “What? I meant to do that.””

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Stalefloof

Stalefloof (floofinition) – a position counting as a draw, in which two or more housepets cannot move because of a conceived advantage over the other(s).

In use: “The dog and cat met each morning in a classic stalefloof, standing on either side of the kitchen entrance when Carrie entered the kitchen. The pets refused to move because they didn’t want to miss out on any dropped food.”

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Change

“Keep the change,” he said, turning away from the cashier.

“You always say that,” his friend said as they walked away as the cashier put the coins into the tip jar and said, “Thank you, sir, your order will be right up.”

“Habit.” The other shrugged. “I don’t want change.”

“But it adds up.”

He was about to reply when his friend said, “Hey.”

As he turned, his friend flipped a silver coin at him. He caught it without thinking, mostly as protection to keep it from hitting his face. Within a second, he raised the coin and looked at it. Seeing it was a nineteen seventy-eight quarter, he said, “Fu — ”

Then he was gone.

Puzzled, his friend blinked at the empty space. He’d lost the thread on what he’d been doing. He’d  had a quarter and he’d been thinking…something…

Rubbing his head, he tried to remember. There’d been something there, but where that something had been, it seemed like there was now a hole.

Sighing, he told himself, it’ll come back to him. He was getting old and forgetful, like his parents. Turning, he hunted for a table, sure that he’d forgotten something important, growing less certain that it would ever come back.

 

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Floofmulate

Floofmulate (floofinition) – for housepets to gather or pile in a heap.

In use: “Kittens and puppies love to floofmulate, often creating a cuddle-puddle of sleeping little furry bodies.”

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You Don’t Say

My wife made something really delicious for dinner this evening. Actually, we had it for lunch. We ate loads of it, along with bread, and then had big salads for dinner.

It’s the third time that she made it. I really can’t say more about it than that, except also that it smells fantastic. You can smell all the ____ and ____ ____. It’s incredible.

That’s really all I can say. She has this thing about me not bragging to other people about the food that she makes. She says that it builds up too much anticipation for it and then she worries that it won’t be good as people expect it to be because I bragged about it so much.

Like, for instance, take her __________ as an example. I loved it, and begged her to make it all the time. And she did. I had her make it for an office pot luck because I thought it was sooo goood. The people there agreed, so much so that they asked me to ask her to make it for several subsequent pot luck lunches. When we had guests, I always suggested that she make her__________. She often did, but then got angry because I’d ask the others, “Isn’t this great?”

That was just the one. There was also her ______, _______ ______, and her ____ _______ with ____. They’re all tasty AND healthy. ____, too. She doesn’t make those things any more, either, because I bragged about them too much. At least, it’s been a long time since she’s made them.

So, I don’t want to jinx this by telling everything how great this thing is that she made, because I really like it, and I want to have it again in the future. But if you ever visit my house, maybe she’ll make it for dinner for you. Then you can see how good it is. Maybe she’ll make her ______ for dessert, too.

I’m sure you’d love them both. Just don’t tell her that I told you about them.

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Floofstantive

Floofstantive (floofinition) – having housepets; considerable housepets in large numbers.

In use: “Some homes were floofstantive with but one housepet, often due to the pet’s unwillingness to share with other pets, while others sported multiple pets – cats, dogs, birds, and reptiles – projecting a very floofstantive image.”

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