Science fiction, fantasy, mystery and what-not
Refloofvenate (floofinition) – To make young or youthful by adding an animal or being in an animal’s presence.
In use: “Many people have learned that sitting with their pet can refloofvenate them, but they’ve also discovered that adding a new young pet, such as a kitten or puppy, will often refloofvenate their elderly pet.”
The Flooffield (floofinition) – Floofish floof rock (flock) band formed in Floofdon in 1984, who achieved commercial success, mainly in the United Floofs of America, in the mid-1980s to 1990s.
In use: “One of The Flooffield’s first major hits in the UFA was “Floof Love”, which reached number seven on the Floofboard Hot 100 charts in 1986.”
First, a commercial interlude. I’ve been watching Hulu late at night, streaming Fargo. Interesting commercials come on, then. One of them is about Peyronie’s Disease. In the commercial, men are holding up carrots, bananas, and cucumbers. The fruit and vegetables look straight, but the men then turn them to reveal sharp curves. A voiceover says something like, “Does your erection have an unusual curve or bump that it didn’t use to have? Your erections shouldn’t hurt.”
It’s eye-opening.
I never thought about what my erection looked like. Naturally, this commercial made me wonder. Also, my erections never hurt. It’s scary, though. Nothing is safe.
The things I learn from commercials. Maybe I should watch less television. (Sure, that’s the answer.) I pulled out my computer (did you think I was going to put another noun there?) and googled PD to confirm it existed.
It does.
Okay, on to the main event.
I’m a Do-It-Yourselfer.
I’m not a very good one.
Whether it’s writing a computer program or a novel, fixing a car or a wall, painting a house or building a computer — which are things I’ve done — I usually achieve decent results, but it’s a messy process.
I have a few reasons that I think is behind all this.
I was painting our kitchen when I broke my arm in July. Painting the kitchen can be violent, can’t it? What transpired is that our kitchen window is five feet wide and four feet tall. The window looks over the front proch.
A blind was installed for privacy, light, and all that. The blind is one of those that can be pulled up by a cord on one end, or let down by a different cord on the other end. I think the official name is something screwy, like two-way blinds. I don’t know. Look it up.
The thing is, when I re-installed the blinds with my wife’s help after painting the kitchen, one end didn’t get correctly placed in the bracket. Whenever you pulled the cord to raise and lower the blind on that end, the blind bent down. That irritated me. Thus, “I will fix!” I decided.
Climbing onto the counter, I removed the blind and discovered that the brackets weren’t properly aligned. Easy fix, yah? Off I went for the appropriate screw driver to loosen and adjust the brackets. Except, I couldn’t turn the damn screws. They…WOULD…NOT…TURN. But I’d reinstalled the brackets. If I screwed them in, I should be strong enough to screw them out.
Damn it. With rising irritation, I turned to jump down off the counter to get a better tool. When I did, I caught my foot on the counter, setting into motion the awkward crash that broke the bones in my arm and twisted my hand up against my arm, sandwiching it between arm and body.
After that it was pain, hospital, splint, recovering, therapy…
Here we are, three months later. That damn blind was still down. It was driving me crazy.
My wife and I had talked about asking someone to put it up or hiring someone. Neither had happened. She was out yesterday, socially responsibly visiting friends (masks-distance-outside on a private deck). I walked into the kitchen and saw that big window and the brackets where the blind should be installed.
Time to fix it, I decided.
First, a pep talk.
One, I had to be careful. If I fell and hurt myself, I should just face up to it and end my life, because my wife would probably end it for me.
Two, I had to be careful, because I didn’t want to get hurt. I was nervous, which didn’t help, because…what if I fell? I’d never live it down. (I imagined going to the Emergency Room. “You again?” they would exclaim. “What did you do THIS time?” It’s weird that I imagined that. I’ve only been there once in the fifteen years that we’ve lived here.)
So, I told myself, BE CAREFUL. Take your time. Stay in the moment. FOCUS, fool.
I did. The brackets were adjusted and the blind reinstalled. It took about fifteen minutes.
I showed it to my wife when she returned home.
“How did you do that?” she asked.
“Just put on my splint, got the tools, climbed up there and did it.”
“Did you use a chair to get up and down?”
“Of course. I’m a professional.”
