Category: humor

Floofket

Floofket (floofinition) – slang for a housepet that’s capable of exerting sudden bursts of energy to accomplish incredible physical feats such as knocking people over, executing high leaps, racing faster than lightning, or snatching food from others’ hand or mouth in less than an eye-blink.

In use: “Hearing a package open in the kitchen, the cat kicked into floofket mood. Leaping from sound sleep on the sofa over the coffee table, he shot into the other room, sliding to a halt at the man’s feet with a tall tail and trilling mew.”

0

Floofvoyance

Floofvoyance (floofinition) – a housepet’s power or faculty of discerning objects not present to human senses.

In use: “I doubt floofvoyance is real, but I can’t explain how my cat knows that things are going to happen before I have a clue that they’ve begun.”

0

FNA(Floofino Nucleic Acid)

FNA (Floofino Nucleic Acid) (floofinition) – self-replicating fur initially shed by housepets. FNO is present on almost all clothing, furniture, and food in a home with housepets, and can also be found in hairballs and animal feces. According to reports denied by NASA, FNA was discovered on the Moon during the first manned lunar landing.

In use: “Floofcon 2019 rose to international prominence when an announcement came out that floofologists had created a home FNA (Floofino Nucleic Acid) test kit to determine specifically from which animal hairs, hairballs, and the errant turd that turns up on the floor, originates.”

h/t to Jill Dennison, Floofologist

0

Flooftigraphy

Flooftigraphy (floofinition) – 1. Branch of floofology devoted to studying the layers of acquisitions of toys, foods, medicines, etc., to determine which were acquired during what floofnasty. 2. Study of the layers of pet food to identify the fur’s origins.

In use: “When her friend told her that she had white fur on her coat, surprise registered; employing her flooftigraphy training, she realized it had to be from StayPuft, the marshmallow white Spritz who passed away a decade before.”

3

Telling

Beers glasses were raised and clinked together. Tastings followed. The trio got down to business.

“How’d it go with the date?” Ron asked Pat.

“Good, real good.” Pat smiled. “Third one, so you know what that means.”

Bryan laughed. “Is that what that still means?”

“Yes.” Pat nodded. “Indeed, it does.”

Ron raised his glass. “To your new girlfriend? Or is it too early?”

Pat grimaced. “It might be too early. She’s a swell person, wonderfully intelligent and accomplished, sexy, of course — ”

“Of course,” Ron said as Bryan said, “That’s a sexist attitude.”

“It is, but she is a knockout.” After glancing over his shoulders, Pat leaned in over the table. The other two leaned in as well. “The only thing is, she farts a lot,” Pat said in a low voice. “They don’t make any noise, so it’s not that, but they smell terrible.”

“She farts?” Bryan said.

Pat nodded. “And it’s not a little poot now and then. When she farts, I want to flee like the villagers running from Godzilla. And it’s not her fault. We’ve talked about it. She’d apologized after I complained about the rank smell invading my car. She told me it was a side effect of a medicine she’s been on a long time. She’s tried changing her diet and she’s looked into other meds, but nothing will work for her. And anxiety, like from dating, apparently makes it worse.”

“Wow.” Looking at Bryan, Ron sat back. “That’s a shame. A smelly farter. Damn”

Pat sighed. “Yeah, I’d hate for it to end for that, because she’s otherwise so wonderful, and I feel lucky to know her and be dating her.”

Bryan nodded. “Have you told her about your troubles in peckerville?”

Sitting back, Pat sipped his beer a moment and then smiled. “No. The way I see it, there’s no sense in telling her about that until I know if I can live with the farting.”

0

Floofnasty

Floofnasty (floofinition) – the line of pets who ruled a household.

In use: “After scanning childhood photographs his parents gave him, he was able to establish an archival album of the floofnasties of his life. With some rue, he realized that he had more photographs of his pets than of either of his ex-wives.”

0

Floofnesia

Floofnesia (floofinition) – a condition where housepets forget instructions, guidance, etc.

In use: “Opening the front door, they walked in and saw their Great Dane sprawled out on the sofa. He’d clearly suffered floofnesia about not being permitted on the furniture.”

6

Floofquest

Floofquest (floofinition) – 1. A housepet’s arduous or determined journey to achieve something or reach or capture an object, such as a red dot on the floor or a buzzing fly. 2. People’s efforts to find a new housepet. 3. Rescuer’s efforts to find and help animals.

In use: “The new young dog discovered treats after he’d arrived in his new home and came out of his shell. Within days, he began a floofquest for treats whenever a human went to the kitchen. And with those big eyes of his and his happy grin, it mostly worked.”

0

Breaking it Down

While working on the yard and house today, songs run through my head. I don’t mind it if they’re barefoot, but some of them wear heavy combat boots. That leaves a mark.

One song was the Rupert Holmes song, “Escape”. Most know it as “The Piña Coladas Song”. It’s all about how badly Rupert and his lovely lady were doing. He sees an ad in the newspaper’s personal columns and reads, “If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. If you’re not into yoga, if you have half a brain. If you like making love at midnight in the dunes of the cape. Then I’m the love that you’ve looked for, write to me and escape.”

So he writes to the paper, answering the ad. They meet, and guess what? It’s his own lovely lady that he’s meeting. She’s the one that put the ad in the paper! So, Rupert continues, then we laughed for a moment and I said, “I never knew
That you like piña coladas and gettin’ caught in the rain. And the feel of the ocean and the taste of champagne.”

Mind you, she’s advertised for a lover; he answered that ad. They were both looking for someone else.

At this point, in real life, if he said, “I never knew that you like piña coladas, she’d reply, “That’s because you never listen to me.” Then it’d probably be on. He’s already confessed that he was tired of her. She’s clearly tired of him, too.

Yeah, I don’t see a happy ending here. I don’t think that either one is the lover that the other one was trying to find.

Of course, my mind also suggested, “Well, maybe it’s a small town. What are the odds of her putting the ad in and him answering? Those odds improve if it’s a small town.”

Then my mind went all Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind on me. I imagined the bar patrons familiar with the situation saying, “Oh, no, here we go again.”

I concluded from this that my romantic band of my spectrum of being must be tiny.

5

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