Category: humor

Floofmail

Floofmail (floofinition) 1. An animal’s attempt to influence a person’s actions via affection or threats.

In use: “Deciding to resort to floofmail, the kitten started hissing and spitting, but the woman continued washing the little feline, ridding its tiny body of ticks, fleas, dirt, and grease.”

2. Traditional or electronic mail devoted to subjects and news about animals.

In use: “As he grew more concerned about the environment, he signed up for greater numbers of newsletters about animal rescue organizations. Floofmail soon dominated his daily correspondence.”

3. Mail delivered by an animal to its people.

In use: “Every day, the retriever greeted the mail carrier, ate a treat that was offered, and then accepted and delivered it to the bedridden man, which always earned him another treat, proving floofmail’s value in the digital age.”

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Floofmencement

Floofmencement (floofinition) – An act, instance, or time of beginning an experience with, or engaging with, an animal.

In use: “With many people, floofmencement began with looking into an animal’s eyes. From in there, people grasped love, pain, sadness, hope, among other emotions, and took it on themselves to be with and help this creature.”

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Befloofed

Befloofed (floofinition) – The animal to whom one is completely and solely committed in a monofloof relationship.

In use: “She would’ve enjoyed having another rescue cat in her home, even two more, but Flash made it clear that they were befloofed and wasn’t interested in an open relationship with any other animals, or people.”

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The Favor

The young, slender woman with short dark hair said, “Excuse me.”

Looking up from his Apple laptop, the man raised his bushy eyebrows. Seeing the woman, he adjusted his thick glasses and smiled. He noticed her when she sat. Yes, she was attractive, and looked fit, but she reminded him of his daughter. She would’ve been about the same age, had she lived. “Yes?”

“Can you do me a favor? I need to use the restroom. Would you mind watching my bag for me?”

“That bag?” The man pointed at the green bag on the table. “Is that the bag?”

“Yes, that’s the very one.”

“Okay, I’ll watch it. But what should I be watching it to do? Does it do tricks?”

The woman laughed. “Yes, sometimes it dances. I’ve seen it but nobody else has ever seen it, so you’d be really helping me if you watched my bag.”

“Well, a dancing bag, I certainly will keep an eye on it. I’ll keep an eagle eye on it. I’ll turn on my laptop’s video and record it, in case it starts dancing.”

Laughing again, the woman said, “Thank you. I’ll be right back.”

She headed to the restroom with the man watching, smiling after her. Beginning to return to his computer, he caught movement. Looking up, he gasped.

Her green bag was doing a jig on the table. As he gawked, the bag completed a spin move, then fell back and hopped up. As it danced more, he glanced around for signs of hidden cameras or other witnesses.

The restroom door opened. The bag flopped onto the table into its original position.

“Thank you,” the woman said, returning. “Did my bag dance for you?”

“Yes,” the man said. “It did dance. I wish I had recorded it. Your bag stood up and danced.”

Beginning to sit, the woman stared at him. As she said, “What,” he said, “Is this a joke? Am I on one of those prank shows like Candid Camera?” 

“No, it’ s not a joke.” Picking up the green bag, the woman stepped closer to the man. “I thought you might — ” Her voice was low. “I need your help. Please come with me.”

Turning, she walked away, calling back over her shoulder, “Come on, hurry.”

Packing up his laptop, the man muttered, “Okay, okay, I will, I’m coming, but you have some explaining to do.” As he rushed after her, he muttered, “I should’ve never agreed to watch her bag.”

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Floofargy

Floofargy (floofinition) Animal state of indifference.

In use: “The cats heard the noises in the other room, but it was early afternoon, it didn’t seem threatening (and it was in the other room, and it didn’t sound like food might be involved), and they were comfortably napping, so…floofargy winning, the cats stretched their toes, shifted their heads, and resumed their slumber.”

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Floofrupter

Floofrupter (floofinition) – Something that interrupts an animal’s normal routines, activities, or processes.

In use: “Everything was quiet, and the cats were grooming themselves after eating, when a floofrupter in the form of a large ginger cat not seen before showed up at the glass patio door.”

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Floofarazzi

Floofarazzi  (floofinition) – Photographer who take pictures and videos of animals.

In use: “Upon acquiring new cell phones, many people become floofarazzi, taking and sharing photos of animals (especially pets) looking cute, sleeping, eating, fighting, washing, etc., whatever they saw their pet doing, posting the results on social media.”

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Jigfloof

Jigfloof (floofinition) – 1. Animal who helps complete a jigsaw puzzle.

In use: “Once the pieces were put on a table, a jigfloof arrived to join the effort.”

2. An animal whose place in one’s life provides a sense of being whole.

In use: “She hadn’t been prepared for a dog, let alone a big dog, but her friend’s final words put the burden on her. He turned into a jigfloof, providing a piece to her life that she didn’t know was missing.”

Photo: Tucker, the house jigfloof, helping us put together a puzzle that came as a holiday gift. (He refused to to look up at the camera. It’s a principle thing. The first principle is that he’s a cat and doesn’t do anything asked of him. The second thing is that he can’t stand floofarazzi.)

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Golden Floof

Golden Floof (floofinition) – 1. An animal colored or shining like gold.

In use: “Sunshine bounced off the five retrievers, making them seem like golden statues sitting on the lawn in the still morning air.”

2. Annual award presented to animals representing the best in multiple categories.

In use: “Dieter was pleased and proud when his tiny terrier took home Golden Floof Awards for loudest bark in a small dog and most dramatic bark, validating his belief that Rodger’s bark (he was named after the quarterback) was different.”

3. (slang) Expression to refer to an animal that seems to do things right.

In use: “He was lucky with Penny, his copper and black calico. Unintrusive, confident, friendly, and loving, she seemed like a golden floof.

 

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