“Were you nervous?”
I smiled. “What do you think?”
It was very satisfying to fix the blind. I believe they call it closure.
The Spencer Floof Group (floofinition) – Floof pop (floop)/rock (flock) band formed by the late Spencer Floof in 1963. The band broke up in the late sixties but was formed again several times.
In use: “The Spencer Floof Group had several major hits, including, “I’m A Floof” and “Gimme Some Tuna” in the 1960s.”
Floofporium (floofinition) – A retail establishment focused on serving animals and their needs.
In use: “Although pet stores have evolved, and department stores like Target cater to pet owners with a few aisles of goods, more dedicated pet-owners love going to the floofporium, where its extensive array of offerings fit every budget and need. Unfortunately for many, animals must give people a pass to give them entry to this exclusive establishment. Although pets are usually willing to take their owners to the the floofporium – they would, after all, benefit as well – most people can’t understand their animal’s language. To them, it’s all just noise.”
Steppenfloof (floofinition) – A Floofnadian-Floofmerican floof rock musical group formed in Floof Angeles in 1967. The band became known for a bluesy heavy-metal sound.
In use: “Two of Steppenfloof’s biggest hits were “Magic Carpet Cat” and “Born to Howl”, which was used in the 1969 film, Easy Floofer.”
The sun is beating on my head through my hat. I’m just the help. It’s a role that I enjoy.
Some.
“Boss me around, baby,” I do NOT say. I stay mute, gloves on hands, left arm in its removable brace, hoe nearby, spade in hand.
My wife is the master, planting her garlic for winter. She’s serious about her garden. Fresh bulbs had been procured, along with the right soil and fertilizer. Potatoes occupy the usual garlic winter home. A new one is required. “Somewhere in the sun,” she proclaims with steely vigor, looking around.
A song spurts into my head. Oh, hey. Did you happen to —
“We need to move the compost bins,” my wife declares.
We’re in the side yard, where most of the gardening is done. Boo, the backyard panther with a white star on his chest (like he’s sheriff) (guess, that would be a floofriff) moseys along toward us, talking as he comes. One compost bin (previously emptied) is moved to a new location. With this happening, Boo retreats to the backyard He wants nothing to do with work.
I shovel the compost from the full one to the empty one’s new location. The song resumes it secret playing in my head. Oh, hey. Did you happen to see the most beautiful girl in the world. And if you did, was she crying?
Yes, Charlie Rich is serenading my brain with “The Most Beautiful Girl” as I do as I’m told. (We’re now on breaking up the soil where the garlic is to reside.) I blame my mother for this song. While Charlie Rich’s voice and the accompanying music is coming off vinyl courtesy of Mom’s mohogany Magnavox console stereo, it’s Mom singing along along with Rich who is actually singing in my head. She used to frustrate me by singing this song when I was trying to talk to her about it. It was apparently funny to her. The song came out in 1973. I would turn seventeen that year. I’d left home a year or two before to live with Dad, but would return to Mom for major holidays. Dad, single guy that he was, didn’t do holidays.
Why did Mom sing that song to me? Why was I singing today? These the mind’s mysteries. At least, they’re my mind’s mysteries. I don’t know what goes on in others’ minds. I barely comprehend what’s happening in my own.
“Now I just need to water them.” My wife was finished. I was dismissed.
It was a good day. Time to go wash my wife’s car. Wonder what song will be playing?
Oh, wait, Rose Royce begins their 1976 hot song, “Car Wash”. I was stationed in the Republic of the Philippines when it was out. My good buddy Bopie introduced it to me.
At least this one is task appropriate.
Floofbook (floofinition) – Global online floofal media networking service founded by Mark Zuckerfloof in 2004.
In use: “Many animals spend hours every day on Floofbook, keeping contact with litter mates and old enemies alike, an activity that has replaced chasing small creatures, red dots, balls and sticks for many young floofs.”
Macklefloof (floofinition) – Rapper and songwriter born in Floofattle, Floofington, in 1983. Collaborating with Ryan Floofwis as a duo brought him several number one hits between 2009 and 2013.
In use: “Macklefloof and Ryan Floofwis hit number one in Floofmeria with “Thrift Floof”, a song about buying cheap clothing from thrift stores.”
