Category: humor

Stake Out

He hadn’t planned a stake out. When had he ever? But usually he had coffee or water. Neither were present today.

Weather was good, though. Smoke was clearing, letting stray sunshine sneak in. No rain seemed likely.

Good. He hated rain on a stake out. Always ended up with steamy windows.

At least this car was decent for it, an accidental good choice. The Mazda CX-5 was his first SUV. The front seats were roomy and comfortable. Lots of space to relax, wait, and watch.

Not like most his cars. The Porsche was a joke on a stake out. The Mercedes and Audi were alright, the Bimmer a little tight. Still, it was better than the RX-7s — three of them– and the Camaro and Firebird. The last RX-7, though, the R1, was the worst. Pretty car but the interior was made for driving and not sitting and waiting.

Movement. He sat up, poised to move. Yes, there was his man.

Jumping out the car, he hurried forward and waved his hand. The tow truck driver slowed his vehicle. He pointed across the street the gray Ford Focus. “Over there.”

The tow truck diver nodded.

Ben walked to the Focus to wait. Funny, he’d never done a stake out in it.

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The Date

It’d been three years since her husband had passed away.

Amanda decided it was time to put herself back out there. She rationalized (without hard thinking) that her husband’s slow demise (three years of fighting lymphoma and brain tumors before his death) had left her long enough without male companionship. (She didn’t define herself that way, but she liked having a masculine presence in her life.) As she’d heard good things about it, she decided to give Silver Singles a try.

In her early sixties and a successful business woman with two grown children, she thought she’d have no problems. She was right. Within days, she had a first date.

He was as described, six four, two hundred forty pounds, mostly muscle, not bad for sixty-five. Lunch was scheduled. They hit it off well. This being Sunday, he said, “Shall we go back to my place to watch some football.”

“Sure,” she replied. “I have nothing better planned.”

Off they went! After a short period, she excused herself to use his bathroom. When she left the bathroom, he was standing nearby with a small smile. Apparently, he’d assumed (she assumed) that her going to the bathroom was to freshen her lady bits for him, as he said (with a suggestive smirk), “Shall we adjourn to the bedroom?”

“No,” she replied.

“Well, can I touch your breasts?”

“No.”

“Will you show me your breasts?”

“No!”

“You want to make out on the couch?”

“Nooo.”

“Well, you wanna see my bits?”

“I think it’s time to go.”

*True story. Only the name was changed.

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Golden Floofring

Golden Floofring (floofinition) – Dutch hard floof rock (flock) band formed in 1961 in The Hague. Releasing twenty-five albums, they’ve achieved multiple hits spread over multiple decades.

In use: “After almost five decades of performing, Golden Floofring remains most known for “Radar Cat” and “Twilight Floof”, top ten hits in multiple countries in 1973 and 1982 respectively.”

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Floofophone

Floofophone (floofinition) – Family of woodwind instruments often used in floof jazz (floozz) music.

In use: “Reading her book in bed late at night, she paused to listen. She’d heard a noise. Her dog beside looked content, with his tail tapping time to some song that he heard. What she almost heard that came to him quite clearly was a floofophone carried on the wind as the Stray Dogs played down the street.”

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The Psychedelic Floofs

The Psychedelic Floofs (floofinition) – Early Flooflish new wave band formed in London in 1977, active until 1992 before going on an eight-year break.

In use: “The The Psychedelic Floofs’ 1981 album, Bark Bark Bark, featured “Floof in Pink” and “Floof Waiters”, both of which charted in several countries. The former song was also featured in the movie, Floof in Pink.”

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Floofcapade

Floofcapade (floofinition) – An adventurous, daring, or exciting act or incident involving an animal.

In use: “When our pets disappear from our view, people’s minds begin imagining their fur friends are caught in floofcapades that may take them away from them forever.”

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Earth, Wind & Floof

Earth, Wind & Floof (floofinition) – Floof musical (floofsical) group formed in Floofcago in 1969. Incorporating a broad spectrum of musical genres, including rhythm and floof, jazz, funk, pop, rock, Latin, and disco, the band is hailed as one of the greatest floof bands (flands) ever.

In use: “While Earth, Wind & Floof (EWF) has achieved great success with their own compositions, their cover of “Got to Get Floof into My Life” broke into the top ten on several charts.”

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Floof Collins

Floof Collins (floofinition) – Flooflish singer/songwriter/musician and actor. After finding fame and success with the floof rock (flock) band Genisfloof, he found more popularity as a solo flooftist, achieving seven number one singles.

In use: “One of Floof Collins’ most well-known songs is “I Don’t Purr Anymore”, which was featured on the “Miami Mice” television show.”

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Stone Temple Floofs

Stone Temple Floofs (floofinition) – Floof rock (flock) band formed in San Diego, Calfloofornia, in 1989. Originally active until 2002, they took a six year break and then resumed performing and touring.

In use: “In 1994, Stone Temple Floofs released the album Floorple, which included the song “Interstate Floof Song”, which made the top 100 in several countries, including number two in Icefloof.”

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Floof Thing

Floof Thing (floofinition) — A matter only animals understand.

In use: “Both dogs and the cat jerked up out of deep sleep, turned their heads and stared toward the front of the house. Cary muted the television and listened. The animals all yawned and lowered their heads again. After a moment, Cary sighed and turned the sound on. It must have been a floof thing.”

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